Please tell me what you think!! New poet!

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Newguy
Junior Member

since 1999-06-27

Posts 36
Moultrie, GA, USA

0 posted 1999-06-27 11:40 PM

Sunrise

Early we gather by cliffs
on the sea, waiting so radiantly
for the breach of the dark, the opening
of the night; the onset of a new beginning.
Suddenly it begins, the fire from above, and we stare into each others eyes, as the beams rain down, coating us and everything else in their paths with a shimmering glow. These moments of beauty, a vision of perfection
stares back at you, no, us, during these wonderous sunrises we share.

Bleeding Within

Inside I am bleeding,
With each beat my heart yields,
And sorrow consumes me
Yet my demeanor conceals.
With each day that passes,
With each thought of her sin
I should think of the future
Yet I'm bleeding within.

Why should it matter?
Why should I care?
She crushed and betrayed me,
But my love is still there.
I try to ignore it,
Say our times at it's end,
Outside I'm strong,
But I'm bleeding within.

And as I author
These words and these lines
I can't help but think of
And remember our times.
Now things are changing,
A new chance to begin,
My love though consumes me,
As I sit bleeding within.

Poet deVine

Administrator

Member Seraphic

since 1999-05-26

Posts 22612
Hurricane Alley

1 posted 1999-06-28 12:13 PM

Welcome to the family! What do I think? Loved the first one....loved the second one even more!

You have a gift for imagery! I loved the line "bleeding from within"...after all, as our heart beats we are in effect bleeding...

Great job, I look forward to many more!

wayoutwalt
Member Elite

since 1999-06-22

Posts 4870
TEXAS (it's all big)

2 posted 1999-06-28 12:18 PM

very nicely put together newguy cant wait to see more. (told you what i think bout yours now tell me what you think bout mine)

Sunshine

Administrator

Member Empyrean

since 1999-06-25

Posts 63354
Listening to every heart

3 posted 1999-06-28 09:13 AM

Keep reaching. You've got the gift, now explore it.

doreen peri
Member Elite

since 1999-05-25

Posts 3812
Virginia

4 posted 1999-06-28 10:14 AM

I think "Bleeding Within" is written quite well. Your meter and rhyme are excellent, as is the message.

For the first poem, "Sunrise", my suggestion would be to "show me", instead of "telling me". As is, I think it works well as narrative prose... it is very beautiful.... but I wonder about the significance of the line breaks. To make it more effective poetically, I would make use of metaphor or simile to enhance the imagery of the piece. Maybe something like, "Your eyes are the dawn" ...

I hope you were truly asking for criticism since I am only trying to assist you in your craft because I thought that was what you were seeking when you wrote, "please tell me what you think".

Clearly, you have a talent! Keep working and keep posting.

-dp

Andrew Scott
Member Elite

since 1999-06-24

Posts 2558
Redlands,CA,USA

5 posted 1999-06-28 11:39 AM

I liked the feeling of the first poem, but prefered the rhyme and meter of the second. "Bleeding Within" produced more emotion. Thanks for sharing.

Andrew

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