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A Mother's Story
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A Mother's Story |
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Ketooaina Junior Member
since 2007-04-20
Posts 37Nucla, Colorado |
This story is dedicated to my first son, whom we lost a year ago May 10, 2010. I was 26 weeks pregnant when I went into labor at 8:30 pm on April 12, 2010. I lived 2 hours away from any major hospital. By the time I got to our local clinic, I was fully dialated and my membrains were bulging. I was flown in a fixed wing to St. Mary's in Grand Junction, CO. My son arrived via emergency c-section at 2:14 am on April 13, 2010. When I went into labor with Nathaneal, I had no idea how short his precious, innocent life would be. I had no idea the struggles that he would have to go through, the suffering that he would have to face. I had no idea the pain that I, as a mother, would have to feel only because I couldn't help him or make it go away. I had no idea that through his death how much stronger our families would become or how deep mine and Matthew's love for each other really was. I also had no idea how much I needed to be touched by God or how much I really relied on Him. Watching Nathan over the coarse of 27 days was a miracle. It was a blessing and it really made me realize how precious life is. It also made me realize exactly how much God is in control. Only, at the time, I had no clue that Nathan's illness and death were any of these things. When the doctors in the NICU diagnosed Nathen with N.E.C. I prayed almost 24/7 and I truly believed that God would heal him and that, in the end, I would be able to bring my baby boy home. How ignorant I was in my faith. But being ignorant in faith is ok when you are hoping for a life to be saved and made whole. When he wasn't getting better, only worse, my mom and dad told me that I needed to let go and to let God have control. Only then would I be able to have the miracle that I prayed for. Well, I didn't listen. Then God forced me to let go by having the doctors tell Matthew and I that we either let him stay on life support and suffer until he died or we take him off of it and let God decide his his fate. Talk about a rude awakening! I remember very vividly sitting in that small conference room surrounded by family that loved us unconditionally when Doctor Garmany told us about the hard decision. I remember sitting next to Matthew and trying not to cry only because I felt that I had to be strong. I remember going back to that January when my great grandmother had that massive heart attack and was on life support and that the doctor gave my Grandpa Ernie that same decision. I then knew how he felt, only that was his wife, not his own flesh and blood. When those thoughts rushed through my mind, I lost it. I felt like I had failed my child because I couldn't take care of him, I couln't make him better. I felt like I had failed my husband because I gave him an unhealthy child. I felt so ashamed because of it all. Then Doctor Garmany asked if I wanted to hold Nathan when and if we decided to pull the life support. My first answer was no, but then I thought that what if I was in my son's place? Would I want my Mother to hold me while I died or lived? My answer to that was yes. I WOULD want my Mom to hold me in her arms while my life was dependent on God's choice. I then told the doc that I dont want to watch him die in my arms but as his mother I have to, I have no choice. The family and the doc gave Matthew and I a few minutes to discuss the fate of our son. We looked at the situation from all sides. We came to the decision that if we were in his shoes, we would want our parents to take us off of the life support so that we would not be in pain until we died. We told the family and the doc our decision and she asked when we wanted to do this. Mind you, they told us the news the night before Mother's Day. So we dedided to do it the day after. Mother's Day was the last full day I had with my son. It will forever be in my heart and in the forefront of my mind. I gave him his last bath and we got to get some prints of his tiny hands and feet. Matthew got his first nose bleed from Nathan when he stuck his fingers up his Daddy's nose  !The next day we arrived early at the hospital and we dressed Nathan in his 'going home' outfit and we spent the morning with him. Around 12:30 pm the nurse put him in my arms for the last time. At 1:00 pm the peolpe from Operation Tender Heart arrived to take pictures of us and our baby. The entire immediate family was in the room along with my pastor. The photographers started taking the pics. After a few minutes had passed Nathan was starting to squirm and he started to cry. I whispered in his little swollen ear, "Just a few more pictures baby. Hang in there for Mommy just a few more minutes." He calmed down a little, but not much. I looked up at