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Krystal
Member

since 1999-06-19

Posts 140
Shelton,WA USA

0 posted 1999-06-23 04:49 PM

I woke up this morning,
And you were there with me;
You must have come in through the window
By the tallest Evergreen tree.

When I awoke,
Your hands were running through my hair;
How nice it felt
To know once more that you were there.

I rolled over
Just to be closer to you;
Felt you warm against my side,
And knew our love was true.

But... alas!
Things just are not what they seem;
For when I opened my eyes, you had gone
And left me awakening from a dream.

------------------
Shannon D. Montgomery
("Krystal")

fjones
Member

since 1999-06-07

Posts 98
MS

1 posted 1999-06-23 09:08 PM

Very good!!! A short to the point story which has a surprise ending-Great. My kind of poem

[This message has been edited by fjones (edited 06-23-99).]

Wolfgang
Member

since 1999-05-24

Posts 124
Hamilton, Ont. Canada

2 posted 1999-06-23 10:31 PM

the thought you have put into this poem is one of tenderness and romance....but,there are too many repetitions of waking. :
"I awoke this morning"
"When I awoke"
"I opened my eyes"
"left me awakening"
To my taste, if you could take out some of these repetitions and do a rewrite on the poem it might make more of an impact.
But keep on writing and dreaming, dreams are after all the essence of poetry.

------------------
Wolfgang

Krystal
Member

since 1999-06-19

Posts 140
Shelton,WA USA

3 posted 1999-06-24 12:19 PM

Fjones... Thank you very much!! Glad you liked it...

Wolfgang... haha... yes, I guess you are right! I overlooked it myself. That's why I'm glad you critiqued it for me! I will work on that. Thank you for your comments and for your honesty and insight.

------------------
Shannon D. Montgomery
("Krystal")

#5 PS
Junior Member

since 1999-06-21

Posts 19
Ogden, Utah, USA

4 posted 1999-06-24 10:03 AM

Wolfgang,
I have to disagree with you. When I dream I waken but really never "waken" ya know? I think that is what she is getting to...the first wakening is the beginning of the dream the real awaken is the nightmare to find she is alone... very good poem

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#5 Poetic Society

Krystal
Member

since 1999-06-19

Posts 140
Shelton,WA USA

5 posted 1999-06-24 03:45 PM

Thank you #5.... Your insight is refreshing.

------------------
Shannon D. Montgomery
("Krystal")

Wolfgang
Member

since 1999-05-24

Posts 124
Hamilton, Ont. Canada

6 posted 1999-06-24 07:05 PM

Hi there #5.
I tried to see it your way but was utterly unsuccessful. I think it's great that we all interpret poetry a little different.

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