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Escape

rad802
Member
since 04-19-2008
Posts 223
KY U.S.A.

0 posted 08-09-2009 10:56 AM

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There I was sitting beneath the sewer system drainage port. Strange as it may seem, I had once again escaped from them. I moved for a moment only to be discovered by a sensing device. Turning and darting in an hysterical run in a vain attempt to once again escape, I by chance find a long dimly lit corridor. Hearing only the footsteps of the bloodthirsty guards racing towards me from all conceivable directions, I take to the corridor in chance of possible passage. Racing towards what I find to be the end of such hope, I find myself in the midst of thousands of rows of glass cannisters. As my mind spins in an hysterical venture of freedom I spy a cannister containing the remains of a late great friend, pickled in his own juices.

A worthy legacy is the irrevocable consequence of dreaming.
Rick A. Delmonico

fractal007
Senior Member
since 06-01-2000
Posts 1949
Hamilton, Ontario, Canada

1 posted 08-14-2009 06:05 PM $View Profile for fractal007$ $Email fractal007$

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Inappropriate content?

The end of this little vignette is chilling. Still, however, I would have liked to see more detail. Also, you mix tenses quite a bit. You began your story in the past tense and then continued on in present tense.

Life's short. Think hard!
Me!

rad802
Member
since 04-19-2008
Posts 223
KY U.S.A.

2 posted 08-14-2009 07:47 PM

Inappropriate content?

The past tense is because he had been sitting there for a while. I made a mistake that I cannot correct at this time. It should say, I move for a moment (present tense). When it gets to "turning and darting" it sort of shifts gears and takes off.

I wrote this onto a sheet of paper in 1978 and then at some point lost it. But I remembered it word for word and rewrote it from memory, recently.
The pickled in his own juices came from Monty Python.

A worthy legacy is the irrevocable consequence of dreaming.
Rick A. Delmonico

[This message has been edited by rad802 (08-15-2009 10:03 AM).]

All times are ET (US)


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