»
Main Forums
»
Passions in Prose
»
Untitled #
| Passions in Prose |
|
Untitled # |
|
|
Goldenrose Member Elite
since 2003-05-30
Posts 3665
|
Grey-yellow clouds scudded by high above his head. That indicated things were cleaner now, the air was better. Everything was charcoal grey still, the houses lay in part ruin. The city was all he had known, it's grime, filth and stench was now part of him Looking at his hands, nails bleeding, flesh ripped from moving rubble. What was that? he thought he heard something? His hearing was so acute now. The men at arms were always looking for people like him, rebels they called them, but they would not find him. Ducking into an old shell of a house, damp decay rose up to meet his entrance to a room that once echoed with family laughter. Dirty grey snow fell into the house's gaping hole in an outside wall. Peering out he saw a woman walking down the ruined street. Watching, he began to think it could be a trap by the men at arms, they might use her as a bait to bring people out into the open, he did not trust them. She was wearing a red jacket, a splash of blood red on a grey landscape, this was unusual, he thought to himself. He couldnt see her face clearly from where he was yet, but she was moving closer now and making her way to the house he was in. Desire for nothing except desirelessness,hope for nothing except to rise above all hopes, want nothing and you will have everything.avatar Meher Baba. |
||
| © Copyright 2006 P.D - All Rights Reserved | |||
|
Poet deVine
Administrator
Member Seraphic
since 1999-05-26
Posts 22612Hurricane Alley |
First, I prefer to read paragraphs..it separates the thoughts neatly. Not sure if you have a thing about not using them. The word 'scudded' threw me..I'm sure it's used in the right context but it made me stop for a second to think about it. I enjoyed your story and think you should continue it!  |
||
|
Goldenrose Member Elite
since 2003-05-30
Posts 3665 |
Devine thanks for the reply,scudded is ok in this context ( see ''scudded'' in dictionary.com) no i dont have a thing about using paragraphs, i just wanted to get it down while it was in my head. If you go to Anoucements and Links you will see that i want the story to be participated on by the members, like a rolling story, i would be interested to know what your thoughts would be, i was merely rolling the first snowball. Thank you for your words though.. Goldenrose. Desire for nothing except desirelessness,hope for nothing except to rise above all hopes, want nothing and you will have everything.avatar Meher Baba. |
||
|
Poet deVine
Administrator
Member Seraphic
since 1999-05-26
Posts 22612Hurricane Alley |
Ok..I'll give it a try... ***** Magda’s mind was lost. She didn’t know it was, but since the war, she wandered aimlessly trying to find something. She knew some things intuitively. It was coming on night and she would need to find a place to rest. She turned towards a house with a large hole in the roof. To her it was just a skylight – she saw no horror in the hole. She never wondered if someone had lived in the house. She didn’t ponder the history of those who previously lived there. She just saw the house. She didn’t see him lurking inside as she opened the door. For a moment she was silent and thought perhaps she heard breathing. But she knew that no one was alive. Even those men who carried guns and tried to frighten her were just ghosts. Not really alive. No one was alive. In Magda’s mind, she was the only person who survived the war. People tended to avoid her, seeing the distant look in her eyes. She was a walking dead woman. No one wanted to connect with her for that would mean that she would become dependent on them. Life was hard enough without having to worry about someone else. Magda found an old table laying on it’s side, she lay down next to it and put her back to the hard wood. |
||
Midnitesun
since 2001-05-18
Posts 28647Gaia |
The scent of fear permeated the room. The silence felt like a coarse heavy blanket, suffocating everything it settled onto. He had to be cautious. Traps were being set everywhere by the men at arms, and even a beautiful, seemingly innocent woman could not be trusted. He crept slowly backwards, careful not to disturb the silence. There would be time to question her later. For now, he would simply recede into the darkest corner of the room, sit on his haunches, and wait. He could tell by the heavy breathing that she had fallen asleep, believing she was alone. |
||
|
CrAzI_bAbI_cHiKa Member
since 2003-07-16
Posts 248 |
