is at times easy to lie to the world than to yourself. The deceiving nature that we all carry seems to rear its ugly head sooner than later. I often at times sit here late at night after finishing my daily “routine” and wonder if these last few years have just been one long depression. Am I creating something within me or am I just wasting away in life? I can surely take on goals that may give me the push that I need, but the spark that I had in my early twenties has almost been abolished by my very own self. I neither blame my current situation or the past choices for it. For blaming oneself or others leads to no solution. I am not trained in studying myself objectively at all times or neither have I planned to pay someone to study me. I am a creature of habit in many cases. Even the idea of wanting change is a habit. Maybe these late night sessions will be beneficial as they will allow me to write again. I had often wish to find all the poems I have written, but realize now that they were there for me when I needed them and are not lost in cyberspace and completed erased in some instances because their work is now complete. Dwelling on the past for too long leads one to forget about the present. Knowing parts of my future creates a sense of boredom. I rather “know” my next few years then have it be a surprise. One part of me wants to rush out to remote places and live through struggle. While I know that if that were to happen, I would “miss” my office prison and the little comforts that I take for granted.
Why do I allow society to make me into a drone and never accept free will? Where does the free will of the masses go? Does it stay hidden and only shows itself on rare occasion where we refuse to care how others view us? I do not know many answers, but I sure have a lot of questions. I placed my thinking on hold for few years while trying to build a family life. I gave up one family for another one. I cannot embrace anyone as closely as I embrace myself. I do not have a reason or an explanation for it. Some may wonder if I am afraid to get close. I believe the fear is more of losing my “unique” self and realizing that I am just a commoner and nothing more, and many times a lot less. This is not a self hating penning but a clear view of the inner self. The night offers the thoughtfulness and the clarity that is often lost is the chaos of daylight. Once again, I will wake up, and go about like a drone. I will complete few pieces of work and then continue the current state evermore.