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Alone Time
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Alone Time |
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Mysteria 
since 2001-03-07
Posts 18328British Columbia, Canada 
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 (1,501 words) It seemed like it was the very first time I was really looking at her. I finally got it, and understood that having children so late in life was indeed a very hard job. Wasn’t it Oprah who said that mothers had the hardest job on earth? Tracy’s children were all adorable, normal, healthy, extremely active, just trying to grow up in a world that spun way too fast for my liking. I seemed to have forgotten the one thing that factored into the equation; she was growing older along with them. No one had given her those old-fashioned lessons on time management, recipe shortcuts, or the little tricks that can extend 24 hours into 36, and she could barely find one hour for herself, or so it seemed. I was so sure she had some type of problem, and I swear I was really trying to understand it. Trying not to judge her was hard, and every suggestion I made seemed to go in one ear and out the other. When I went over I always tended to put on that dreaded hat of mine, “Charles In Charge,” and got that house so ship-shape in record time, at least until the next time. Every family has a “Charles In Charge.” You know, the one relative who hangs their squeegee in the shower, and tells every guest who ever visits it’s there to use right? They know they better damn well use it too. Finally after years of this, the day came that I just simply gave up. I swore I wouldn’t pick up another dishcloth, mop, or piece of kid’s clothing ever again, and announced my intentions, to an audience who really didn’t care. Why should they? Now, I have to admit, I do bend that rule on occasion. I would always go home thinking the same thought, “What on earth does she do all day?” There she was, up there on that hill living in a castle, surrounded by piles of this and that in every direction, and laundry reaching to the ceiling most days, along with dishes, pots and pans. I think the clincher was all those top of the line appliances all covered in yesterday’s jam, fingerprints, and boiled over pot “stuff” that simply drove me insane! There was this dishwasher always full waiting to be unloaded and refilled, and not one system, or routine in place that I could see to cover all the daily chores. Heck, I had always had my chores listed and under a magnet on the fridge, and ticked them off one by one in pride, until one day I removed the list as it was permanently imprinted on my brain. Still, this was a good mother and wife. I saw that in her smile, and the laughter and smiles of her children, and husband. Her disposition and loving ways, her caring and patience rubbed off on everyone she ever touched, including me. Tracy even called the grocery store clerk, or the hairdresser, “angel.” Everyone it seemed was an angel to Tracy. I finally just chalked everything that bugged me to her just being lazy, not caring, or having strange priorities, but always thought it was such a shame to have such a messy yet beautiful home. Well, after a little of my famous self-analysis, I came to the conclusion maybe it was because I never had that big fancy house on the hill like theirs, and just maybe there was some envy there, but most certainly a mother’s protectiveness to her son’s working so hard to achieve all of it maybe? I clean up there for him I think more than anything else, but then growing up I had always cleaned up after them all. I had lived mostly in apartments in the 60’s and 70’s, and I used to be able to juggle a career, keep a clean home, iron all the clothes by hand, attend any and all school activities, or social functions with my nails done, and every hair in place. Yes I was a 60’s Super Mom, and to this day wear the handle of a “Martha Stewart” clone. Why on earth in 10 times the space could this woman not do the same thing I wondered? I had no car so I walked my kids to school, attended every sports activity, took them to church, and still found the time to bathe them, read to them, and put them to bed every night. When the babysitter arrived, my husband and I stayed out until after midnight, only to repeat this the next day sometimes. A couple of husbands later, I finally had a home, and it was so shiny and sparkling, but you guessed it, the marriage was dull, tarnished, and worn. In Tracy’s daily life, she drove the kids in a brand new SUV with a tv in the back no less, and had the rest of the day to herself! It didn’t add up, and I simply turned this situation somehow into “my problem.” That was the first mistake right there, it was none of my darn business. It wasn’t until I fell the other night trying to skate for the first time after 30 years of not being what everyone figured was a future “star for Ice Capades,” did I realized the difference. I should perhaps fall on my ass more often.  I was 19 when raising my children, and she started her family at 40! I found myself now at age 60, with a mind still stuck in 40, okay maybe even 30, and my body was not in the same space. It was in that instant I got it and understood the severity of her situation. Finally! Oh, and in case you were wondering? My bruises seem to now be healing quite nicely.I took a further look on this great epiphany and at her “normal” day, which was spent mostly in her car. From 7:30 a.m. there was breakfast, getting kids ready, taking one to pre-school, one to regular school, picking them up at different times, daily lessons for this and that and of course both at different times, and then return trips. Two days a week there was that dreaded “car-pool” and the SUV from hell! In-between all this there she was going to buy groceries at different stores with an envelope of coupons, as she faithfully watched sales in flyers bless her heart. Of course before she left she had to remember to let out the dog, feed the cats, put out the water bottles for pickup, the re-cycling, garbage, and somewhere in there simply grasping at even one word of adult conversation in the hustle of her day. She had always had trouble inventing meals, so instant meals became the norm, and I swear in her prayers, she must bless Tim Horton’s. It used to be my son cooked, as he is a great cook, but work life has demanded more of his time, so now this was her duty too! After dinner, homework, bath-time, story-time, bedtime. Then she would find that book of hers she's been trying to finish for months, try reading until her eyes were almost shut then say, “Well I have to go to bed, so g’night everyone,” and usually not long after the kids either. I know I muttered a “harrumph” many a time, which I am now so sorry for. All this time I figured she needed B-12 shots, or she was simply lazy or not trained in organizational skills, when all she needed was simply a bit of alone time to get her breath. Dr. Phil even