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Bleeding Out Poetry
| Open Poetry #2 |
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Bleeding Out Poetry |
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hoot_owl_rn Member Patricius
since 1999-07-05
Posts 10750Glen Hope, PA USA 
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(Digging out a bit of the older and more depressing stuff today I guess) Bleeding Out Poetry I gaze down upon the paper before me; the ink that stains it, still dark and wet... like blood pouring from an open wound. I try to ebb the flow of words, thoughts, emotions; all revealing more of me than I choose to expose. Each line, syllable, letter reopens the gash. You cut out my heart with the precision of a surgeons scalpel. Your words, much sharper than my own, leaving me with no choice but to bleed out my thoughts. This flood of words, this hemorrhage of emotions, puddles in a blur before my eyes. More wetness now, upon my skin, and a single tear drops to blend with the ink.  ------------------ Some people come into our lives and quickly go. Some stay for awhile and leave footprints in our heart and we are never ever the same. Thank you all for leaving footprints!! [This message has been edited by hoot_owl_rn (edited 09-27-1999).] |
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| © Copyright 1999 Ruth Kephart - All Rights Reserved | |||
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Iloveit Senior Member
since 1999-09-02
Posts 1121NM |
wow hoot, this is great, am sorry for the pain, but you portrayed it very well, I have been there, written too many that the tears mixed with the ink *sad smile* |
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doreen peri Member Elite
since 1999-05-25
Posts 3812Virginia |
There is a lot to this poem.... the imagery wonderfully speaks aloud.... the following lines were particularly effective to me: "and a single tear drops to blend with the ink" Nicely done, hoot... i know this forum is not meant for critiquing, but sometimes when I see a work that I think could be even better than it already is, i have to say something. From your comment at the beginning, i take it that this is an earlier work of yours and you haven't edited it for some time. I'd like to see you take the imagery you've developed and maybe eliminate some of the superflous words.... so that you aren't telling the reader but showing them more. (I hope it's ok that i'm giving you a suggestion here. I just think you could take this very good piece and make a GREAT piece out of it.) here's an example of what i mean: "I gaze down upon bleeding paper, dark and wet blood pouring from my open wound and try to ebb the flow of words revealing me over exposed, ezch letter reopenning the gash- my heart cut out by your surgeon's scalpel" Anyway, i don't know if *you* think this eliminating some of the words makes it more powerful, but to me, i'd like to see you take this a little further. You are a very talented poet .... and this already FINE piece, imho, could be absolute dynomite with a bit of tweaking and polishing. Thanks for letting me express my opinion and again, i apologize if i overstepped my bounds in Open Poetry, being that this is not the Critical Anaysis forum. Keep up the good work |
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WhtDove Member Rara Avis
since 1999-07-22
Posts 9245Illinois |
Ouch! You can feel the pain in this one Hoot! Great imagery to make that come across! ------------------ God gave you two ears and one mouth...so you should listen twice as much as you talk. |
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Sage Spirit Junior Member
since 1999-09-22
Posts 19Derry, NH USA |
Wow! You captured the words in my heart on this very day my friend. I understand, and I am sorry for this pain you have known. All of the pain we experience today only prepares us for the love of our lives, it will happen some people are ready and others have lots more pain to endure. Bravo!! Sage Spirit |
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Severn Member Rara Avis
since 1999-07-17
Posts 7704 |
Like, like, like!!!  |
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RainbowGirl Member Elite
since 1999-07-31
Posts 3023United Kingdom |
Hoot: Pain opens us up to recognise joy, the two halfs of the coin, pain and pleasure....glad it's the latter for you now..:-) HUGS Lady ------------------ You give but little when you give of your possessions. It is when you give of yourself that you truly give. |
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Pepper Member Elite
since 1999-08-19
Posts 3079Southern Florida |
I like this much and as Doreen, love the last lines.......good work Hoot ------------------ May your days be filled with lots of sunshine and your nights lit up by golden moonbeams |
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Andrew Scott Member Elite
since 1999-06-24
Posts 2558Redlands,CA,USA |
Lady Hoot: Wish I had some old depressing stuff just hanging around to post. But then again, knowing what little I do of your past... I'm glad I don't. As always, count me one of your greatest fans. Very powerful stuff! Please do not take offence and I say this with the recognition that you are a way-far better poet than I, but I agree with DP on some of the changes. Take my opinion as you will, I just thought Doreen made some strong suggestions. Once again, you have my utmost respect. |
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hoot_owl_rn Member Patricius
since 1999-07-05
Posts 10750Glen Hope, PA USA |
Each and everyone of you...thanks so much for your comments Doreen...I never take offense to suggestions. I agree this poem needs revamped big time, but at the same time do not know what I want to do with it. One of those "let sleeping dogs lie things I guess." I find sometimes when I start playing with this older stuff, my mind set changes just a bit...one of the reasons most of this stuff is burried right now. Thanks for your suggestions, I appreciate them. Andrew...I thank you for your suggestions too...smiles, and I would prefer to not have any of this older depressing stuff laying around to post. As far as me being " a way-far better poet" than you...I would have to disagree. |
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Andrew Scott Member Elite
since 1999-06-24
Posts 2558Redlands,CA,USA |
Lady Hoot: I bow to you and your's with the honor and kindess of your words. Thank you. |
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hoot_owl_rn Member Patricius
since 1999-07-05
Posts 10750Glen Hope, PA USA |
Andrew....you are a dear, thank you |
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Dark Angel Member Patricius
since 1999-08-04
Posts 10095 |
Hoot, This is great stuff, great imagery ------------------ What comes from the heart goes to the heart. Samuel Coleridge |
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Denise
Moderator
Member Seraphic
since 1999-08-22
Posts 22648 |
Another excellent piece. It's always a pleasure! ------------------ Denise |
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Balladeer
Administrator
Member Empyrean
since 1999-06-05
Posts 25505Ft. Lauderdale, Fl USA |
It's excellent, hoot. I wrote a line once that read "When the blood from out your arm makes its way down through your pen, and mingles with your thoughts to form the words you want to send..." Your poem reminds me of that same kind of feeling...and need. |
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hoot_owl_rn Member Patricius
since 1999-07-05
Posts 10750Glen Hope, PA USA |
Dark angel and Denise...thank you both Balladeer...I feel that way oftem like my life's blood is coming out my pen. Writing can be glorious at one time, draining at anoth I always welcome your comments...thank you |
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Soleil Member
since 1999-06-12
Posts 113 |
Very nicely done, thought I'd share something with you: A poem written on the spur of the moment Is like the sun glinting Through shattered glass Highlighting the pain: Illuminating liquor in the flask Spilt upon a blood-drenched table Where the monsters come to lick up My consumptive drops Like so many thirsty dogs. ....birds scuttle in the dust (Thom Gunn) |
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hoot_owl_rn Member Patricius
since 1999-07-05
Posts 10750Glen Hope, PA USA |
Soliel....thanks for sharing that, I love it....felt that way many times |
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passing shadows Member Empyrean
since 1999-08-26
Posts 45577displaced |
dontcha know I love depressing great piece |
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