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The Mumbai Chronicles (title temporary)
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The Mumbai Chronicles (title temporary) |
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Sudhir Iyer Member Ascendant
since 2000-04-26
Posts 6943Mumbai, India : now in Belgium 
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Kindness poured out from his heart like blood from split finger on a May afternoon under cloudless Mumbai skies. The one-legged man was crawling by the footpath pleading for a helping coin of any currency. Many brushed past him caught by tidal waves of their tour of duty, their busy nine to five jobs. After all, who has the time to waste on an already wasted cripple. Yet, there was him. The ‘why am I doing this?’ thoughts didn’t arrive even when they came close enough to his space. They came by, but didn’t register on the appointment diary in his mind. The kind man was Sikander. Sikander was a great warrior-leader. He ruled the seven seas and beyond. Yet, he was humbled by an equal leader oozing with self-respect. This was a different Sikander though. Not broad shouldered was he, yet he could carry the weight of his world. Employed at a local bank, he was merely a solicitor for credit card services. A door-to-door salesman, he was with the presence of mind to look at every step for an opportunity to create business. Yet, there he stood. Not perplexed, but considerate. Very. He couldn’t imagiine the plight of a fellow-being. That fellow-being. “Mujhe madat karo. Help me please.” The one-legged man implored and Sikander obliged. He lent him his shoulder, not letting the slightest bit of hesitation overtake him, while the grimy unwashed hand of the one-legged man created a Rembrandt on his brand new shirt. His wife had gifted him that shirt on his twenty-fifth birthday which came three days after he got his new job to sell credit card services. That was yesterday. His sweet wife had been sweeter than ever. She was proud. She effused and shone resplendently with the knowledge that her handsome husband had a new job that offered him wages twice as much as he used to receive and he had progressed from being a mere bank clerk to being a proper executive salesman. That is the best employed person in the cooperative society of ten buildings. She could now keep her head high and say to Kamla, the evil neighbour, “You know what my hubby does now. He is an 'exsee-cute-ive' salesman and he is very cute. He earns five thousand more than your man does and he brings home all the money as well.” --- maybe this will be continued ... and perhaps it will be here... let me know what you think of this, so far and POINT out all mistakes. PLEASE  |
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miscellanea Member Elite
since 2004-06-24
Posts 4060OH |
Sudhir, I thought this was a fascinating piece of writing because it dealt with human nature so well! I thought it perfect until you asked for constructive criticism at which time I scoured through it to find something to improve. Take this for what it's worth. As you can tell by my writing, I have not mastered the art form, but perhaps, I can share an area that caused me to re-read it for further clarification. At one point in your story, I thought your main character was traveling with someone or a couple of people. You used the word, "they". Later on in the story, it made me think he was traveling alone when he came across the stranger. I placed brackets around the part that was an tad bit confusing. ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ After all, who has the time to waste on an already wasted cripple. (?) Yet, there was him. The ‘why am I doing this?’ thoughts didn’t arrive {{even when they came close enough to his space.}} They came by, but didn’t register on the appointment diary in his mind. The kind man was Sikander. By all means, continue! Thank you for posting your compelling story. miscellanea |
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Sudhir Iyer Member Ascendant
since 2000-04-26
Posts 6943Mumbai, India : now in Belgium |
Firstly, thanks for coming by... As for your points... very valid... I wrote the above in one breath (in a manner of speaking... and did not edit it...) the 'they' were the "why am I doing this?" thoughts ... In fact, I shall edit the text above and repost it soon... hopefully with the next part... thanks once again, regards sudhir |
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