He must have dozed off in that corner, he wasn't sure. All he knew was that at some point during the long, cold night, he had lost all sense of the conscious world. When all suddenly came back into view, he noticed she was no longer asleep, but sitting up straight, watching him. He stared into her eyes a moment, before hastening to stand. She barely seemed to notice, but instead simply continued to stare at the place he just knelt. He was so entrapped by her eyes, he didn't notice her mouth moving until he heard her voice. "My name is Magda." When I'm good, I'm very good. But when I'm bad I'm better. |
||
|
Sunshine
Administrator
Member Empyrean
since 1999-06-25
Posts 63354Listening to every heart |
For a moment he thought it best to remain silent. But her eyes burned into his. He could not stop his own tongue. “My name,” he replied, “is Gunther.” Magda watched him as a chicken watches bugs. Hungry, her hand went toward her knapsack, then just as quickly, her eyes revealed her own realization to him, that there was nothing for her to reach for. He nodded. “I have bread.” She nodded. |
||
|
Goldenrose Member Elite
since 2003-05-30
Posts 3665 |
''Thank you'', she heard herself say, as if outside of the whole scene. For longer than she could remember she had been alone, scavenging food and filling her knapsack, now she was accepting food from a complete stranger. She ate the bread cautiously, while watching Gunther's movements. ''It's ok i got the bread yeserday, one of the bakers made it, i find the ingredients and he makes it for us, that's how we work''. ''We?'' she blurted. ''there are more people alive?'' ''Yes, of course, i move from place to place in search of things for all of us,we all pull together''. ''Where do you all live?'' she asked, she was suddenly begining to snap out of this daze that she had found herself in for so long. '' Not too far away, but you have to be very careful, the men at arms are always around and they have spies watching for them''. ''Is that the men with the guns and shooting that i sometimes hear?'' ''Yes, but it could also be some of our people firing back, there is nothing to stop us, law and order is gone''. ''But surely the men at arms keep law and order now?'' ''No, nobody knows their true allegiance. They operate for themselves and for the criminals who steal and stockpile money and anything else of value they can get their hands on. All we want to do is live in freedom and peace''. ''Then why dont you?'' ''One day we will, but until then we have to survive''. ''Come on, come with me if you want to live, we can go back to the others''. She followed him cautiously through the door, and out into the rubble filled street. |
||
|
Midnitesun
since 2001-05-18
Posts 28647Gaia |
They made their way carefully through the maze of abandoned and burned out buildings, stepping over and through debris of a bankrupt social order once referred to as civilization. It was incredibly sad and disheartening to think of all the millions who went up in smoke. Best not to think too long, or it might have a crippling effect on them both. Magda and Gunther were not inclined to carry on lengthy discussions while meandering through the maze of disheveled city streets, and kept all necessary dialougue to a whisper for fear of being caught by the men at arms. They rounded a corner and found themselves in front of a former neighborhood ma and pa market, a rarity in the waning days of 'the civilization.' A golden opportunity awaited, as the streets were barren of any visible signs of the new enemy. After looking all around, they carefully entered the darkened doorway. Magda could hear Gunther's heartbeat as they stepped inside, and was relieved she was not the only one who had a sharp sense of forboding and fear at what the future could bring. |
||
|
ThisDiamond Member Rara Avis
since 2002-02-22
Posts 9353Michigan, USA |
Night after day had chased it's tail, as the grumbling stomache directed one wary foot in front of the other. Hard to remember her own name, after so long in merky silence. Amanda! That was it...virtuous one, she mumbled her stricken throat to the withering trees. Over and over, until it became song. Time was the enemy now. How far away had she traveled from anything familiar? What did it matter anyway? There was nothingness, gray sticky air clung to her lungs as they fought a righteous fight. Amanda! The road had changed, causing her to stop and look around for some sign of humanity...or food. At least food! The sound of marching footsteps caused her blood to flow thickly in panic. She fled instinctively for cover, crashing through the doorway...and falling head long into the arms of another human being. Terror embellished her flushed face, creating acid rain that burnt her cheeks as she cried. Thanks for this opportunity. Cool idea! TD |
||
|
Midnitesun
since 2001-05-18
Posts 28647Gaia |
