Begining to a story I am in the process of writing - is it compelling at all?

How to Join	Member's Area	Private Library	Search	Sanctuary		Login
Main Forums	Discussion	Tech Talk	Mature Content	Archives	A home without a wall, Our haven without ends, A circle we all call Our Family of Friends!

Passions in Prose

Begining to a story I am in the process of writing - is it compelling at all?

majnu

Senior Member

since 2002-10-13

Posts 1088
SF Bay Area

0 posted 2006-02-20 01:57 AM

Lila (working title)

The professor was not yet late, but the hour had rung, and the grace period was winding down. By unwise choice I was in the seat closest to the door, but the damnable arrangement of desks meant that I was actually blocking the path into the classroom from the door. After the first couple of people brushed by me, each one upsetting the book I was trying to read, I stopped following them with my eyes. That is until one walked by who smelled vaguely of berries. What perfume, lotion, or other vanity product it was I do not know, but the scent I did know, and will always know. This one I watched and as my eyes fixed on her my pulse accelerated to the point that I was sure the men on either side of me were wondering why I was excited. She was short, and slight, with rich brown hair falling low down her back, and her form was too familiar. I knew it could not be her; it was actually physically impossible - I knew where she was. Yet, my emotions were oblivious to anything but her form, which was so much like hers. I knew she would turn around, and then my heart would break the way it always did when a scent, or smile, or flash of hair, somewhere in my world, turned out to not be her. So I prayed to God, in that fraction of a second, that somehow either it would be her, or I would not be there; but the former was not true, and God knows the inner heart of a man, and so for my falseness and cowardice I was punished again.
The instant she turned I knew it was not her, and my pulse quickened and then collapsed as it does for only one other event. I exhaled and realized that I had been holding my breath for the last minute and a half - ninety seconds that felt far too long. I relaxed, but my eyes were watery and I looked down into my book on the off chance that I met someone’s gaze and was embarrassed. The trial over, I laughed at myself and thought: it is funny how the last time I saw her I begged God to make her turn around, and how since then, every time I see her, I beg God not to let her turn.

-majnu
--------------------------------------
Timid thoughts be not afraid. I am a Poet.

latteaddict213

Senior Member

since 2006-02-17

Posts 523
Colorado

1 posted 2006-02-20 09:29 PM

I like it. I think its a great begining of a story its very addicting making you want more. I would want to read more

	⇧ top of page ⇧
All times are ET (US). All dates are in Year-Month-Day format.