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Detestable Words (the dialogue challenge)
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Detestable Words (the dialogue challenge) |
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serenity blaze Member Empyrean
since 2000-02-02
Posts 27738
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"Mrs. Carter, if you would, the doctor would like to see you in his office today." "I can see ya'll are busy, but did you run out of examination tables?" "No ma'am, I'm afraid that's not the case." "Oh drat. Then I suppose I'll be keeping my panties on?" "Please, Mrs. Carter, the doctor is waiting for you." * * * "Hello, Doc Ben Johnson!" "Hi Gloria. Have a seat." "So how am I doing today?" "I'm just going to be direct, Glo." "What's the matter? Did your watch come up missing? Bill said he heard ticking last night." "Gloria, please." "I'll bet it's a Timex, you know what they say, it takes a licking and keeps--" "Gloria, hon, please stop. The results from your MRI came in. I'm afraid I have some bad news. Would you like a cup of water, maybe a soda?" "If you think I need a glass of water, I'd like a valium too. And make the water scotch." "That can be arranged you know." "Just tell me for God's sake." "We discovered a growth on your right ovary. It's difficult to ascertain how long it's been there, but from the size of it--it's slightly larger than a bird's egg--it has to have been there for at least six months." "No. You are wrong. That just can't be. I feel fine." "There is no mistake, Gloria. We'll need to run some more tests, but from the looks of it, the growth is malignant. I'm afraid we'll have to perform a radical hysterectomy as soon as we possibly can." "But-b-b-but we were planning for kids, Ben. You know that Bill and I had planned this, as soon as the business took off, we were going to--OH, say this isn't happening, tell me I'm dreaming?" "Gloria, I am so sorry. Normally I wouldn't offer to do this, but since we're old friends, please let me call Bill for you." "Bill? Oh dear God, how can I do this to him?" "Gloria, honey, I will be here for both of you, through every course of chemo." "CHEMO? Chemo? OH. Oh dear God, chemotherapy!" "We'll need to run some tests first, to determine how far it's spread before we can proceed to--" "Cancer? I have CANCER?" "I am so sorry it had to be me to tell you, Gloria. I'm truly sorry." "But Ben, this doesn't happen to us. This doesn't...happen...to us. Does Bill know?" "Honey, you are in shock. Let me call Bill to come get you." "Please, oh please...I need my husband." "Sssssssssshhh, now. We'll get him here for you." "Cancer. Chemo. Oh Ben, why? Why me?" |
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Sunshine
Administrator
Member Empyrean
since 1999-06-25
Posts 63354Listening to every heart |
One of the things I appreciate about the use of italics is because they can either portray a word as "stressed" or as a "thought". Caps generally imply a scream or yell. Generally in books one won't see anything in Bold, other than the word "Chapter" and number. I am enjoying reading these dialogue prose challenges. |
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serenity blaze Member Empyrean
since 2000-02-02
Posts 27738 |
Fortunately for me, should the occasion ever arise, I won't be in charge of printing.  If I could, I'd hire an editor right now.But yep, just how and when to use emphasis is next up on my list for migraine. I was telling Jan (which may end up being the title of my next novel attempt) that I am certain that I have been focused on writing poetry because I am lazy.  (All this persnickety punctuation and complete sentences! *shudders and winks*) Also, I think I tell a story differently when I write specifically for the forums. I've a tendency to write shorter sentences, as well as paragraphs, in a bolder style in order to accomodate the pace of what is often time-limited and shorter attention spans. I've already broken myself of writing straight to keys though. I'm still working on the rest. Thanks Kari, for taking the time to read a very dark piece, because as I attempt to employ different devices, I am also experimenting with tone. Thanks for reading.  I was and remain a bit nervous about this one, as I realize it's an uncomfortable topic. |
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Poet deVine
Administrator
Member Seraphic
since 1999-05-26
Posts 22612Hurricane Alley |
Great job. I think the dialogue sounds real, not forced. AND we can tell who the characters are and a lot about them by their conversation here. Well done!!  |
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serenity blaze Member Empyrean
since 2000-02-02
Posts 27738 |
Thanks Shar...I'm still toying with different styles and tones, so thanks for all of ya'll being patient with me while I test the waters a bit. (I'm still considering the diner challenge too. OH. And part II of Matters of Perspective. OH. And my fish challenge. *giggle* and then there was another story in the paper today...  )This is fun. Thanks for letting me play. |
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littlewing Member Rara Avis
since 2003-03-02
Posts 9655New York |
You know, this was absolutely flawless. And I could not stop reading. This brought the fear into me that it sure can happen to us . . . beautiful job, K. You didn't miss a beat. |
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Janet Marie Member Laureate
since 2000-01-22
Posts 18554 |
""I was telling Jan (which may end up being the title of my next novel attempt)"" lmao...  ""that I am certain that I have been focused on writing poetry because I am lazy."" ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ um dear...you have been focused on poetry because its in your blood...cadence is carved into your soul...yaya and if your poetry is "lazy" then I want to be the laziest moth in the world.. yayaya now that i got that outta me system..Im gonna read the prose... yaya........ ok....... Im back..  I think what I like most about this is the infusion of humor in the beginning and the relaxed familiarity you created between them. and as others mentioned you had great flow...typed it looked "long" but it didnt read long.... all dialogue writing leaves little room for details of the characters--scene setting and imagery which is what I love most about your prose...still you created a senerio we could see in our minds. So, hows that fish muse doing? one drop, an ocean ... one seed, the forest ... one leaf, the wind ... |
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Susan Caldwell Member Rara Avis
since 2002-12-27
Posts 8348Florida |
I love it when I disappear for a bit and come back and find my Karen. (let me have my fantasy, would ya?) This was a hard one for me... Keep writing Karen. Please. It's less of a world without your words. "too bad ignorance isn't painful" |
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Sunshine
Administrator
Member Empyrean
since 1999-06-25
Posts 63354Listening to every heart |
I have this odd habit of coming back to read the responses... Yes, it is a hard subject. I lost Mom this way, to Cancer. Probably why I went and saw Wit. It's a subject I hate. It's a subject I will keep reading about. Your handling of it was keen, and true. And sounded familiar to my heart. |
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