1slick_lady
Member Ascendant
since 12-22-2000
Posts 5924
standing on a shadow's lace
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0 posted 09-22-2009 10:48 PM
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The Fall Is Hard
Its funny how things work out, yet I finally feel some sense of relief. I find myself crying and I don’t exactly know why. Right or wrong there is sadness when things are over, so we cry and we grieve. I need to feel this pain- to let things die, to able to live again, to go, and to start anew. I have to let this die for I die a little myself a little more day after day. And I will go on, again, adapting to the unknown. Seems to be a trait I have, adapting. How many times have I been through this?
Tragedy can hold you bound with strong arms; grounding you in false hope, all the time leaving you wishing for more. I am not good at long term pretend. It leaves so much lacking.
I try knocking on the hard shell to find something soft underneath. But these knocks go unanswered. Actions speak so much louder than words and they are screaming to the top of lungs, falling like cold rocks piercing the skin of calm and peaceful water.
I fear things, like the sound of one hand clapping, a heart healing again, the loneliness of a distant sound. I wake at night in the darkness not knowing where I am, confused, and reaching out to no one there. There has to be a better way forward.
Why have I waited? When there has been so much coldness and distance? I must admit there are things without chance. I resolve myself to that fact webbed within the threads of my torture; placing myself again in blame, failing yet again. Realization and acceptance of that fact is difficult.
I know myself. I can not know another; truly know another, not really. The things that have formed the scars, the malformed twisted places they are afraid to show. I have scars of my own. And have learned to make them blend by bringing them out to talk to them and about them. Some will never heal, I know this. They challenge me. There are things I have forgiven in myself and in others- but some shall forever remain open and bleeding.
I hope someday to find a place where fall is not so hard and leaves glide and land softly.
"I'm so hard to handle
I'm selfish and I'm sad."
— Joni Mitchell
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