"SHH!" cried Magda, as she captured the falling Amanda. "Come in quickly, friend." And without any hesitation, Amanda moved forward into the darkened room, suddenly aware that another human was in there, besides the woman whose arms stopped her from falling headfirst on the floor in panic. She wasn't sure whether she had found safe refuge or some cold menacing trap, but felt compelled to follow this stranger's soft inviting command. |
||
|
ThisDiamond Member Rara Avis
since 2002-02-22
Posts 9353Michigan, USA |
Gunther reached out his mighty arms, pulling both of them into the shadows. On the heels of their stagnant footprints, an armor clad figure stood just seconds away, scanning the debris for signs of life. None came, and after what seemed an eternity, the figure moved off to join the sounds of marching feet, passing the refuge of these ill matched survivors. Magda was the first to break the silence. "Child," she whispered, "Where have you come from?" Amanda looked up through the dim lit room. "I came from the fire" she forced through her dry throat. "I came from the fire". Gunther felt the chill of her words shake him, as he reached out a hand to articulate what speech could not. |
||
|
Goldenrose Member Elite
since 2003-05-30
Posts 3665 |
''Your safe now'', he said trying to calm her fear. '' We must get back to the others, you can relax a little better once we are there, we have lookouts watching'' He said, stealing himself to get ready to go out into the street again. ''Come on now, be quiet and follow me, it's not far away, but be careful''. They crept out and made their way alongside the old riverbank. The water was black, but reflected the yellow clouds floating high above like a darkended mirror.Running across a fallen bridge clinging to the side of each bank, they made their way towards an old disused power station. Approaching the door of the station, Gunther tapped lightly and spoke ''amber7'', the door swung open and they were safely inside. [This message has been edited by Goldenrose (03-21-2006 07:46 PM).] |
||
|
Sunshine
Administrator
Member Empyrean
since 1999-06-25
Posts 63354Listening to every heart |
The white haired man spoke softly to Gunther. “You’ve brought guests.” “Yes, sire, I did. This,” he motioned toward the older woman, “is Magda. This child,” as he kept his arm around her, “is Amanda.” “Good, good. Bring them forward. We will feed them. Tell me, was there anything else you might have brought?” Gunther reached into his secret pockets, those that Magda hadn’t even realized he had in his clothing, and produced a small bag of rice, a few cans of tomato paste, and a few potatoes. He took from the grocery! Gunther looked over to Magda, and nodded his immediate understanding. “It is what we have to do. I would have left money, if I could. I have none.” Magda swallowed. Bending her head, she released from her own secret pockets even more rewards of a time ravaged; for she had truly believed she would not have been welcomed into the fold. [This message has been edited by Sunshine (03-21-2006 09:39 PM).] |
||
|
Magnus
since 2001-10-10
Posts 14135South Carolina, USA |
The crunch of gravel under worn leather boots was the only sound that could be heard other than the rolling tumbleweeds that snared the rusty barbed wire fence which showed the wear of fifty years of toils from some elderly farmer who walked with a stoop and spat part of his chaw at the horned toad that blinked a curious eye. His shadow against the setting sun gave away his presence. Dusting off a sweat covered hat, kicking a solitary cow chip and licking a dry lip, he walked quietly into the town that some called "Calamity"....and others called "Hell's True Kitchen". Looking around, he saw the occasional glimpse of a shy eye from behind the crack of a weathered, seared door. The blast scorched all of what stood, felling much of what had stood...And his ventures over the past weeks had confirmed that few remained in many parts of the vast wasteland that was once a thriving part of God's country. It would be some time before they knew this man, a long tall drink of sun scorched water...The Traveler was a quiet though wise man of a half century's years...with eyes that could pull a man's soul from within and cast it to the four winds of hell. |
||
|
ThisDiamond Member Rara Avis
since 2002-02-22
Posts 9353Michigan, USA |
Amanda and Magda sat quietly near Gunther, while they waited for the food to be readied. The smells that rose from the make shift kitchen, although bland, seemed more warming than the sun itself somehow. How long had it been since they had eaten warm food? Magda kept her thoughts to herself, stroking Amanda's hair absently. Gunther reached into his pocket again, and brought out a small paperback book. "This should distract us awhile," he said flatly, and began to read outloud the story of creation. Amanda moved closer, as if to touch the words as they left his lips. Gunther saw the look of hope fill her tired eyes, and in that moment, he felt that fullness consume his own heart as well. |
