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Inconclusive.
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Inconclusive. |
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Allysa 
since 1999-11-09
Posts 1952In an upside-down garden 
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Sometimes, sometimes she wants to swerve her car into the other lane and pray that they don’t have the time to stop. She closes her eyes and she counts to ten and she tries to take a deep breath but she can’t. She just can’t seem to control her lungs. Her hands are on the steering wheel but she can’t feel anything and her knuckles are white from gripping the world so hard. And she starts remembering. All of those random things that she fought so hard to forget. He made her a mix CD, she listened to it at night when she went home and in the morning she woke up to the song that she had fallen in love with from the radio. She almost had a heart attack, lying there, the blankets balled up between her legs, thinking to herself he remembered, he cared when in fact, it was all just stupid thoughts in the first place. And the CD, it’s broken now, far too scratched and worn, covered in candle wax and incapable of playing music that would remind her that, sometime, she thought someone cared about her. She was wrong. She knew she was wrong but she wanted so badly just to believe in something, someone Everyone needs something to believe in. She keeps remembering him, she forgets the first kiss, but she knows she was outside, it was cold, her hands were in her pockets because she didn’t know where to put them. His hands were Strategically positioned on her waist and she Can remember where his fingertips left impressions, why they felt so good to her. No one ever felt so good. And she got caught up in the hallelujahs, the secret thoughts that This is what I’ve always wanted She lost her breath somewhere between hello and goodbye, couldn’t find it until she slid the key into the lock of her apartment. She didn’t want to open the door, didn’t want to go back because, well, because Things had to be different They just had to be different Something had changed and she couldn’t make sense of it. She refused to believe that she was exactly how she’d always been, forgetting people existed, forgetting the important things, like always lock the door behind you. Like never let anyone love you because you’ll just get hurt. Like don’t drink coffee too close to bedtime, you’ll never get any sleep. Like common sense and truth, and everything that she could never understand. It disappeared. And the world is starting to make less sense, and she’s starting to wonder where everything went. Where the memories went, and why she can’t seem to make sense of anything, how nothing seems to fit together and everything is Awkward Standing in the open doorway, she reaches her hands into her pocket, her fingers fumble over her keys, into the foreign objects, something unusually familiar, his half empty pack of cigarettes and she’s leaning against the doorframe, lighting a cigarette even though she doesn’t smoke, figuring she might as well try it, after all they were in her pocket, and besides, they remind her of, well, they remind her of Him. She’s holding the lit cigarette in her hand, watching the smoke trail off of the end, watching the way everything just seems to vaporize and disappear, and she forgets some more. She forgets the way she used to just sit sometimes and let the hours pass. And in the end, the minutes weren’t missed, she had no recollection of this waste of time, she just seemed to vanish into thin air and thoughts and nothing. And she walks it all over in her mind, the path from her car to her door, from the door to the couch in the living room by the coffee table littered with Chinese carryout containers and pizza boxes, from the couch to the kitchen with the table pile of newspapers from so many years ago that she just keeps forgetting to throw away. She leaves the door partly open and sits on the stairs, staring into the headlights from passing cars on the street, wondering Do they have someone who loves them? Or are they as miserable as I am. |
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| © Copyright 2006 Allysa - All Rights Reserved | |||
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Katerie Member
since 2006-01-27
Posts 92Central New York |
Passionate, witty. Nice job. Like a ship blown from it's mooringby a wind off the sea- I have been changed for good. |
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nakdthoughts Member Laureate
since 2000-10-29
Posts 19200Between the Lines |
Oh My, Allysa...this grabs...because I know this feeling. Good job. M |
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Sunshine
Administrator
Member Empyrean
since 1999-06-25
Posts 63354Listening to every heart |
Awkward Standing in the open doorway, she reaches her hands into her pocket, her fingers fumble over her keys, into the foreign objects, something unusually familiar, his half empty pack of cigarettes and she’s leaning against the doorframe, lighting a cigarette even though she doesn’t smoke, figuring she might as well try it, after all they were in her pocket, and besides, they remind her of, well, they remind her of Him. ~*~ Allysa.... you have examined your writing and improved it in so many ways. It has always been good. But to me, this one drew out those very imaginings I have thought, felt, wondered about. THIS...is the start of something good. Like a novel. Start it, from here. With warm regards at a talented writer, K |
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Allysa
since 1999-11-09
Posts 1952In an upside-down garden |
Thanks guys. You all make me smile. <3 |
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Free_Spirit07 Member
since 2006-01-29
Posts 222The middle of my mind! |
I like this its very good  be looking out for more  x0x0 Free_Spirit07 fear and tears....STOP rounda bout here! |
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