I'm writing a murder mystery and I need a little help here...suggestions?

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rachaelfuchsberger

Senior Member

since 2007-02-21

Posts 609
Las Vegas, NV

0 posted 2009-06-27 02:56 PM

Ok,so I usually write mediocre poetry, as many of you know already. Right now, I am also working on a murder mystery and I need a little help with/some suggestions for my death scene:

The silence was deafening to him. The cold breath of death brushed by him, and he shivered. It was as if Death itself were telling him his instincts were right. He knew before he even started searching the house that this would not end well. Hoping beyond hope that his friends were ok, James began a search of the premises.

As Collins progressed into the house, he pulled the firearm from its holster and held it out in front of him, the dangerous muzzle pointed at the ground. He crept through the residence, soundlessly moving from room to room. First, he checked the living room. Clear. Moving toward the back of the house, James rounded the corner into the kitchen, once again lifting his gun to shoulder level. There were a few dishes in the sink. Mrs. Scarborough’s potted tulips were in the window. There were three cereal bowls on the round, oak wood table. The back door was closed. On the fridge, there were drawings that Jessi had done and brought home and photographs of their vacation to Orlando the previous summer. No movement. No people. No weapons. No obvious signs of struggle. Clear.

Next, he went up the stairs, and checked each of the bed rooms and bath rooms in turn, whipping the weapon up to shoulder level, his arms still outstretched, as he rounded each corner. Clear. There was no sign of anyone. He quickly went back down stairs, and checked the guest bath room and the dining room. Clear. The whole house was eerily quiet.

James then made his way back through the house and to the kitchen. He proceeded to the stairs that led to the basement of the home. He pulled the string to light the steps downward. When he got to the bottom, he flipped the switch on the wall to light the basement. What he saw made his stomach lurch. Jean’s body was slumped over the top of the dryer, a bullet hole in her head, and a kitchen knife protruding from her back, near the ribs. Dan was on the floor, ten feet away, with several stab wounds to the abdomen and a gunshot wound to the chest. The whole scene was garishly lit by the white florescent tubes in the ceiling, giving the room a ghostly feel.

Collins could see a bullet hole in the concrete wall of the basement, just above the washer, where the round had exited Jean’s head. A large caliber. There was a sprayed pattern of blood spatter on the washer and the wall, painting a black and white picture with spots of violent red on the dull gray of the wall and the stark white of the washer. Grayish bits of brain matter that were just off from the color of the concrete, stuck around the bullet hole, with little bits of Jean’s matted hair coming out of the fissure. Thick red rivulets of blood were streaming down the dryer from Jean’s head, matting her long hair.

There was another bullet hole in the wooden basement door. From what Collins could see, it was a large caliber round. A wide streak of blood led from the door to where the body was laying on the floor. A wide pool of dark red blood surrounded Dan’s body. The metallic smell of it was only over powered by the rancid scent of raw meat from the mess of muscle and brain matter that spread over the room as if a cannibalistic food fight had occurred in the room.

It was all Collins could do, not to vomit. He could taste its bitterness in the back of his throat. The air was thick with the fear that always accompanied a violent death. The anger, hurt and shock welling up in him turned his stomach. He turned and ran back up the stairs, and out the front door. Once he got himself under control, he radioed in to dispatch.

Arana Darkwolf

Ron

Administrator

Member Rara Avis

since 1999-05-19

Posts 8669
Michigan, US

1 posted 2009-06-28 01:45 PM

This is a very nicely written vignette. Since you're specifically looking for suggestions, I have a few fairly minor ones, and one perhaps not so minor thought.

If you were to lose the opening paragraph entirely, I don't think it would hurt the story. I know you've tried to use it to set the mood, but mostly it's cliché, in large part perhaps because the mood itself is cliché. The paragraph also tries to foreshadow what is to come and, maybe, tries to make the reader care about the people (his friends) involved. I don't think it does either very well, however, and both could be better accomplished I think within the "action" to come.

The next two paragraphs are excellent. You've included some good visual details. You might want to throw in some smells and sound to round out the experience. What you've done exceptionally well here is establish the pace. The short, almost choppy sentences are action sentences and, in this genre, help heighten the growing suspense.

Some minor points, if I may.

Your protagonists name, of course, is something you need to get into the story quickly. If you look at the way that's handled in most modern fiction, you'll probably find that the writer uses the full name, James Collins, as soon as the character appears. That would give you, "As James Collins progressed into the house ..." I think you'd also find that, after the full name introduction, most authors, at least within the narrative flow, address the protagonist in one consistent manner. Jumping from first name to last name and back again, as you do throughout the vignette, is a little jarring. Every time you change, the reader has to stop and think who you're talking about; that reminds him he's reading a story, not experiencing it.

At the end of your second paragraph, Collins notes the drawings and photos on the refrigerator.