||
|
Midnitesun
since 2001-05-18
Posts 28647Gaia |
"In the beginning, when springtime skies were a brilliant cobalt blue, golden yellow sunflowers danced in gentle warm breezes that blew over the lands of The Civilization." Gunther could sense Amanda's muscles were relaxing, giving up the body's need to tense up with every gesture or word from another human. Trusting wasn't easy these days. But Amanda found herself releasing a mountain of fear as she listened to Gunther's warm hypnotic voice. Amanda had just come from a town called Calamity, where she had encountered a tall man who called himself The Traveler. He had told her she needed to keep moving, to be wary of strangers, to trust no one. But she was too young to be on her own, and was comforted by the warmth she felt from Gunther and Magda. Amanda desperately needed to trust, to have hope, to feel as if the world was not about to end. |
||
|
Magnus
since 2001-10-10
Posts 14135South Carolina, USA |
He could still smell the sweet aroma of her perfume. Could see those blue eyes, hair of a raven...lithe sensual figure. He also saw the fear in her eyes as he stared deep into her soul, finding hiding places that screamed with the need for release. Brushing her hair lightly, he stepped away, letting her dash out the door of the emptiness that was once a home, now a mere shell with little roof and rats that ran the rafters...even the rats feared The Traveler. A mystic figure in black that brought shivers to the spine...shivers deep into the earth to the bowels of hell. He grinned, knowing that the only one that could stand up to him in any sense would be Gunther. The Traveler did not fear him, but he did respect him for his prowess and wisdom. The one thing that he didn't know of Gunther was his abililty to read minds, even change thoughts...Time would tell if this would menace The Traveler. For his journey was far from over and many events lay ahead. |
||
|
Goldenrose Member Elite
since 2003-05-30
Posts 3665 |
''Some men at arms are approaching the bridge'' came the call high above thier heads. Gunther was soon on his feet, grabbing a machine gun he ran to higher ground and quickly fired towards the men at arms who were caught totally unawares. ''Thats it, eat quickly we must move now, they will send others to search for the dead men. We must go and find somwhere for the night until morning. Perhaps we can go the way Rick was intending to go? maybe meet up with him?'' For the first time Magda and Amanda saw a different side to Gunther, this was a fearless man with a iron will to live, he wouldnt stop and would do all he could to keep himself and the people with him alive. The traveller for the first time knew that he was up against it, Amanda looked at him with a hatred and distrust, just where did this shadowy figures true alegiance lie? Roger came down from the watchtower and grabbed some food, before following Gunther out of the steel door.Stopping they looked around, squinting for anyhting that might move. ''Right come on, there is an old factory close by, we'll check it out and see if we can stay there tonight''. They all filed out into the early evening air, moving in short bursts from cover to cover. To the North of them a helicopter hovered with a searchlight scanning the ground. Magda lead Amanda and thought about what could be happening to the people being chased by the helicopter behind them. This was no place to be, they had to get away from the city, breakout. Just then a blood curdling sound rang out in the darkness. A choking sound, rattling in the silence save from the mechanical sound ofthe helicopter. Up ahead Gunther and Roger were shining a torch, when Magda and Amanda reached where they were shining the torch, the traveller was laying dead, with blood oozing from his throat, eyes bulging with a cord around his neck. ''Whats going on?'' Magda hissed in a whispered voice. ''He was a traitor, only a few knew where we were, he was one of them, he would have given us away, look'' He shone the torch on a device with a flashing red light. ''Roger found another on one of the dead men at arms, they were tracking his signall, well not anymore they're not'' With that he threw both devises into the dark river, sound a splash in the silence. ''Now let us put some distnce behind us, while we still can'' Gunther said quietly before moving off. Arriving outside the factory they were soon inside and looking about for a safe place for the night. finding offices they decided to stay there. '' Gunther,there is power in here. We can use certain things for food etc.'' said Roger ''Allright, but be careful, no lights only flashlights, do we have any candles and oil lamps with us'' Gunther replied. ''Yes i have some here''. Said Roger tapping his knapsack. ''Use them then, but away from the windows''. At that moment a scream rang out around the factory that set a light under Gunthers shoes and sent him running gun in hand to where the scream had come from. |
