crosscountry83
Member
since 07-30-2009
Posts 134
Trying to save myself
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0 posted 07-31-2009 04:32 PM
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Here I am: standing, waiting, wondering what is going on. There are many minds, but act as one person. In my head, there are many forces arguing, yet working together at once.
There is the will to stand out and do something extraordinary, but at the same time, there is an almost greater divergent will to unearth the truths and secrets of this world – and of my mind. I have the need to see what lies beyond life, but there are too many demands to live. There is no time to think about what is actually important. We concern ourselves so much with the insignificant that we cannot even imagine what is actually occurring.
I feel emotions and the will to hide those emotions. I want to be human, to be more than human. I want to find the drive to change myself from within. In my head, I see myself in the places around me trying to get what is going on. I feel that the answers to life - and death - lie within a cold stone barrier inside my mind.
I cannot find that key to unlock it, but here I am, beating fruitlessly on the walls of the prison in my mind. I almost feel as though there are more questions waiting to be released.
I should, I need to change to be different. Every day, I talk and cannot say what I actually mean. There are no words to describe the feelings of confliction and reflection. I want to be free; to have all the words in the world to explain and convey my unexplainable consciousness. How else will we know that we each don’t see the world completely differently?
I want to shut out everything that hurts, everything that changes the way I think, and everything that doesn’t. It seems the only way to exist contently. I want to rest alone in my head and mask everything that is happening. The confusion I feel about the questions I have makes no sense.
Why do people act the way they do? Why is it so hard to become what you want to be? Why do we lie? Is it to keep just one thing in our lives hidden? Why do we bond together in times of struggle and not as much in times of ease? Most importantly, am I the only one feeling the way I am feeling:
Always guilty of things I can’t control... always confused by ideas of life in my mind that push the realm of reality. What is real and what isn’t? I make inquiries to myself about these tribulations and countless others.
I can’t entirely, but I want to try to be in complete control of myself. I will strive to act more normal than I am. I will struggle to be quiet and keep these fanatical voices in my head to myself. The effort to keep my voices quiet enough to listen to and fortify the fragile shield that protects me continues. I need some help.
[This message has been edited by crosscountry83 (07-31-2009 07:28 PM).]
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