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nates2rad
Junior Member

since 2008-12-17

Posts 17

0 posted 2008-12-20 08:05 PM

                     PROLOGUE

         A man appeared on horseback at the edge of Aloysius in the cover of night. He was tall and had broad shoulders. His face and body had scars of battles that had taken place years ago. On his hip was his sword ready to be grasped if need should arise. The man also carried three babes. Two boys and a girl. He approached Aloysius with haste and caution. Tired and worn from the leagues he had traversed. The town was familiar to him yet he had not seen it for nearly three decades. A man lived here that he could trust though he knew he could not tell his old friend it was him. He set out to find his friend’ s house.
         It was not hard to find the house he was looking for. It was on the outskirts of Aloysius and there were no other houses near it. He walked up to the door and placed the three babes on the doorstep. He looked at them with love and sadness.
       “I do not want to abandon you.” he said. “I shall return one day and explain what I had to do and why.”
        He placed a note on top of the sleeping babes and rose to his full height. Curling his hand into a fist he pounded on the door loud enough to wake the sleeping residents. He turned and ran back to his horse and mounted him. With one last look toward the babes filled with sadness he spurred the horse on and was gone.
         An elderly man opened the door slowly and with caution for it was nearly dawn and people should be asleep at this hour. The man was old with gray in his hair and his beard. He was short but strong due to the hardships he had faced in his long life. Peering out the door the man did not see anything at first. When he happened to glance down and see the three babes at his feet with a note on top of them. Where did the come from, he thought and looked for the person who had left the children. His wife appeared next to him. She also had hair with gray in it. She stood taller than him by only a little and had a slender figure. When she saw the children at her and her husband’s feet she immediately looked to her husband
        “We must take them in.” she said.
        “We know not where they are from.” said the man clearly against taking in these children.
        “Thomas I will not allow these children to die on our doorstep! Not while I can do something to help them!” she said furiously. “Now pick up one of the children and help me bring them inside.”
        “Fine Marie. We shall take them in.” he said. He knew that he would not win this argument. He reluctantly picked up one of the children and the note while she picked up the other two children. Then he said “Let us read this note when we have settled the children. It may contain something about who they are or why they are here.”
        He stared at the crumpled up and folded up piece of paper. He slowly unfolded it nervous and anxious but did not want to tear the fragile paper. When the paper was completely unfolded and he scanned the paper. The handwriting looked vaguely familiar but he thought nothing of it. He then read it aloud:

Dear Thomas and Marie,
        Yes I know who you are and you know me as well. I regret to tell you that for the children’s safety as well as you own I cannot tell you who I am. I wish for you to raise these children as if they were your own. Do not leave them out to die.
        Thomas I know you were once a weapon’s master and wish for you to train them in the art of fighting with weapons that are suited for them. Train even the girl for she should not have to depend upon her brothers or any one else to defend her. They must be prepared for what is to come.
        Their names are Nathaniel, Christopher and Michelle. Nathaniel is the boy with dark brown hair and eyes of green emeralds. Christopher is the one with black hair with eyes of purple. Michelle is the girl with brown hair and eyes of blue sapphires.
        Heed this warning. If you shall disown these children and leave them to die I will kill you myself.

        He finished reading the note. Fear filled his eyes for he almost left those children to die. His gaze drifted to his wife who had a similar look in her eyes. With a silent agreement they decided to raise these three children.