||
|
Poet deVine
Administrator
Member Seraphic
since 1999-05-26
Posts 22612Hurricane Alley |
Gunther’s step slowed as he weaved cat-like between the huge factory machines. Sweat formed on his brow. His hand shook. “If they could see me now,” he thought of his fellow travelers, “they would know that I am no hero. I am just an ordinary man fighting to stay alive.” The darkness surrounded him. He used the flashlight sparingly not wanting to waste the batteries as he was uncertain when or if he’d find replacements. He stepped around a worktable and turned on the light. Nothing. He stood and listened. The scream, had it been one or two, had stopped. He listened. As he approached the back of the building, Gunther again paused. He thought he heard breathing, other than his own ragged breath. It seemed to come from his left, off in a far corner of the abandoned building. He turned, gun in one hand, flashlight in the other. Nearing the corner, he turned on the light briefly. A face! He gasped and nearly dropped the flashlight! It was a face, but a face unlike any he had seen before. “Please.” He heard a soft rasp. “Who are you?” Gunther asked. It sounded better than ‘what are you’ as that was what he wondered. “Please.” “Identify yourself.” “Please.” Came the whisper. Gunther stepped forward and again turned on the light. The face he saw was black and red, a round head that seemed flat on the top as though someone dropped an anvil on it. There was a small patch of red hair growing from the top of the head. The face was blackened by radiation poisoning. That the person was still alive was a miracle. As he stood over the survivor, Gunther lowered his gun. “Who are you?” he asked. “Please. Water.” The survivor begged. “I have none on me, but if you would follow me to the offices over there, we can get some.” “No. Cannot.” “Why?” Gunther asked. “I’m frightening.” “We are all frightened…” Gunther began. The voice interrupted him. “No, I am not frightened. I am frightening. Many run from me now. I used to be handsome and now I am a hideous.” A small scratching sound interrupted them as a rat, a big as a poodle, ran out and nipped at the survivor’s foot. He screamed. “Let’s get you out of here,” Gunther said. He held out his hand to help the survivor to his feet. The young man, it was clearly a young man as he stood next to Gunther, steadied himself slowly. He took a step and then dragged his other leg. Gunther looked down and saw that the survivor’s left foot was half gone. “Can you walk?” he asked. “I can sort of walk-hop. It’s not painful at all, I’ve gotten used to it.” Together they walked slowly to the offices where the others waited. Gunther wondered what his fellow travelers would think of their new friend. He also wondered how he could survive with this mishmash band of people. He sighed. He was no hero. A hero would collect an army, not a band of misfits. |
||
|
Goldenrose Member Elite
since 2003-05-30
Posts 3665 |
While he had breath in his body he resolved to carry on regardless. Now he had the problem of the new member of a growing band of misfits. ''Hey Gunther, i have found something you should see''. said Roger from over on the other side. he lead the new man toward the offices. ''Just wait out here and i will go and tell the others what to expect''. Gunther said. Entering the office and closing the door behind him he addressed them all. ''We have a new member of our growing number''. He began. ''But he is badly hurt, i dont know if he will survive, his injuries are very bad. We are not doctors, but i think we should help him the best we can. He is not a pretty sight, so please do all you can to make him feel welcome and try to fix him up best as you can''. He was looking directly at Magda when he said this. Ducking outside he beckoned the man towards him. ''Whats your name?''Asked Gunther '' Michael'' he replied. ''Everyone, this is Michael'', Gunther announced. He stepped into the room and they involentarily stepped a pace back. Then Magda stepped forward and began to help him into a chair. ''There is a first aid room next door, get me some bandage and lets get this foot seen to'' She looked at Gunther as she said this, and he knew deep down that she wouldnt let anyone down. Guther ran from the office toward Roger and finaly found him. ''Roger what is it?'' ''They have their own diesel here, a large tank that seems pretty full. I think we may be able to get the school bus we passed down the road near here to work, if we fill some canisters, enough to get it to here and then fill it up'' Said Roger. ''Fantastic Roger, but we have got to work out where we are going first. Fill some cansiters and get it here, but be careful. When you get back come to the offices, we will settle it once and for all where we are heading'' said gunther. |
