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May/December cont.
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May/December cont. |
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Susan Caldwell Member Rara Avis
since 2002-12-27
Posts 8348Florida 
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Aug. 23rd The last few days has been chaotic. A tropical storm blew in and caused you to work long, hard, miserable days. And yet you still found time for me. And that time has only intensified how I feel. It has become difficult not to tell you. But I keep reminding myself that it wouldn’t be in your best interest for me to feed my selfish need to purge. So I stay silent. When I have time alone my thoughts are bi-polar. I think of you and my time with you. The things we talk about, joke about, and the rest. I have never had time like we have with anyone else. Then the other thoughts creep in, the reality. I cry and I hate myself for my weakness. So I indulge myself with dreams. I dream that we have no gap, that we are young and unburdened by the world, the looks, the judgments. We are happy. I dream of things I cannot have, cannot ever be again. It is like being in a doomed relationship. As if one half of the whole is terminal. The knowledge that one day they will be gone and pain of that reality. I need to just live in the moment. Not to waste a second of what is now. It feels like inevitable death is looming. And still, what is now is worth it. Aug. 25th I honestly had hoped these entries would come for a long time. I allowed my heart to believe that, ignoring logic. Today seems to be putting that to the test. Heart over head. I wish I could tell my heart what to do, what to believe. Today started weirdly. Last night I went over for dinner. I had a good time. Then we went to your room to watch a movie. You fell asleep. I decided to let you sleep as it had been a long week for you and you had spent so much of your free time with me. I left you sleeping. I didn’t want to leave. I wanted to curl up with you but I was afraid I would wake you and then I would feel guilty for doing so. When I got home you texted me and asked why I left. I explained and things seemed okay. This morning you told me you were going to be busy this week catching up on things and I told you I understood. You then said, “You know you need a break from me too.” It felt like you were saying you needed a break from me. I promised myself when this happened I would walk away, no drama, no guilt. Just let you go because I knew I had no business being with you. I still intend on doing that for you but it hurts more than I imagined. How did I get here? I feel like a fool. I can’t do this, yet I must. It feels so unfair. Aug 29th I am on a roller coaster ride and honestly cannot tell if it is me or you. I am trying to give you your space when you need, yet you will go off on your own and spend a good portion of that time texting me and/or calling. I get so confused and wonder what confusion you must be going through. Are you embarrassed by me? I am plagued with doubts. I tell myself you can’t possibly really care. I wonder if you feel stuck and just don’t want to hurt me. Then you call and say all these wonderful things to me and I feel like you really do care. Is it possible that you do and that is what confuses you? The thought leaves me feeling guilty for not leaving you alone when I should have. I am responsible. If only things were different. Sept. 2nd. Torn, I am torn. I need to reexamine after this last weekend. I need to reexamine what it is I am doing and my convictions. A little less than a month and it’s been too much too fast. We both said things in the park, things that should have been left unsaid. You asked and I told the truth. For me, I am not sorry, for what it seems to have done to you I wish I could take it back. I brought it all up later and you seemed to want to pretend like it didn’t happen or that is shouldn’t have and that you really needed to step back, step away. My strength is not what I thought it was. I find myself wishing for things I have no business wishing for. Maybe I need to step back as well. I feel so badly, so responsible. I have put you in a position you clearly do not want to be in. My hope is that when you are done you have the strength to tell me, to walk away, because I no longer do. "too bad ignorance isn't painful" |
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| © Copyright 2008 Susan Caldwell - All Rights Reserved | |||
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nakdthoughts Member Laureate
since 2000-10-29
Posts 19200Between the Lines |
awww Susan~~ I love how you let one read between the lines... I know of these feelings and how decisions aren't easy. Sometimes it takes more time to know for sure where it all will lead or to find out it won't really lead anywhere and to either except that by holding back those deeper feelings just because the giving without the return makes you feel like you are losing a part of yourself. (Not sure if you understand what I am saying) I will read if you continue writing  M |
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Susan Caldwell Member Rara Avis
since 2002-12-27
Posts 8348Florida |
Sometimes it's just better for the other person if you hide all your feelings...sometimes they either aren't ready, don't want it from you or are too scared to try again. In any case if you really care about them you cannot back them into a corner or put them in a position where they may feel guilt for your feelings. When you really care you put their feelings first. Sometimes it's hard but necessary. Thank you M for reading. "too bad ignorance isn't painful" |
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Sunshine
Administrator
Member Empyrean
since 1999-06-25
Posts 63354Listening to every heart |
And sometimes laying all of one's cards out on the table brings truth the forefront, rapidly. I've been very intrigued with these writings, Susan. You've opened up a whole new jar of whatifs.  |
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Susan Caldwell Member Rara Avis
since 2002-12-27
Posts 8348Florida |
Thank you Karilea. Honestly, it depends on the situation and the people. Some need time to come to terms with their feelings or lack thereof. We as humans, sometimes rush into things because it fulfills an immediate need and we misinterpret that as something it isn't. In that circumstance we need to give them the time to figure out if it's real. Without pressure. In my opinion, that's love in it's purest form. Sacrificing yourself for them. "too bad ignorance isn't painful" |
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Margherita Member Seraphic
since 2003-02-08
Posts 22236Eternity |
quote: Yes! Or otherwise said, loving unconditionally without expectations, but it is not so easy actually. I found your journal very interesting and well written. Love, Margherita |
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Alison 
since 2008-01-27
Posts 9318Lumpy oatmeal makes me crazy! |
Maybe all relationships have hurdles that makes it hard to trust and release ourselves to it. Are we always looking out to see what others think of our choices? How do we open up and not be afraid that, by doing so, we end what is just beginning? Susan, as you share your journal thoughts, I think of same sex couples, bi racial couples, May-December couples, fat - thin couples ... so many hurdles and, yet, some make it. I read a book recently - and when I think of the title, I'll post it. It was about what you are writing about and the insecurities involved. It was a really good book, but my brain is on vacation, and I can't remember the title! I am glad that I waited for this day to read your writings. Alison |
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Susan Caldwell Member Rara Avis
since 2002-12-27
Posts 8348Florida |
Thank you for reading. Alison, when you think of the title, please pass it on.  "too bad ignorance isn't painful" |
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