                    BONDS

        Sixteen years later, Nathaniel stood soaked in sweat and his muscles burned as if they were on fire urging him to stop and give up. Nathaniel was sixteen years old. His dark brown hair was short and was always untidy. He stood at six feet tall and had broad shoulders. He was bulkier than most his age and stronger as well. He had determination that was matched only by a few. His emerald green eyes were shining with respect for his opponent.
         Opposite Nathaniel stood Joshua who was also soaked in sweat and the same burning in his muscles. He was also sixteen years old. His hair was black and reached down to his shoulders. It swept across his face covering part of the left side of his face. He stood a hair shorter than Nathaniel and his shoulders were not as broad as Nathaniel’s. Joshua was slimmer than Nathaniel but just as strong, fast and determined as him.
        They stood gasping for air that would not come quick enough. They carried two wooden swords one in each hand. Both were covered in bruises and cuts from traded blows. Thomas and Christopher stood watching the two fatigued swordsmen. Then Thomas walked forward between them raising a hand to each signaling them to stop.
        With a sigh of relief Nathaniel sat on the ground. He started laughing and said “What fun we have when we spar. Why do we always have to draw Josh?”
        Josh smiled. He preferred his nickname to his full name. “I enjoy sparing with you too Nate. Just as I have for the past seven years.”
        “You two are as equal as you can be. Neither one of you can gain ground over the other.” Thomas said. “That is good for you will learn more this way. You may even develop the ability to predict your opponent’s attack with only noticing a slight movement by them. The two of you are truly gifted with your weapons as well as you Christopher. But do not become arrogant and cocky for it will cause you to be careless and may even cost you your life.” The three boys listened well for Thomas did not give advice often and when he did it was of great importance. “Now go and bathe.”
        Josh and Nate quickly got up and placed their wooden swords on a rack near the door and left the room. When they had finished bathing and dressing they sought out Christopher. They found him sitting on a stump outside of the house gazing at the clouds and sky above.
        “Chris.” Nate called.
        Chris smiled. He hated when people used his full name and most everyone called him Chris except for his parents, Thomas and Marie. Chris was also sixteen years old. He was as tall as Nate and had a build similar to that of Josh’s. His purple eyes were full of gentleness and love. His hair was black and as short and untidy as Nate’s.
        “That match today was pretty amazing.” Chris said getting up from the stump.
        Chris had always enjoyed watching sparring matches especially between swordsmen such as his brother and Josh. He did not use swords himself however, swords felt clumsy in his hands. He preferred to use two single-handed double sided axes. They were heavier than one-handed swords and had a different balance to them that was perfect for him.
        “Ya but not as amazing as you when you use your axes.” said Josh. “We couldn’t even beat you when you use those.”
        “I don’t know.” said Chris. “It probably would be as close as the match you two had today.”
        They all laughed. Josh had been a friend to Nate and Chris for as long as they could remember. Josh’s parents were taken by a sickness when he was young and since by then he was friends with Chris and Nate, Thomas agreed to take him in and care for him as his own. The Three of them were inseparable. You could rarely find one without the other two. “Brother’s in all but blood.” they would say. Though Chris and Nate were blood brothers.
        They departed from their house on the outskirts of town and headed toward the center of Aloysius so they could go see their sister, Michelle.
        Michelle was shorter than her brothers Nate and Chris as well as her foster brother Josh. She stood about five feet four inches tall. Her beautiful brown hair hung down to the middle of her back. Her sapphire blue eyes always had a look of compassion and deep understanding. She was as strong as her brothers were and as skilled at her weapon as they were at theirs. A staff about the same height as her was her weapon of choice.
        Michelle was an assistant to Hannoria, Aloysius’ healer. Michelle possessed and aptitude for healing. She remembered better than most the names of plants and the proportions to mix them in to get certain antidotes and remedies. It was a good thing too for her brothers had a tendency to cause harm to their bodies.
        “Done with your training for the day I see.” said Michelle mockingly. “Don’t expect me to make you something for those cuts and bruises.”
        “Ya we know.” said Nate smiling.
        “Micky why don’t we ever see you training with father?” Said Chris. “I want to know how far you’ve come along.”
        Micky liked the nickname she had. It was given to her by her brothers who were the only ones who called her that. “You don’t get to see my training because Father does not want you to.” she said.
        Nate, Josh and Chris all wanted to know what kind of training she had. They could also tell that she was keeping something from them. Though they knew better than to press the issue. From what Thomas had told them, however, they figured that she was either equal to them or had surpassed them in fighting.
        “Why don’t you ask Hannoria if you can get the rest of the day off and come with us to go explore the woods?” asked Nate.
        Nate had a fascination with the woods. He could not explain it but it made him feel whole. He enjoyed just sitting taking in all the nature around him.
        Micky walked into the back room to ask Hannoria if she could go. The boys heard faint voices coming from the room. Michelle walked out of the room with a smile on her face and said “Lets go.”
         They walked out of the house and onto the main road. They headed east on the main road toward the woods.


