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Passions in Poetry

Awakening

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Krystal
Member
since 06-19-99
Posts 145
Shelton,WA USA


0 posted 06-23-99 04:49 PM       View Profile for Krystal   Email Krystal   Edit/Delete Message      Find Poems   Click to Submit your Poem to Passions  View IP for Krystal

I woke up this morning,
And you were there with me;
You must have come in through the window
By the tallest Evergreen tree.

When I awoke,
Your hands were running through my hair;
How nice it felt
To know once more that you were there.

I rolled over
Just to be closer to you;
Felt you warm against my side,
And knew our love was true.

But... alas!
Things just are not what they seem;
For when I opened my eyes, you had gone
And left me awakening from a dream.

------------------
Shannon D. Montgomery
("Krystal")
© Copyright 1999 Krystal - All Rights Reserved
fjones
Member
since 06-07-99
Posts 101
MS


1 posted 06-23-99 09:08 PM       View Profile for fjones   Email fjones   Edit/Delete Message      Find Poems  View IP for fjones

Very good!!! A short to the point story which has a surprise ending-Great. My kind of poem

[This message has been edited by fjones (edited 06-23-99).]
Wolfgang
Member
since 05-24-99
Posts 124
Hamilton, Ont. Canada


2 posted 06-23-99 10:31 PM       View Profile for Wolfgang   Email Wolfgang   Edit/Delete Message      Find Poems   Click to visit Wolfgang's Home Page   View IP for Wolfgang

the thought you have put into this poem is one of tenderness and romance....but,there are too many repetitions of waking. :
"I awoke this morning"
"When I awoke"
"I opened my eyes"
"left me awakening"
To my taste, if you could take out some of these repetitions and do a rewrite on the poem it might make more of an impact.
But keep on writing and dreaming, dreams are after all the essence of poetry.


------------------
Wolfgang
Krystal
Member
since 06-19-99
Posts 145
Shelton,WA USA


3 posted 06-24-99 12:19 AM       View Profile for Krystal   Email Krystal   Edit/Delete Message      Find Poems  View IP for Krystal

Fjones... Thank you very much!! Glad you liked it...

Wolfgang... haha... yes, I guess you are right! I overlooked it myself. That's why I'm glad you critiqued it for me! I will work on that. Thank you for your comments and for your honesty and insight.

------------------
Shannon D. Montgomery
("Krystal")
#5 PS
Junior Member
since 06-21-99
Posts 19
Ogden, Utah, USA


4 posted 06-24-99 10:03 AM       View Profile for #5 PS   Email #5 PS   Edit/Delete Message      Find Poems  View IP for #5 PS

Wolfgang,
I have to disagree with you. When I dream I waken but really never "waken" ya know? I think that is what she is getting to...the first wakening is the beginning of the dream the real awaken is the nightmare to find she is alone... very good poem

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#5 Poetic Society
Krystal
Member
since 06-19-99
Posts 145
Shelton,WA USA


5 posted 06-24-99 03:45 PM       View Profile for Krystal   Email Krystal   Edit/Delete Message      Find Poems  View IP for Krystal

Thank you #5.... Your insight is refreshing.

------------------
Shannon D. Montgomery
("Krystal")
Wolfgang
Member
since 05-24-99
Posts 124
Hamilton, Ont. Canada


6 posted 06-24-99 07:05 PM       View Profile for Wolfgang   Email Wolfgang   Edit/Delete Message      Find Poems   Click to visit Wolfgang's Home Page   View IP for Wolfgang

Hi there #5.
I tried to see it your way but was utterly unsuccessful. I think it's great that we all interpret poetry a little different.
Krystal will be notified of replies
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