Obviously....A Villanelle (I think:))

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Systematic Decay
Senior Member

since 1999-09-15

Posts 1301
That place with padded walls and funny people in white.........

0 posted 1999-09-29 01:12 AM

Ok I think, but Im not positive this is the right form. Even if you have no comments on the poems content could someone tell me if I did it right? I know its not that good...but I tried. Oh and I don't particularly like the title, but could think of nothing better.

Obviously

No light can I see
Only corruption
How can this be?

Is this really me?
Simple presumption
No light can I see

Is this all we'll be?
Deadly seduction
How can this be?

I've never been free
Run by corruption
No light can I see

Hateful society
To work we're rushin'
How can this be?

We're obviously
Banned from discussion
No light can I see
How can this be?

Oh also, I'm wondering if I got my point at all across in this format...if you could tell me what your interpretation is of this poem, I'd appreciate it.
Thanks.

------------------
"Despite all my rage, I am still just a rat in a cage."
-Billy Corgan-

[This message has been edited by Systematic Decay (edited 09-29-1999).]

Marilyn
Member Elite

since 1999-09-26

Posts 2621
Ontario, Canada

1 posted 1999-09-29 01:20 AM

Form??? I have no idea. Looks good to me! As for interpetation. I see a struggle with who you are and with darkness. Your looking for a light in the shadows. Everyone's inner struggle against our own inner darkness.

I hope I helped.

Systematic Decay
Senior Member

since 1999-09-15

Posts 1301
That place with padded walls and funny people in white.........

2 posted 1999-09-29 01:39 AM

Thanks for the reply. LOL to both of the postings.....I guess my oops was a bit lacking in form

Anyway You are on the right track with the meaning,but I want to see if anyone else has a guess before I give it away.

------------------
"Despite all my rage, I am still just a rat in a cage."
-Billy Corgan-

Marilyn
Member Elite

since 1999-09-26

Posts 2621
Ontario, Canada

3 posted 1999-09-29 01:43 AM

I have lots of patience. Never give away an ending until the proper time. I thought OOPS was and excellent poem. I relate totally!...lol. Looking forward to read more from you.

Iloveit
Senior Member

since 1999-09-02

Posts 1121
NM

4 posted 1999-09-29 10:00 AM

well, I am not good at interpretations, but my guess would be that its about the loss of an integral part of us that we lose to find a spot in the ladder of success??

oh almost got lost on the interpreting and forgot to say good job

[This message has been edited by Iloveit (edited 09-29-1999).]

U K Hero
Member

since 1999-08-08

Posts 266
England

5 posted 1999-09-29 10:21 AM

Form is your choice, interpetation our's. and to me it seems your are in stuggle with
other opinions in your life.

Michael

Moderator

Member Rara Avis

since 1999-08-13

Posts 7666
California

6 posted 1999-09-29 11:38 AM

Sys, you need one more stanza befor your final stanza that would end in, "How can this be?" Then it will be a "true" Villanelle.

So far as interpretation, i would say the "banned from discussion" line suggests feelings of darkness, isolation, and alienation - but I might be being overdramatic. Good work, though - add that last stanza.

------------------
Michael Anderson

May Darkness find you all through the day.

Systematic Decay
Senior Member

since 1999-09-15

Posts 1301
That place with padded walls and funny people in white.........

7 posted 1999-09-29 02:25 PM

Thanks for pointing that out Micheal. UI completely missed it. I added the fifth stanza, although its not at all good.

As for the interpretation...I guess this is one of those poems that could mean slot of different things. Its about society (as the newly added fourth stanza would suggest.) Its about how I see that our world has been on its way down for as long as I've remembered, yet I'm wondering how it happened. And even though it doesn't seem it could happen, I see no way out of the present state of the world.

Like the line deadly seduction was symolizing Aids, and/or rape.

Banned from discussion....basically means if we know something bad about anyone, especially politicians, they'll do anything to sut us up....threats, bribes, etc.

Thanks everyone for taking the time to read and reply.

------------------
"Despite all my rage, I am still just a rat in a cage."
-Billy Corgan-

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