(Aside: be careful of words like "fridge." Do you have pop or soda with your hamburger? Do you drive on a freeway or a highway? There are a lot of words, and I think fridge is one of them, that are regional. That can be great if you are purposely using them to set your region, but you do need to do it on purpose.)

The personal effects Collins sees would be a really good place to change the pace (switch to longer, more involved sentence structure) and tell us a bit about the relationship between Collins and his friends. You need to either make us care about Jean and Dan or, more likely (depending on characterization), care about how Collins feels about them. Injecting this INTO the action, a little bit at a time, will avoid a lot of painful exposition.

By the time we get to what is now your third paragraph, we should have a reason to care what happens. As it now stands, your third paragraph isn't doing much for your story. It's a continuation of the previous paragraph, again using short, choppy sentences to good effect. After the longer, more involved sentence structure of the "why should we care" sequence, this will be good to get the reader back into the suspense. I think, however, it needs to do more. It might be a good place, for example, to have Collins see something that is out of place, perhaps just a bit (not too much) ominous. Here's where you can let the action insert a little foreshadowing of what is to come.

Okay, this post is getting long, so let's fast-forward.

The murder scene is grisly. You need to change your pace at this point, because the "action" and suspense have taken on a different tone. Your descriptions, I think, too closely follow the choppy pace of previous paragraphs. That's probably not what you want the readers to experience at this point in the story.

Were you to look at our site guidelines, you would find that we try very hard to discourage sensationalistic violence in the forums. That's not because we're prudes (even if, perhaps, we are), but because too much blood and guts is usually just a substitute for good writing. It's often the literary equivalent of WRITING EVERYTHING IN CAPS TO GET ATTENTION.

In this instance, I honestly don't know if your graphic descriptions of violence are useful effects or simple titillations. This is a vignette, not a complete story, so the usual "are there appropriate consequences" question can't reasonably be applied. If you're going to use this kind of violence in a story, the violence must further the story in some important way. It can't be there just for the sake of shocking the audience.

In this case, we don't know the story, so it's hard to say if the violence accomplishes anything useful. As the author, though, that's something you should think about very carefully. What do you want to accomplish in this scene? Does blood and pieces of brain matter do that for you? I think you might find that if you take the spotlight off the gore and put it back on Collins's reactions to the murders, you'll likely have a better story?

Mysteria

Member Laureate

since 2001-03-07

Posts 18328
British Columbia, Canada

2 posted 2009-06-28 01:58 PM

I have taken your piece and made some suggestions - is there somewhere I can send it to you? I actually did it in word, tracking changes.

Actually as I posted this I see that Ron has given you GREAT advise. Ron is the better person to do this

I agree though, I would like to see your character's "reactions" and what his mind is thinking more. Also as an avid CSI groupie, the position of his gun needs a bit of research.

You had my interest and good luck with your story.

Carpe' Diem,
Mysteria

rachaelfuchsberger

Senior Member

since 2007-02-21

Posts 609
Las Vegas, NV

3 posted 2009-06-28 02:18 PM

Ron,
Wow...that was a lot to take in, but I deffinitely appreciate all of it. Thank you. Although, I do apologize if the grotesque violence was a bit much for these forums. I couldn't really find a more appropriate place to put it. I must say, looking back on it, I agree that the first paragraph is unnecessary. Or, at the very least, misplaced. The portion of my story that I posted here was a scene in the middle of the first chapter, hence the lack of use of the main character's full name right away. I may stick with calling him "Collins" since he's a police officer. Perhaps I took growing up in the midwest (Lancaster, Ohio to be a little more precise)a bit for granted, and slipped some of my more "native" lingo in, with the use of words like "fridge". I appreciate you pointing that out. I never would have caught it on my own. Voice is something I always struggle with in my prose writing, and this is my first attempt at an actual novel, so feedback on the length and tone of my structure is most deffinitely appreciated. Thank you. I will deffinitely be making notes to myself on all the constructive criticism you've offered here. I knew I could get some helpful feedback from these forums. Thank you.

Mysteria,
You, and anybodyelse who would like to email me directly with feedback, or would like to view the rest of what I have so far of my story (I'm still writing it and I'm only into about the 3rd chapter), may email me at lilvampyricangel@yahoo.com . I'll be more than happy to email what I have and share it with fellow writers.

Arana Darkwolf

Mysteria

Member Laureate

since 2001-03-07

Posts 18328
British Columbia, Canada

4 posted 2009-06-28 02:27 PM

You've got mail! I am certainly no writer like our Ron, but I read, and know what I like reading so gave you my thoughts. I tend to skim over the sensationalism in books, unless it is really necessary to the story, like as in "Silence Of The Lambs." You can get the same message across with good writing, without reading that brains are plastered all over the walls.

Just a thought!

Again, good luck with this, keep writing.

rachaelfuchsberger

Senior Member

since 2007-02-21

Posts 609
Las Vegas, NV

5 posted 2009-06-28 02:44 PM

So do you! LOL. Feel free to edit away!

Arana Darkwolf

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