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afraid

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Dumblon
New Member
since 09-10-99
Posts 6
Erie, PA


0 posted 09-10-99 04:27 PM       View Profile for Dumblon   Email Dumblon   Edit/Delete Message      Find Poems   Click to visit Dumblon's Home Page   View IP for Dumblon

I am afraid.
No need to fear.
No desire to be frightened.
It's unjustified,
Unquantified,
Unchanging.
I still am afraid.

I love you.
Do you love me?
We're best friends,
Friends should be.
Are we?

My heart heals, much of it on it's own.
What a raw deal, I don't want to be alone.
Bitterness I have but try not to show.
I live for today for tommorrow, who knows.

------------------
(email)Dumblon86@webtv.net(/email)
© Copyright 1999 Dumblon - All Rights Reserved
desperado
Member
since 05-24-99
Posts 361
FT Hood,Tx


1 posted 09-10-99 06:27 PM       View Profile for desperado   Email desperado   Edit/Delete Message      Find Poems  View IP for desperado

welcome. just a few notices about some grammatical errors (in my mind, which, as most people know, doesn't exsist.)

"Friends should be." perhaps change it to 'Friends we should be.' or remove the period at the end of this statement and find some way to make the next line have a subject and fit with this line.

"I live for today for tomorrow, who knows." my thought that it should be 'I live for today; but tomorrow, who knows?' or if not but, then some other appropriate word.


otherwise, it is a wonderful poem and I'm quite surprised that it hasn't been commented on yet. hope to see you around.
Craig
Senior Member
since 06-10-99
Posts 882


2 posted 09-10-99 07:08 PM       View Profile for Craig   Edit/Delete Message      Find Poems  View IP for Craig

Dumblon
Nice poem, I think it's fine as it is.

Craig


------------------
Yes, I admit your general rule. That every poet is a fool:
But I myself may serve to show it. That every fool is not a poet.

Dumblon
New Member
since 09-10-99
Posts 6
Erie, PA


3 posted 09-11-99 09:20 AM       View Profile for Dumblon   Email Dumblon   Edit/Delete Message      Find Poems   Click to visit Dumblon's Home Page   View IP for Dumblon

thank you for the critique. it's what I was looking for. I think I will see if a rewrite would work.
hope to post more that I have later.
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