Matt and he nodded to what he knew I was asking. So we told Doctor Garmany that it was time and so her and a few nurses surrounded me and my son and went to work taking the life support equipment off of my baby. When they were through, Nathan squimed a little and I remember gently whispering in his ear with tears rolling down my face, "I'm so sorry, baby. I am so sorry." That was all I could tell him as he took a deep breadth and died in my arms. I couldn't even whisper that I loved him. All I could say was that I was sorry. Matthew was right by my side through the whole thing. I remember him whispering to Nathan the it was going to be ok and that he loved him and that he was going to a better place and that Daddy was so proud of his son for being so strong. When he took that deep breadth and let it out he was so peaceful, so still. When I realized that his little spirit was gone, a piece of me died with him. I then whispered to him that I loved him and that I was proud of him. My mom said that somewhere in the midst of the crying and the whispering that I looked up and quoted the scripture, "To everything there is a season." I don't remember saying that, but.... When the photographers and the doctor and nurses left us alone for a few minutes, it was just quiet. Nobody said a word. I don't think any one could. Words were mute when it came to situations like that. Minutes passed before the room cleared of people needing some air. Soon it was just Matthew and I, his mom and dad, my parents and sister, my friend Serena, and my pastor. I remember Brother Dan coming over and giving Matthew and I a hug and looking down at Nathan with such love. I don't think he said anything before he left. Once I was ok enough to speak I asked if anyone wanted to hold my baby. The only ones that did were, my mom, my sister, my friend Serena, and I think my dad held him too. Watching them hold my son was so special to me. It touched my heart in ways that I will never be able to put into words. After Zene and Kathy left, my dad came over and asked me why I was saying that I was sorry to Nathan. I looked over at my son and then back at my dad and said, "I was telling him that I was sorry because I couldn't make him better, that I couldn't take his pain and make it my own. That I was sorry that he had to bear all that pain when he shouldn't have had to. That I am sorry that as a human being I failed him in that catagory of being a good mom because I couldn't take away the hurt." I know without a doubt that I did everything in my power for my son. I know that none of this was my fault and I know that Nathaneal will never blame me for what he went through. I know that Matthew doesn't and never will blame me for Nathan coming early and getting sick and dying. I know in my heart that I did the right thing for my child and that he will forever be in my heart. I also know beyond reasonable doubt that I will see my son again someday and that when I do he will be healthy and happy and he will never be sick or in pain ever again. I love you, Nathaneal Zene Weimer. You are an extrordinary child and you have brought your Mommy and Daddy such joy. We are both proud of you. We love you, sweetie. |
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Word Weaver Member
since 2011-03-06
Posts 437California, USA |
Having been through a similiar experience this story really tugs at my heart. We'll be joined with them again when the time comes. Thank you for sharing your inntermost feelings. God bless you. |
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JamesMichael Member Empyrean
since 1999-11-16
Posts 33336Kapolei, Hawaii, USA |
I feel sadness but mostly I feel the love you have shared...James |
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Alison 
since 2008-01-27
Posts 9318Lumpy oatmeal makes me crazy! |
I agree with James. I am so moved by the story of Nathan, Matthew, you and all of your family. I wish you the best as you continue to move forward in your life. You brought a piece of Nathan to all who pause and read your tribute to him. I am in awe of your strength and the depth of your love My heart goes out to you and Matthew and I hope you continue to grow and lean on each other. Thank you. Truly, I thank you. Alison |
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Britt_Brat Junior Member
since 2008-03-05
Posts 37Knoxville, TN |
This is really moving. I have never been through this, but i don't think i would've been as strong as you to hold my child as he died. my prays are with you. Lost & wondering till I'm found |
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miscellanea Member Elite
since 2004-06-24
Posts 4060OH |
Ketooaina, I am glad you decided to write about your son's strong and meaningful life. You've touched me greatly with your strength and motherly love. Thank you. Please keep writing. You have much to share. MisC |
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