                  A WICKED MAN

        Not long after they had left Hannoria’s home they arrived at the edge of Aloysius. Aloysius was a small town of two hundred people. It was bordered by a forest to the North and East and also by mountains to the West. The main road lead out to the South. On the West side of the road, after leaving the town, was scattered with hills, boulders, and trees. On the East side the forest slowly became less and less dense.
        Nate paused for a moment and look out at the land before him. He wanted to explore beyond the land he could see but he restrained himself. Someday I will explore all there is to see of this land. thought Nate. The sound and movement of a large group a long distance away caught Nate’s attention. “Who are they?” he said puzzled. He had not seen a group that size come to Aloysius before.
         “I don’t know.” said Chris. He looked toward the group staining his eyes. With eyes keener than Nate, Josh and Micky he could distinguish that it was a group of soldiers. He quickly told the others and said “There must be at least two hundred of them.”
        Alarmed Micky said “We should tell father.”
        “No, lets go check it out first.” said Nate.
        “Are you crazy.” said Micky. Clearly not wanting to go any closer to the soldiers.
         “Nate is right we should check it out first.” said Josh. “But let’s not let them know we are here.”
         Nate and Chris agreed without hesitation. They were eager to find out why the soldiers were here. Micky reluctantly agreed to go. She had a bad feeling about the soldiers. She couldn’t explain it.
        Nate often wandered the land south of Aloysius always keeping the town in sight. The group decided that he should lead the way so they would not be seen for he knew the land better than the rest of them. Nate chose to go toward the West where the boulders and hills could provide cover for them.
        They made their way toward the soldiers who had set up camp now. Nate hurried the rest along for it was close to night and they did not want to be there after dark.
        A sound of heavy footsteps came from behind them. They all turned in alarm staying under cover. Chris, being at the back of the group, peered behind them to see Lewis, a member of the town’s council, heading toward the soldiers’ encampment.
        After explaining to the others it was Lewis he asked “What is he doing here?”
        “Let’s go closer and find out.” Nate said.
         They dared to go a few yards away from the encampment behind a boulder that barely hid them. They saw Lewis exchanging words with what appeared to be the highest-ranking officer there. The official was tall and slim but wasn’t lacking in muscle. His hair was short and jet black. He had a malicious look in his blood red eyes. He carried a sword on his hip. They could hear the conversation.
         “...You can’t stay here.” said Lewis. “I won’t allow it! We need this road to trade with other cities.”
        “I do not care what you need it for. I am under direct orders from the king himself. Those who refuse to obey will be imprisoned or killed.” said the officer. Showing his short temper.
        Lewis had a look of fear in his eyes but he mustered his courage and said “I will not allow you to threaten my life as well as the lives of those in Aloysius!”
        Rage filled the officer’s eyes. “I have had enough of your insolence!” he said.
        In the blink of an eye the officer had drawn his sword from its sheath. With a bloody grin he thrust the sword into Lewis’s chest. The blade sticking straight though his back. Lewis died instantly and went limp on the blade. His body slid of the sword and fell to the ground with a thud.
        A gasp escaped Micky for she was horrified at what she had seen. The red eyes of the officer flashed to them. He saw the look of horror on their faces as they got up and ran away. He lifted his blade now covered in Lewis’s blood and wiped it off. I will need a clean blade for the slaughter I have planned for tonight. he thought to himself and let a laugh escape his lips.
        While running back to Aloysius Nate said “We need to tell father.” Fear was vivid in his eyes. Never had he seen such an act.
        Micky, Chris, Josh and Nate arrived at their house right before nightfall. They burst though to door gasping for breath and causing Thomas and Marie to jump.
        “What in blazes are you four doing!?” said Thomas.
        Trying to catch his breath Nate explained the entire ordeal. Micky broke down into tears. She regained her composer soon after Marie consoled her.
        “You four follow me.” said Thomas.
        Thomas walked out of the room. Quickly Nate, Josh, Chris and Micky followed him.

Marc-Andre
Senior Member

since 2008-12-07

Posts 501

1 posted 2008-12-29 02:03 AM

Well done, Nathan. Here we’ve got a good draught that desserves attentive revision. Let’s examine the first paragraph:

A man appeared on horseback at the edge of Aloysius in the cover of night. He was tall and had broad shoulders. His face and body had scars of battles that had taken place years ago. On his hip was his sword ready to be grasped if need should arise. The man also carried three babes. Two boys and a girl. He approached Aloysius with haste and caution. Tired and worn from the leagues he had traversed. The town was familiar to him yet he had not seen it for nearly three decades. A man lived here that he could trust though he knew he could not tell his old friend it was him. He set out to find his friend’ s house.

1 - 123 words. Could we reduce the word count to affect the pace of the first paragraph? ;

2 - Word count by sentence: 15-7-14-14-6-5-7-9-16-21-8. Sonic effects can be achieved with a judicially placed much shorter or longer sentence. The effect of contrast demands a regularity in which it can take place;

3 - Choice of vocabulary. Adjectives slows the text down. The idea is not to leave them entirely out, but to choose them carefully and use them concisely. This goes with nouns, verbs and adverbs as well. In your first paragraph, “tired and worn” are as commonplace as they are redundant. Here’s an online thesaurus: http://www.merriam-webster.com/

4 - Show, don’t tell. Can we show his appearance without telling it?

Here’s my quick little version:

On horseback, he loomed on the skirts of Aloysius under the cover of night, carrying three babes; two boys and a girl. The struggle of the trodden leagues, holding the babes above the pommel of his ready sabre, highlighted the aged scars. He advanced towards an old friend’s house, in a borough he hadn’t stooped to haunt for three decades.

1 - The word count passed from 123 to 60 words. Rhythm: my first sentence is in anapestic beats (anaPEST) to highlight the sense of urgency in his approach.

2 - 22-20-18;

3 - Sword is changed to sabre, appeared to loomed, edge to skirts etc. Does it alter the tone of the text? Does it give more vivid images? Does it better foretell what is to come? Also, more attention is given to grammar and English usage e.g. UNDER the cover of night.

4 - He is holding three babes, above the pommel of his sword. Does it show that he is tall and has broad shoulders?

And while we are talking of vocabulary and showing, could we alter the repetitive He said’s/She said’s to more specific, more vivid words that show us something?

It is for you to answer these questions. As for these pieces of advice, you are free to take them or leave them. It is also for you to tell what to leave in and what to take out, or to reveal later. Let me just say that if I took the time to rework the paragraph and write this feedback, it’s because I believe your text is worth it and has much potential

A Happy New Year to you! Mark

nates2rad
Junior Member

since 2008-12-17

Posts 17

2 posted 2008-12-30 03:54 PM

Thank you for your advice it helps me a great deal.

Happy New Years ~Nate~

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