I died today.
Not in body, no,
That would have been far better.
I killed my soul,
I pulled out my heart,
and obliterated it, completely.
My fear killed me.
Fear of happiness,
fear of love,
fear of being a whole man.
I looked on the face of joy,
and it scared the hell out of me.
For so long, I have been a fortress.
Superman's fortress of solitude,
was a castle of sand
compared to the walls within my soul.
I touched happiness by chance,
not looking for what I found.
I drank from its limpid pool,
quenching a raging thirst,
I did not realize that I had.
I am a coward.
A coward afraid of his own heart.
Running from the love she gave,
like those in search of the grail,
when faced with the cave rabbit.
"Run away! Run away!"
Am I bitter? Yes.
Not at her, but at myself.
She did nothing, but offer.
Offer me the love I needed,
offered to erase the pain of nothingness,
which I had grown accustomed to.
Her energy enlivened me,
her intelligence intrigued me,
her beauty aroused me,
her perfection enthralled me,
her love fulfilled me,
and I ran like a frightened child.
Safe now, in my comfortable gloom.
No one to elicit joy in my heart,
no one coaxing my soul to feel,
no one upsetting my solitude.
No one to quiet the cacophony
of tormented screams in my mind.
Once again my heart languishes,
in the dormancy of winter's grasp.
Once again in my wretched void,
safe from the threat of happiness,
protected from the horror of love.
In my self imposed agony,
I hold tightly to spirit's extinction.
Acid tears cleansing me of love.
In my sorrow, I embrace the death,
I have visited upon my soul.
Yesterday is ash, tomorrow is smoke; only today does the fire burn.