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May/December
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May/December |
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Susan Caldwell Member Rara Avis
since 2002-12-27
Posts 8348Florida 
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Aug. 18th I start this now after only having known you a week. That is because I already know how I feel and unfortunately, I fear it is what will cost me in the end. In some ways I have already come to terms with that and in others it hurts each time I take it out and examine it. Yet here I am, willing to live this out because I can do nothing else. Because the last week of my life has been better than a life time of weeks and you are solely responsible for that. You speak to me with words like “dating” and “relationship” and I feel sad that I am the only one that seems to know that some day you will wake and find me not what you thought. You will leave because you have to. Because you have a life to live and I have already done so. For someone else I would find this, what we are doing, questionable. I would wonder what they want from each other for surely it isn’t each other. I will not do that again. Who am I to question what another may feel? I never thought myself here. But here is where I am. Here is where I am and no other place I want to be. Aug. 19th Today has been hard for a number of reasons. I spent time with you last night and as always I was left warm and happy. I went home early as you seemed tired and I didn’t want you to lose sleep because of me. Our time together is unexplainable. I feel a sense of comfort I have never known before. I have also never felt the need to touch as I do with you. Today I had lunch with mutual friends and found out that you had no idea just how much life I had on you. It scared me and made me sad at the same time. I wish so much to be able to change that but I know what is, is. Later you told me that your roommate was asking questions and that you would talk to me later about it. The tears sting the back of my eyes and I see it for what it is; fear. I know you think you don’t care what they think. I know you think you can handle it. But I know enough to know they will wear you down. They will pick at you, at us, until they convince you to pull away. This has nothing to do with your strength or conviction. It will become logic. The thought makes me want to retreat within myself. But there is a bigger part of me that feels like me being in your life right now is somehow needed. I know the other side of that is that eventually you won’t. I can only hope that I am able to show you, to make you see what you deserve, what you are worth, so that you never think you have to settle. If that is what I do for you then it will be worth it. Aug. 20th As always the time we spent together last night was a beautiful distraction from reality. I fear that you will somehow feel how deep my feelings are for you and it will scare you. I try to hide it behind humor. I try to express it in my touch without you recognizing it for what it is. Otherwise the words would spew from my lips and there would be no turning back. Your love of teasing me makes me smile. I love the goofy side of you. It reminds me that life can be fun. This is what you are giving me. I lose track of time with you. I want to wrap myself up in this and stay there for as long as I can. I wish for it to last forever and yet I realize that is selfish. I should wish that you take what you need from me and move on to where you should be. I pray for strength enough to make sure that happens. I must remember that your best interest is what is most important. "too bad ignorance isn't painful" |
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| © Copyright 2008 Susan Caldwell - All Rights Reserved | |||
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Sunshine
Administrator
Member Empyrean
since 1999-06-25
Posts 63354Listening to every heart |
We go through all kinds of machinations in order to be the someone we're not in order to make our friends happy. I know someone who might benefit from this piece of prose, Susan. So if you don't mind, I'm going to share you.  |
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nakdthoughts Member Laureate
since 2000-10-29
Posts 19200Between the Lines |
Susan, this touched me in many ways. Your words were so tender and show the caring for this person. M |
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Professor Gloom Member Elite
since 2000-07-23
Posts 3082of Depression |
this has feeling i can identify with, enjoyed (is it real?) Gloom |
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Susan Caldwell Member Rara Avis
since 2002-12-27
Posts 8348Florida |
Karilea, thank you and of course. M~ thank you..there is much feeling in it. Gloomy One~ thank you..and yes. "too bad ignorance isn't painful" |
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Didymus Junior Member
since 2008-05-01
Posts 33USA |
Susan you speak to my heart Your openess is an afirmation of life itself Your Uniqueness of needs of hope of desires affirm relavance within my existance Don't we all need to know there's someone else out like ourselves? Wonderous and thank you Didymus |
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1slick_lady Member Ascendant
since 2000-12-22
Posts 6088standing on a shadow's lace |
Out There your words touched me on many levels I am going through turmoil in my own life of a different level decisions of who it is I am and of what I feel to let go, to give in and to live in things out of my control lately in my spaces I have come to terms with the fact that life is short and so is happiness we have to grab and hold fast to things out there somewhere is everything you want to know of where the mermaids swim it is deep and hard to get to but it is there along the rocks a calm and soothing place we have but one breath so dive |
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Susan Caldwell Member Rara Avis
since 2002-12-27
Posts 8348Florida |
Thank you all very much. It means a lot to get so many responses in the prose forum. There is more that I have written but I am holding back, afraid of how much to display.  "too bad ignorance isn't painful" |
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JamesMichael Member Empyrean
since 1999-11-16
Posts 33336Kapolei, Hawaii, USA |
Enjoyed reading this...James |
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Susan Caldwell Member Rara Avis
since 2002-12-27
Posts 8348Florida |
Thank you James. "too bad ignorance isn't painful" |
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passing shadows Member Empyrean
since 1999-08-26
Posts 45577displaced |
Susan...let it hang out there sweetheart...no one is going to judge you here...if so then I would have been on death row a long time ago. |
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Alison 
since 2008-01-27
Posts 9318Lumpy oatmeal makes me crazy! |
Susan, I have been waiting to read your May/December entries. I wanted to read them on a lazy day when I could sit back and savor each one. For some reason, I felt that this post would be special. It is special. You are so generous to share this time of fear. I am thinking of quick sand. That emotional time when it all feels so good, but it's like there is no foundation under foot. I am off to read some more, but I want you to know now that I am touched. You have touched me with this sharing of such a personal part of you. Alison |
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