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undead warhead
Junior Member
since 2008-11-22
Posts 11


0 posted 2008-12-04 11:43 AM



My life has been nothing but battle.
Sometimes grave losses, grasping my teeth I have seen how my dreams are crushed.
On the other hand I have tasted godly victories, moments of glory that brighten and strenghten the future.
This is my lifestory.

My mother died long before I was born. My father was a bondsman for a rich baron.
Food was scarce and I had to find it myself from the moment I was able to walk.
I carried trunks in the woods, sharpened saws and carved axe shafts before I was four.

But no matter how much me and dad worked, the baron wasn't happy.
One night, my dad packed a birch-bark and said we are going for the road of dispossession.

We went out into the frost, I had nothing on but shirt, and my dads old long range ice skates with almost 28" blade for shoes.
It was almost -100 degrees of frost, as we travelled quietly. I heard my dad mumbling he won't be subdued so easily.

After walking sometime, we came into a large city. We started begging immediately.
We begged in three shifts and soon we were happy to discover we had earned a fortune.
With the money, my dad founded sawmills all around the country and we rejoiced as they flourished.

We could now relax a little and my dad also started investion business.
Stock markets were boiling and with our clever moves our investments growed considerably.
We bought a great castle at the middle of the city where we moved with almost 100 head staff of servants.

My dad had heard at the millionaire club that there was coming a new revolutionary invention, a finger condom.
At that time, the most common cause of death was fingersyphilis which was contracted during a foreplay from unwashed vaginas.
My dad changed all of our possessions into cash and bought US Fingercondom Fabric Co. with all our money.

At first the stocks rise 100% everyday, but one morning my dad cried after reading the news:
"my son, we have lost everything, pack your bags, we are going on the run again".
In the news there was an article about new invention, soap. Now washing your private parts was possible to be performed at home,
without needing to resort to caustic soda wash given by doctors.

Fingercondom markets crashed down and the next day the bailiff seized our assets and my dads head,
which was laid as an assurance of our debt which we couldn't pay.
As his last words, my dad said: "my son, in life you have to have w*nk".

I mourningfully wandered about the streets. I tried to beg but peoples attitudes had hardened,
I had only poisonous comments and few times had narrowly escaped from bullets of Parabellum.
Then I heard news which set my grief into right proportions.
In radio they were announcing repeatedly "Russians have attacked USA, everyman into arms".
I enrolled in the nearest recruiting office and got a train ticket to frontline.

When I arrived, the battle had already started.
Anti Air gun was installed on my back and my pockets filled with missiles.
I run towards enemy firing repeatedly with my AA gun.
Soviet tanks noticed me and furious battle ensued, red army surrounded me in some old shed and started artillery barrage.

Everytime brother russian was loading his mortars, I shoot missiles into russian trenches.
Stalin sent 30 divisions of men to make sure I wont escape from the shed.
Besiegement continued for almost three years.
I was almost malnourished, but didn't complain.
At one night, I noticed a bookshelf on the shed, which I havent noticed before for some reason.
I checked out the shelf and pickud up a bible, read it and prayed.

Suddenly I heard how Hitlers army attacked the red army and slaughtered every Vanya.
I thanked God and Jesus. My glorious defence against the russians was noticed everywhere in the world.
I earned almost 45 pounds of medals and from Hitler I got almost 13 feet long Rudolf Hess statue, made from pure gold.

War ended and I returned to civil life as a reserve Marshall.
I carried my statue to auction and got a nice nest-egg with which I could start christian sermon campaign.
I also started the first internet pages, almost 50 years before anyone else, and didn't even want to update them afterwards.
I got around the world and I was quickly known with a nickname "Horror of Tenerifa".

I took part on several war campaigns at the side of free world,
with bible and 6 feet long jungle knife made by myself, which shooted fishing-line, as my weapons.
I won the Vietnam war and got an option to challenge trophy in Korean wars.
At my freetime I was openly opposing homosexuality and cannibalism.

Then I got bored to be the centre of attention and center of the world.
I operated my face to look different, bought humour clothes and moved to Poland.
Now I live scaring kids in a near amusement park and live by aid dropped from planes of red cross.

© Copyright 2008 undead warhead - All Rights Reserved
fractal007
Senior Member
since 2000-06-01
Posts 1958

1 posted 2008-12-07 12:10 PM


This is certainly an unusual story and a quirky autobiography.  I am uncertain as to how appropriate the title of the story is, given the now notorious association between the words "Mein Kampff" and the author of the book which bears that name.  

I know you have not requested constructive critiques, but I would suggest you do some reading of more novels or poems etc.  These will give you some experience in the ways in which English is put to good use.  

I thought the finger condom idea was particularly interesting.  I am not very familiar with history, I'm afraid, so I don't know - are you writing about something that actually happened, or is your story more a kind of fantasy / alternative history?

Life's short.  Think hard!
Me!

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