told me that, and I didn’t get it then, but I sure do now. They didn’t care about the disorganization, why the heck did I? My lord, they had been together over 15 years without one single cross word between them. They were all so happy, well adjusted and I finally realized that is all that mattered, and clearly this was my problem – not theirs! Well as a start, I offered to watch the kids while they go away to Vegas, and plan to do this more often, not just a date night, but entire weekends away. I won’t ever demonstrate my cleaning skill again to make her feel inadequate or judged, and that is a promise! What I will do is thank God for giving me a daughter-in-law that through all these years has loved me in spite of how I did judge her, and I openly do admit I did. I always loved her but damn I did judge her and wish I could take that back now, but can’t so tomorrow is a new day. I know one thing; I won’t ever try to spin on that ice again at my age, and just maybe those grandkids will hold my hand if I ask them nicely. I can’t wait to show and express my change in thinking by somehow giving this wonderful woman some “alone time.” Carpe' Diem |
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Enchantress Member Empyrean
since 2001-08-14
Posts 35113Canada eh. |
Sharon, I do believe we all know someone like Tracy. I know I sure do, and more than one! But, you know, it is so true the different way children are raised nowaday. Bringing up children and being 'Molly Homemaker' was the way to be in the 60's when you and I raised our children. We all wanted to be like Betty Crocker or Beaver Cleaver's mom. Alone time...even now with the kids grown and gone with children of their own, I feel I need alone time. A time just to 'be me'. Excellent write here Sharon. I was nodding with understanding all the way through, and if this is a true story..bless you for helping Tracy out!! Heart Hugs, Nancy Lee |
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Mysteria
since 2001-03-07
Posts 18328British Columbia, Canada |
You know NL the other night at skating, every single mother there, was rushing, unkempt, and notably in a flap and short on patience. Times have changed and in my opinion not for the better one bit! They have too much, do too much, and don't get to enjoy singularly the things they should. Everything is going too fast, there's too much pier pressure, competition "between mothers" and they don't even take time to enjoy all that is there for them to take in and savor. It's truly sad you know that? In this instance this story is written for every single stay-at-home mother, as I had NO idea what a tight ship they now run until I got into that van one day, and went the "usual" route with my daughter-in-love. I wouldn't want to do any of it, not one thing, and actually prefer walking  If I had my bit of advice that would ever be taken seriously by today's parents, I would say throw all those toys, and video games but a few favorites. Limit t.v. time and increase reading time. Take those poor kids out of all those lessons, except perhaps one, and go walking and talking with them and spend quality time, now that works! Get inside and stay inside their head, until they can run it themselves. Amen! As for Alone time? Me? That is all I have, and I love it, and let people in when "I feel like letting them in." I learned years ago where my boundaries were, and how to simply say, "no!" LOL, it works and they forgive you too. |
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Larry C
since 2001-09-10
Posts 10286United States |
Dang it, I'll come back when I have some time. You aren't getting away that easy.  If tears could build a stairway and memories a lane, |
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Trillium
since 2001-03-09
Posts 12098Idaho, USA |
Sharon: I enjoyed your write so much! It made me smile, because I can see that the situation is mostly reversed with me and my daughter-in-law. She is Miss Neatness and Cleaness and I am one who would let the dishes sit on the table if I saw wildlife outside I wanted to observe, like a moose in the wetlands behind us. All it takes for me to drop everything and run outside, although I do remember to turn off the stove if I'm cooking. Sometimes my son and I are gone for a couple of hours. It's all waiting when we get back! Of course, I do get the occasional lecture about "first things first" from my dear daugher-in-law, but somehow going for a walk to find the first signs of spring, seems more important to me than bleaching the kitchen sink! Or going out to take pictures of a perfect winter day with ice crystals sparkling everywhere! I can see that most people think I have my priorities in the wrong place, but I think I am getting more out of life than they are! We all get fed and I do get the laundry done on an almost daily basis, but I am having some fun along the way. I used to be different, when I was younger, and housework came before "people work" but after having a handicapped child forty-one years ago, I decided I'd rather see the world through his eyes for whatever time we have! Betty Lou Betty Lou Hebert |
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latearrival Member Ascendant
since 2003-03-21
Posts 5499Florida |
Mysteria, Very good. Should be published in a good magazine so many more can read it.I really enjoyed it. martyjo |
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Mysteria
since 2001-03-07
Posts 18328British Columbia, Canada |
Betty Lou, some can actually do both It is easy for some to get the work done inside the house and still have tons of time left for allthe world has to offer. I can sure appreciate if having to make a choice between soap suds, or snowflakes, I would be right behind you out that door. Thanks again folks for reading. |
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Kit McCallum
Administrator
Member Laureate
since 2000-04-30
Posts 14774Ontario, Canada |
An excellent write Sharon. Epiphanies are wonderful moments, aren't they? All those misunderstood years come clear in an instant, and somehow all becomes well with the world. Small or big, these moments of clarity and realization mark the growth in each of us - the ability to see through our experience and wisdom, even what we, ourselves, have missed for quite some time. Growing older, growing wiser, and leaving the dishes in the sink. Erma Bombeck would be proud of this piece, my friend. I know I am. Well done! |
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Sunshine
Administrator
Member Empyrean
since 1999-06-25
Posts 63354Listening to every heart |
Your daughter-in-love has been blessed by your epiphany... . |
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Mysteria
since 2001-03-07
Posts 18328British Columbia, Canada |
Well now we shall put this prose into practice ... this weekend I am on my own with the two little "darlings," the cats, the dog, and Stuart Little the hamster.  Wish me luck! |
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