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Passions in Poetry

Untitled (suggestions PLEASE!)

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Marilyn
Member Elite
since 09-26-1999
Posts 2646
Ontario, Canada


0 posted 09-28-1999 08:37 PM       View Profile for Marilyn   Edit/Delete Message      Find Poems   Click to Submit your Poem to Passions  View IP for Marilyn

Per request of the author, this post has been moved to the Critical Analysis Forum.

Now I lay you down to sleep
To the past, my thoughts do creep.
To your first breath my soul doth fly,
Which makes me wonder why,why,why?
I feel you nursing at my breast,
My heart so full, all at rest.
The soft sweet skin, your angel hair.
Why oh why, how do I care?
For as I breathe you do not,
And for this I am forgot.
The dreams for you I ever sot,
Are vacant now in this cold plot.
I tell you now, my heart doth crave,
Graduation bold and brave.
Your wedding day, mother most proud,
Is lost behind this pitted shourd.
My thoughts be still, just lay me down,
Beside your casket in the ground.
For if I wake another day,
My heart turns cold, old and grey.
So now I lay you down to sleep,
No more, I pray, my thoughts to creep.


[This message has been edited by Marilyn (edited 09-29-1999).]


[Note: This message has been edited by Nan]
© Copyright 1999 Marilyn - All Rights Reserved
Denise
Moderator
Member Seraphic
since 08-22-99
Posts 23002


1 posted 09-28-1999 09:09 PM       View Profile for Denise   Edit/Delete Message      Find Poems  View IP for Denise

Truly heartbreaking, Marilyn. I'm so sorry.
For a title perhaps 'A Mother's Tears' or perhaps 'Tears Eternal' or simply 'Why?'

Again, Marilyn, I'm so sorry.

------------------
Denise
Marilyn
Member Elite
since 09-26-1999
Posts 2646
Ontario, Canada


2 posted 09-28-1999 09:16 PM       View Profile for Marilyn   Edit/Delete Message      Find Poems  View IP for Marilyn

Denise.....I guess I should have posted that this was written for a dear friends loss not my own. Being a mother myself I felt pain for her. I could never imagine the depth of loss a childs death can cause. I don't want to know either. I do see it in her everyday and it has been 2 years since her loss. This is dedicated to Linda.
Denise
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Member Seraphic
since 08-22-99
Posts 23002


3 posted 09-28-1999 09:22 PM       View Profile for Denise   Edit/Delete Message      Find Poems  View IP for Denise

Extend to Linda my sympathies, Marilyn. My friend also lost her son (5 years ago). She'll never be the same.

------------------
Denise
Isis
Member Ascendant
since 09-06-99
Posts 6390
Sunny Queensland


4 posted 09-28-1999 09:34 PM       View Profile for Isis   Email Isis   Edit/Delete Message      Find Poems   Click to visit Isis's Home Page   View IP for Isis

As I always say there is no greater loss in the world than that of a mother losing her child..
You did a lovely thing there Marilyn. You want a title? Just 'A Mother's Loss' seems ok to me.

------------------
A hero is a man who does what he can.
~Isis~
(The Fragile Rose)


Marilyn
Member Elite
since 09-26-1999
Posts 2646
Ontario, Canada


5 posted 09-28-1999 09:39 PM       View Profile for Marilyn   Edit/Delete Message      Find Poems  View IP for Marilyn

Denise....Thankyou for your kind thoughts. I know they mean the world to Linda. Who could possiblily be the same?

Isis...I do so appreciate your comments. I was almost afraid to post this poem. It has laid burried for some time. To share the feelings here, I hope will heal.

[This message has been edited by Marilyn (edited 09-28-1999).]
Isis
Member Ascendant
since 09-06-99
Posts 6390
Sunny Queensland


6 posted 09-29-1999 07:02 AM       View Profile for Isis   Email Isis   Edit/Delete Message      Find Poems   Click to visit Isis's Home Page   View IP for Isis

Marilyn my dear, thanks for saying i am accomplished, what a compliment!! I look to the others and feel that way about some of them.
I love this poem old or not. I can't pick any true faults with it. The rhythm and rhyme are good and flowing.
But I have a challenge for you - a slightly different exercise..
Instead of making every 2nd line rhyme try making 1 and 3 or 2 and 4 rhyme.
Instead of:
The cat sat on the mat,
For he was fat. (YOUR METHOD)
Try like:-
The cat sat on the mat,
He was a smart old thing,
Can you imagine that,
And what happiness he may bring
Rhyme line 2 and 4 is best I think..
Anyway, have a fiddle and write in topic heading Challenge from Isis.
That is if you are game. Hawkwing did it for me and it was the first time I tried free verse ever!! What do you think?

------------------
A hero is a man who does what he can.
~Isis~
(The Fragile Rose)


Marilyn
Member Elite
since 09-26-1999
Posts 2646
Ontario, Canada


7 posted 09-29-1999 10:13 AM       View Profile for Marilyn   Edit/Delete Message      Find Poems  View IP for Marilyn

Isis....I take your challenge. I will work on it and post what I have come up with after work today. Ièm always game for a new challenge.
Sunshine
Administrator
Member Caelestus
since 06-25-99
Posts 67715
Listening to every heart


8 posted 09-29-1999 10:34 AM       View Profile for Sunshine   Email Sunshine   Edit/Delete Message      Find Poems   Click to visit Sunshine's Home Page   View IP for Sunshine

"Mother's Lament" or "Too Soon Gone". Please express my sympathy over the loss of her child...no parent should have to go through that, but too many of us do.
Pepper
Member Elite
since 08-19-99
Posts 3134
Southern Florida

Official Passions Reader
9 posted 09-29-1999 10:45 AM       View Profile for Pepper   Email Pepper   Edit/Delete Message      Find Poems  View IP for Pepper

touched me deeply Marilyn....please extend my sympathies to Linda too

------------------

May your days be filled with lots of sunshine and your nights lit up by golden moonbeams
Marilyn
Member Elite
since 09-26-1999
Posts 2646
Ontario, Canada


10 posted 09-29-1999 11:00 AM       View Profile for Marilyn   Edit/Delete Message      Find Poems  View IP for Marilyn

Sunshine and pepper. Thankyou for reading and expressing your thoughts. I will extend your thoughts to Linda. I appreciate it so much.
Michael
Moderator
Member Ascendant
since 08-13-99
Posts 6333
California


11 posted 09-29-1999 11:14 AM       View Profile for Michael   Email Michael   Edit/Delete Message      Find Poems  View IP for Michael

Marilyn, this is a breathtaking piece, let me say first of all. So far as suggestions,
I would say that the comma's you are using on the fourth syllables are uneccessary and to some readers may even interrupt the sweet flow this poem has....i.e. Lines ,3,9,10,12,13,16,18,19,21

I would also suggest either capitalizing the first word of all sentences, or all lines in general....i.e.Line 8, this is something I have seen in a few of your post.

Keep posting and I will offer all the assistance I can as per our chat.
I really enjoyed this piece.

------------------
Michael Anderson

May Darkness find you all through the day.


Marilyn
Member Elite
since 09-26-1999
Posts 2646
Ontario, Canada


12 posted 09-29-1999 11:21 AM       View Profile for Marilyn   Edit/Delete Message      Find Poems  View IP for Marilyn

Thankyou Micheal. I will edit this piece. If you would reread and see if it flow smoother. I would appreciate it.
 
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