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Passions in Poetry

Bleeding Out Poetry

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hoot_owl_rn
Member Patricius
since 07-05-99
Posts 11105
Glen Hope, PA USA


0 posted 09-27-1999 12:45 PM       View Profile for hoot_owl_rn   Email hoot_owl_rn   Edit/Delete Message      Find Poems   Click to Submit your Poem to Passions   Click to visit hoot_owl_rn's Home Page   View IP for hoot_owl_rn

(Digging out a bit of the older and more depressing stuff today I guess)

Bleeding Out Poetry

I gaze down
upon the paper before me;
the ink that stains it,
still dark and wet...
like blood pouring from an open wound.
I try to ebb the flow
of words,
thoughts,
emotions;
all revealing more of me
than I choose to expose.
Each line,
syllable,
letter
reopens the gash.
You cut out my heart
with the precision of a surgeons scalpel.
Your words, much sharper than my own,
leaving me with no choice
but to bleed out my thoughts.
This flood of words,
this hemorrhage of emotions,
puddles in a blur
before my eyes.
More wetness now,
upon my skin,
and a single tear
drops
to blend with the ink.





------------------
Some people come into our lives and quickly go. Some stay for awhile and leave footprints in our heart and we are never ever the same.

Thank you all for leaving footprints!!

[This message has been edited by hoot_owl_rn (edited 09-27-1999).]
© Copyright 1999 Ruth Kephart - All Rights Reserved
Iloveit
Senior Member
since 09-02-99
Posts 1168
NM


1 posted 09-27-1999 02:03 PM       View Profile for Iloveit   Edit/Delete Message      Find Poems  View IP for Iloveit

wow hoot, this is great, am sorry for the pain, but you portrayed it very well, I have been there, written too many that the tears mixed with the ink *sad smile*
doreen peri
Member Rara Avis
since 05-25-99
Posts 8028
Virginia


2 posted 09-27-1999 03:26 PM       View Profile for doreen peri   Email doreen peri   Edit/Delete Message      Find Poems  View IP for doreen peri

There is a lot to this poem.... the imagery wonderfully speaks aloud.... the following lines were particularly effective to me:

"and a single tear
drops
to blend with the ink"

Nicely done, hoot... i know this forum is not meant for critiquing, but sometimes when I see a work that I think could be even better than it already is, i have to say something. From your comment at the beginning, i take it that this is an earlier work of yours and you haven't edited it for some time. I'd like to see you take the imagery you've developed and maybe eliminate some of the superflous words.... so that you aren't telling the reader but showing them more. (I hope it's ok that i'm giving you a suggestion here. I just think you could take this very good piece and make a GREAT piece out of it.)

here's an example of what i mean:

"I gaze down
upon bleeding paper,
dark and wet
blood pouring from my open wound
and try to ebb the flow
of words revealing me
over exposed,
ezch letter reopenning
the gash-
my heart cut out by
your surgeon's scalpel"

Anyway, i don't know if *you* think this eliminating some of the words makes it more powerful, but to me, i'd like to see you take this a little further. You are a very talented poet .... and this already FINE piece, imho, could be absolute dynomite with a bit of tweaking and polishing.

Thanks for letting me express my opinion and again, i apologize if i overstepped my bounds in Open Poetry, being that this is not the Critical Anaysis forum.

Keep up the good work
WhtDove
Member Rara Avis
since 07-22-99
Posts 9561
Illinois


3 posted 09-27-1999 03:33 PM       View Profile for WhtDove   Email WhtDove   Edit/Delete Message      Find Poems   Click to visit WhtDove's Home Page   View IP for WhtDove

Ouch! You can feel the pain in this one Hoot! Great imagery to make that come across!

------------------
God gave you two ears and one mouth...so you should listen twice as much as you talk.
Sage Spirit
Junior Member
since 09-22-1999
Posts 19
Derry, NH USA


4 posted 09-27-1999 04:07 PM       View Profile for Sage Spirit   Edit/Delete Message      Find Poems  View IP for Sage Spirit

Wow! You captured the words in my heart on this very day my friend. I understand, and I am sorry for this pain you have known. All of the pain we experience today only prepares us for the love of our lives, it will happen some people are ready and others have lots more pain to endure.

Bravo!!

Sage Spirit
Severn
Member Rara Avis
since 07-17-99
Posts 8273


5 posted 09-27-1999 06:31 PM       View Profile for Severn   Edit/Delete Message      Find Poems  View IP for Severn

Like, like, like!!!
RainbowGirl
Member Elite
since 07-31-99
Posts 3167
United Kingdom


6 posted 09-27-1999 06:40 PM       View Profile for RainbowGirl   Email RainbowGirl   Edit/Delete Message      Find Poems   Click to visit RainbowGirl's Home Page   View IP for RainbowGirl

Hoot: Pain opens us up to recognise joy, the two halfs of the coin, pain and pleasure....glad it's the latter for you now..:-)

HUGS Lady

------------------
You give but little when you give of your possessions. It is when you give of yourself that you truly give.

