How to Join Member's Area Private Library Search Today's Topics p Login
Main Forums Discussion Tech Talk Mature Content Archives
   Nav Win
 Archives
 Open Poetry #2 Archive
 I Took A Walk Today
 1 2
Follow us on Facebook

 This is an Archive. You may post a reply, but new topics are not allowed.

 
User Options
Format for Better Printing EMail to a Friend Create a Greeting Card with this Poem
Admin Print Send ECard
Passions in Poetry

I Took A Walk Today

 Post A Reply   Go to the Next Oldest/Previous Topic Return to Topic Page Go to the Next Newest Topic 
Systematic Decay
Senior Member
since 09-15-99
Posts 1312
That place with padded walls a


0 posted 09-26-1999 12:58 AM       View Profile for Systematic Decay   Email Systematic Decay   Edit/Delete Message      Find Poems   Click to Submit your Poem to Passions  View IP for Systematic Decay

(I know this is a little rough around the edges, but I tried. Im not too great at rhyming poems.)


I took a walk today
The park was full of bees
I smiled at the laughing children
As fragrant flowers swayed in the breeze

On this sunny Saturday
I walked down to the beach
I kicked off my confining shoes
And allowed the sand to kiss my feet

I went on to a small cafe
Ordered a hot dog, pop, and fries
I gazed upon a young couple
They gazed so lovingly into each others eyes

I sighed, got up and payed the bill
And proceeded into town
I strolled into a gift shop
Where crystal trinkets could be found

My eyes landed on an exquisite piece
A turtle with eyes of emeralds
The price tag read 200$
I whipped out my checkbook, and the turtle was sold

I stepped out of the shop
With a smile on my face
I knew where I had to go
And I set out at a brisk pace

I knew my love would treasure it
He'd collected turtles since he was young
I was getting closer to him now
I nearly broke into a run

My heart was bearting faster
As the time was growing near
I gripped my bag tightly
And I swallowed all the fear

By the time I got there
Dusk had begun to fall
I settled down on the grass
And I heard him call

"Don't worry, love," I said
"I'll be there very soon."
I opened up the packaged
I'd bought that afternoon

I extracted the crystal turtle
From its tissue paper nest
And I set it ont the grave
Where my love was put to rest

I put my and in my pocket
And I felt the cold hard steel
I put my finger on the trigger,
I knew that this was real.

***BANG***




------------------
"Despite all my rage, I am still just a rat in a cage."
-Billy Corgan-
© Copyright 1999 Systematic Decay - All Rights Reserved
Christopher
Moderator
Member Rara Avis
since 08-02-99
Posts 9130
Purgatorial Incarceration


1 posted 09-26-1999 05:18 AM       View Profile for Christopher   Email Christopher   Edit/Delete Message      Find Poems  View IP for Christopher

I wasn't going to say anything, because my mom always told me if you can't say anything nice....
BUT, I had to.
SD, I think that over all this poem has some quality to it. I think the last lines of a few of the stanzas don't fit in length and are a little difficult to stumble over.

The last line in my opinion, seems to be there simply for shock effect. If this is what you were desiring, then you have indeed done so.
However, from a purely personal point of view, (one which requires me to allow everyone the freedom to speak their mind,) it feels to me like this is an attempt to spark some controversy over an otherwise placid poem. I feel as if you are some young punk, (not calling you a punk, describing the feeling,) who just wants to get attention and feels the best way to go about it is to scream "SUICIDE!"
If this is not true then I believe you either need to seek some help, or reconsider your choice of format when writing your poetry. If you want to speak of suicide, lead up to and don't glorify it by hiding it in the middle of a bunch of innocuous garbage. Because that is what the last stanza rendered this otherwise decent poem into, in my opinion.

And that's all this is, my HONEST opinion. Feel free to take umbrage at it, I don't care, just as you do not appear to care about the seriousness of "downgrading" a terrible subject which is an all too real fact of life. IMHO, glorification of suicide is never right. There is NO justification for it whatsoever. If I would have had any idea that this poem would be about this subject, and done in such a manner, I would never have read it. That I did is my own problem, and reading my response is yours.

Systematic Decay
Senior Member
since 09-15-99
Posts 1312
That place with padded walls a


2 posted 09-26-1999 03:19 PM       View Profile for Systematic Decay   Email Systematic Decay   Edit/Delete Message      Find Poems  View IP for Systematic Decay

Ok, Thanks for your opinion, and I do see where you are coming from, although you have misinterpreted this poem to an extreme extent. But I need to clarify a few things.

First of all, I am not writing this poem for attention or screaming suicide or anything else. As a matter of fact I went through that little phase almost a year ago, and I was very pathetic indeed. The poem was not a cry for help, and it wasn't to glamorize suicide either. It's not even about me right now.....its a possible future event. As of now, my love is perfectly alive, and still collecting his turtles.

The poem is meant to show a beautiful day...and I know my form needed some work...but it is meant to show a beautiful day, and how the world has gone on even though the subject of the poem hasn't. And how she was so in love that she couldn't bear to be on Earth while he wasn't. And the last stanza was meant to contrast the beauty of the day...and the last line was meant for shock and to leave the reader hanging......like I said I know the form of the poem could use some work. But I set out to tell a story in the poem, and I think I did so, even if nobody understood it but me. And If you don't like the ending, I'm sorry, but we all have the right to post anything we like on these forums, aside from profanity and such.

One last thing, I didn't set out with the idea of controversy in mind. I hvae written poems with that purpose, but this isn't one of them. It appears to me that You have created the controversy yourself.

------------------
"Despite all my rage, I am still just a rat in a cage."
-Billy Corgan-
 
 Post A Reply   Go to the Next Oldest/Previous Topic Return to Topic Page Go to the Next Newest Topic 
All times are ET (US) Top
  User Options
>> Archives >> Open Poetry #2 >> I Took A Walk Today Format for Better Printing EMail to a Friend Create a Greeting Card with this Poem
Print Send ECard

 

pipTalk Home Page | Main Poetry Forums

How to Join | Member's Area / Help | Private Library | Search | Contact Us | Today's Topics | Login
Discussion | Tech Talk | Archives | Sanctuary



© Passions in Poetry and netpoets.com 1998-2013
All Poetry and Prose is copyrighted by the individual authors