||
|
fractal007 Senior Member
since 2000-06-01
Posts 1958 |
Post-Apocalyptic fiction? That's what this one says to me, and anyone who was here a few years back knows how much I love that genre. I liked this piece, but it has some places where it needs improvement. The story's length is lacking. This just isn't a piece that works as a short one. If it's meant to be a part of something longer I still think that you need to evoke your destroyed landscape more. You need to let the sense of complete and utter despair work its way through the bodies of your readers. We need to smell a stench of death here. Who is the man? Is he a free-thinker trying to escape the Orwellian thought police (I assume that your "men at arms" would well serve this role)? The woman is approaching, and I assume you use her as soemthing to create suspense in us. The image of blood red against the grey is a good one. Grammatically, the piece could use a bit of improvement: "Ducking into an old shell of a house, damp decay rose up to meet his entrance to a room that once echoed with family laughter." This sentence appears to say that the damp decay ducks into an old house and rises to meet the man. I'm assuming that the house is permeated with the damp decay. Is the damp decay an odour? Or is it an ambiance that needs to be fleshed out more? Apocalypse is a wonderful thing in fiction, but it needs to be evoked more powerfully. It needs to make us temporarily forget that we have a will to live. We need to be led to believe that everything -- EVERYTHING -- has been cleansed from the face of Earth. All that is left is humanity in its basest form. Any idiot can see that the result is true. |
||
|
CrAzI_bAbI_cHiKa Member
since 2003-07-16
Posts 248 |
Fractal, what is with you and length?...sorry if I'm coming off as mean, I'm honestly just wondering. Everyone else, Goldenrose, I like where this is going..keep it up! <3kerR When I'm good, I'm very good. But when I'm bad I'm better. |
||
|
fractal007 Senior Member
since 2000-06-01
Posts 1958 |
CBC (May I call you [the young lady who made the latest reply] that?): It is a growing concern of mine that the pieces being posts here are getting shorter and shorter so as to attract more readers who will feel they don't need to go through the chore of reading a longer piece. I'm saying this not because I'm preaching from a high horse but rather because I myself have been known to skip over many a long piece around here and then hate myself for it. Writing should be a labour of love, and reading should be a dialogue with the text. I'm not philosopher/literary critic/professor of english, but that (bad grammar, I know) is my two cents. Any idiot can see that the result is true. |
||
|
CrAzI_bAbI_cHiKa Member
since 2003-07-16
Posts 248 |
By all means, CBC works, or, of course, Keryn. I would reply to nearly anything actually, profanities most definitely included.  I agree with you actually, I would be more inclined to read a shorter piece. However, it completely depends on the piece it. If a longer piece draws me in, I see no reason to let it go to waste. I was just wondering myself, because you seemed to have a 'thing'(for lack of better terms) with holding length over authors' heads. The mystery of the piece is the grandeur sometimes, and simplicity is key to keeping mystery...sometimes. I don't really know what I'm talking about here, and Goldenrose, I apologize for hijacking your thread. With this, I hope to return it to you. <3kerR When I'm good, I'm very good. But when I'm bad I'm better. |
||
|
Midnitesun
since 2001-05-18
Posts 28647Gaia |
Hey, fractal why not jump in and add to the story rather than say it isn't long enough? It is an ongoing write, not a done-deal thing, and your own creative input would be greatly appreciated! you too cbc, the more varied the input, the more interesting. A composite write can go in many directions I'd never allow it to if it were just from my muse, or even Goldenrose's for that matter. I would have lots of trouble writing the dismal or grim hack and whack parts.  |
||
|
the_girl_next_door Senior Member
since 2006-02-26
Posts 591USA |
I often skip over longer pieces also, but I usually find myself coming back to them when I find the time. I really like what's happening here. I would love to see the rest of this story.  ~Heather Desire nothing except desirelessness. Hope for nothing except to rise above all hopes. |
||
|
|
⇧ top of page ⇧ |
|
| All times are ET (US). All dates are in Year-Month-Day format. | ||
