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Another shot

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Seymour Tabin
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since 07-07-99
Posts 32119
Tamarac Fla


0 posted 09-13-99 10:58 AM       View Profile for Seymour Tabin   Email Seymour Tabin   Edit/Delete Message      Find Poems   Click to Submit your Poem to Passions  View IP for Seymour Tabin

Another Shot

Tequila with a pinch of salt.
I pour it slowly out a spout.
An aperitif of strong assault.
To numb the agonizing doubt.

I Look into the looking glass.
Uncertainty shows my eyes.
I cannot move my anchored ass.
Nor swill away the lies.

I turned away the offered hand.
Too vain its patch upon my heart.
I do not think that I could stand?
The agony of one more start.

Numbness scatters the breaking wave.
Mist quiets the endless loud.
I am not strong nor am I brave.
Perhaps, perhaps a wee too proud?

I can't surmount the tears of why.
Nor can I stop the whip held high.


[This message has been edited by Seymour Tabin (edited 09-13-99).]

[This message has been edited by Seymour Tabin (edited 09-13-99).]

[This message has been edited by Seymour Tabin (edited 09-13-99).]
© Copyright 1999 Seymour Tabin - All Rights Reserved
Paul Allen Lupien
Member
since 09-09-99
Posts 116
Ferndale,Mi.USA


1 posted 09-13-99 11:23 AM       View Profile for Paul Allen Lupien   Email Paul Allen Lupien   Edit/Delete Message      Find Poems  View IP for Paul Allen Lupien

Thought this had some clever lines and certainly an honesty.My humble suggestions as to some re-workings of the rhytmic flow are as follows:

An apertif (of) strong assault
I look (into)the looking glass
Uncertain (foggy) eyes
Nor swill away the lies
Too vain its patch(upon)my heart
The (agony) of one more start

-Just suggestions of course-

I only offer them because I liked much of what the poem was saying...

Sincerely,
Paul


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Seymour Tabin
Member Empyrean
since 07-07-99
Posts 32119
Tamarac Fla


2 posted 09-13-99 12:19 PM       View Profile for Seymour Tabin   Email Seymour Tabin   Edit/Delete Message      Find Poems  View IP for Seymour Tabin

Paul,
Your suggestions were good and I thank you.
Some times I get too cought up in the count.
Thank you again.
suthern
Deputy Moderator 1 TourDeputy Moderator 1 Tour
Member Seraphic
since 07-29-99
Posts 20770
on the threshold of a dream


3 posted 09-13-99 12:24 PM       View Profile for suthern   Email suthern   Edit/Delete Message      Find Poems  View IP for suthern

Seymour: I love the line "I cannot move my anchored ass Nor swill away the lies." Great job!
Seymour Tabin
Member Empyrean
since 07-07-99
Posts 32119
Tamarac Fla


4 posted 09-13-99 04:26 PM       View Profile for Seymour Tabin   Email Seymour Tabin   Edit/Delete Message      Find Poems  View IP for Seymour Tabin

Suthern,
Thank you so much for the read and comment.
LngJhnAg
Member Elite
since 07-23-99
Posts 3654
Boot+Kitty=Poetry in motion


5 posted 09-13-99 04:29 PM       View Profile for LngJhnAg   Email LngJhnAg   Edit/Delete Message      Find Poems  View IP for LngJhnAg

Seymour - if I'm not mistaken, Floyd says you better move your ass real quick - lol. I really liked this poem. I can easily see the bar, the mirror behind the bar, the dim atmosphere, and the lonely man sitting at the bar trying to forget. You really nailed this one.
Seymour Tabin
Member Empyrean
since 07-07-99
Posts 32119
Tamarac Fla


6 posted 09-13-99 09:11 PM       View Profile for Seymour Tabin   Email Seymour Tabin   Edit/Delete Message      Find Poems  View IP for Seymour Tabin

LJ,
Nice to hear from you. Thanks for the read and comment.
Poet deVine
Administrator
Member Empyrean
since 05-26-99
Posts 25869
Hurricane Alley


7 posted 09-13-99 09:16 PM       View Profile for Poet deVine   Email Poet deVine   Edit/Delete Message      Find Poems  View IP for Poet deVine

Sy! What are you doing? (Great poem by the way)..get out there and board up your windows....batten down your hatches...hunker down in the basement (do you have one of those?)...stock up on the essentials - Hershey bars and Vodka! Take care of yourself, I've heard Floyd is meaner than Andrew was!
Denise
Moderator
Member Seraphic
since 08-22-99
Posts 23002


8 posted 09-13-99 09:18 PM       View Profile for Denise   Edit/Delete Message      Find Poems  View IP for Denise

I enjoyed this one too Seymour!

------------------
Denise
Balladeer
Administrator
Member Empyrean
since 06-05-99
Posts 26302
Ft. Lauderdale, Fl USA


9 posted 09-13-99 09:24 PM       View Profile for Balladeer   Email Balladeer   Edit/Delete Message      Find Poems   Click to visit Balladeer's Home Page   View IP for Balladeer

That's a drawback of Florida, deVine one. Since we're at sea level, there are no basements. Nuts!

Good poem, Sy. Now get out and stock up on Vienna Sausages!
caroline
Senior Member
since 08-16-99
Posts 1251
http://members.xoom.com/bellad


10 posted 09-13-99 09:27 PM       View Profile for caroline   Email caroline   Edit/Delete Message      Find Poems  View IP for caroline

This one is really good Seymour. I enjoyed it.

Floyd may be moving my ass...*LOL* I'm waiting to see what he is gonna do...hey Seymour...got any more of that tequila??

------------------
The only man worth your tears will never make you cry...
Seymour Tabin
Member Empyrean
since 07-07-99
Posts 32119
Tamarac Fla


11 posted 09-13-99 09:38 PM       View Profile for Seymour Tabin   Email Seymour Tabin   Edit/Delete Message      Find Poems  View IP for Seymour Tabin

Thank you all for the concern I'll do my best. We'll probably get alot of rain so I'm posting an old Rain poem.
hoot_owl_rn
Member Patricius
since 07-05-99
Posts 11105
Glen Hope, PA USA


12 posted 09-14-99 09:22 AM       View Profile for hoot_owl_rn   Email hoot_owl_rn   Edit/Delete Message      Find Poems   Click to visit hoot_owl_rn's Home Page   View IP for hoot_owl_rn

Very nicely written, you have a way with words

------------------
"This world is not conclusion.
A sequel stands beyond,
Invisable as music,
But positive as sound."
~Emily Dickinson
Seymour Tabin
Member Empyrean
since 07-07-99
Posts 32119
Tamarac Fla


13 posted 09-14-99 10:42 PM       View Profile for Seymour Tabin   Email Seymour Tabin   Edit/Delete Message      Find Poems  View IP for Seymour Tabin

Hoot,
When I lay a poem to sleep I like to be the last entry. Thank you Hoot.
 
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