Pepper
Member Elite
since 08-19-99
Posts 3134
Southern Florida

Official Passions Reader
7 posted 09-27-1999 06:42 PM       View Profile for Pepper   Email Pepper   Edit/Delete Message      Find Poems  View IP for Pepper

I like this much and as Doreen, love the last lines.......good work Hoot

------------------

May your days be filled with lots of sunshine and your nights lit up by golden moonbeams
Andrew Scott
Member Elite
since 06-24-99
Posts 2655
Redlands,CA,USA


8 posted 09-27-1999 07:15 PM       View Profile for Andrew Scott   Email Andrew Scott   Edit/Delete Message      Find Poems  View IP for Andrew Scott

Lady Hoot: Wish I had some old depressing stuff just hanging around to post. But then again, knowing what little I do of your past... I'm glad I don't. As always, count me one of your greatest fans. Very powerful stuff! Please do not take offence and I say this with the recognition that you are a way-far better poet than I, but I agree with DP on some of the changes. Take my opinion as you will, I just thought Doreen made some strong suggestions. Once again, you have my utmost respect.
hoot_owl_rn
Member Patricius
since 07-05-99
Posts 11105
Glen Hope, PA USA


9 posted 09-27-1999 08:03 PM       View Profile for hoot_owl_rn   Email hoot_owl_rn   Edit/Delete Message      Find Poems   Click to visit hoot_owl_rn's Home Page   View IP for hoot_owl_rn

Each and everyone of you...thanks so much for your comments

Doreen...I never take offense to suggestions. I agree this poem needs revamped big time, but at the same time do not know what I want to do with it. One of those "let sleeping dogs lie things I guess." I find sometimes when I start playing with this older stuff, my mind set changes just a bit...one of the reasons most of this stuff is burried right now. Thanks for your suggestions, I appreciate them.

Andrew...I thank you for your suggestions too...smiles, and I would prefer to not have any of this older depressing stuff laying around to post. As far as me being " a way-far better poet" than you...I would have to disagree.
Andrew Scott
Member Elite
since 06-24-99
Posts 2655
Redlands,CA,USA


10 posted 09-27-1999 08:11 PM       View Profile for Andrew Scott   Email Andrew Scott   Edit/Delete Message      Find Poems  View IP for Andrew Scott

Lady Hoot: I bow to you and your's with the honor and kindess of your words. Thank you.
hoot_owl_rn
Member Patricius
since 07-05-99
Posts 11105
Glen Hope, PA USA


11 posted 09-27-1999 08:18 PM       View Profile for hoot_owl_rn   Email hoot_owl_rn   Edit/Delete Message      Find Poems   Click to visit hoot_owl_rn's Home Page   View IP for hoot_owl_rn

Andrew....you are a dear, thank you
Dark Angel
Member Patricius
since 08-04-99
Posts 10270


12 posted 09-27-1999 08:25 PM       View Profile for Dark Angel   Edit/Delete Message      Find Poems  View IP for Dark Angel

Hoot, This is great stuff, great imagery

------------------
What comes from the heart goes to the heart.
Samuel Coleridge


Denise
Moderator
Member Seraphic
since 08-22-99
Posts 23002


13 posted 09-27-1999 08:29 PM       View Profile for Denise   Edit/Delete Message      Find Poems  View IP for Denise

Another excellent piece. It's always a pleasure!

------------------
Denise
Balladeer
Administrator
Member Empyrean
since 06-05-99
Posts 26302
Ft. Lauderdale, Fl USA


14 posted 09-27-1999 08:55 PM       View Profile for Balladeer   Email Balladeer   Edit/Delete Message      Find Poems   Click to visit Balladeer's Home Page   View IP for Balladeer

It's excellent, hoot. I wrote a line once that read "When the blood from out your arm makes its way down through your pen, and mingles with your thoughts to form the words you want to send..." Your poem reminds me of that same kind of feeling...and need.
hoot_owl_rn
Member Patricius
since 07-05-99
Posts 11105
Glen Hope, PA USA


15 posted 09-27-1999 09:14 PM       View Profile for hoot_owl_rn   Email hoot_owl_rn   Edit/Delete Message      Find Poems   Click to visit hoot_owl_rn's Home Page   View IP for hoot_owl_rn

Dark angel and Denise...thank you both

Balladeer...I feel that way oftem like my life's blood is coming out my pen. Writing can be glorious at one time, draining at anoth
I always welcome your comments...thank you
Soleil
Member
since 06-12-99
Posts 114


16 posted 09-27-1999 09:39 PM       View Profile for Soleil   Email Soleil   Edit/Delete Message      Find Poems  View IP for Soleil

Very nicely done, thought I'd share something with you:

A poem written on the spur of the moment
Is like the sun glinting
Through shattered glass
Highlighting the pain:
Illuminating liquor in the flask
Spilt upon a blood-drenched table
Where the monsters come to lick up
My consumptive drops
Like so many thirsty dogs.


....birds scuttle in the dust (Thom Gunn)
hoot_owl_rn
Member Patricius
since 07-05-99
Posts 11105
Glen Hope, PA USA


17 posted 09-27-1999 09:42 PM       View Profile for hoot_owl_rn   Email hoot_owl_rn   Edit/Delete Message      Find Poems   Click to visit hoot_owl_rn's Home Page   View IP for hoot_owl_rn

Soliel....thanks for sharing that, I love it....felt that way many times
passing shadows
Member Empyrean
since 08-26-99
Posts 46297
displaced


18 posted 04-18-2004 02:26 PM       View Profile for passing shadows   Email passing shadows   Edit/Delete Message      Find Poems  View IP for passing shadows

dontcha know I love depressing

great piece
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