Miscee's Experiment-a different genre--I'm stuck...Any suggestions?

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miscellanea
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since 2004-06-24

Posts 4060
OH

0 posted 2005-03-04 01:06 PM

(I've got an idea in the back of my head for a longer story, but I don't know how to get to that point. I've never written anything with length, so all this is new to me.  In the first few paragraphs, I just wanted to develop a little mood and character development for something that I'll fast forward to later.  I really don't want to delve into a romance, but my main character needs to have established one in her past.  Can I gracefully switch to narrative using no dialogue to speed things up?

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

    "Twenty-six dollars and forty-seven cents spent, and only three-quarters beyond empty!  Not even a full tank!"

    Remembering her mother’s spiel about gas rationing, she reluctantly filled her gas tank on that single digit day.   Even though the sun had been shining, her stinging fingers were sewn to icy nozzle, soon to be ripped apart from the biting steel, agreeing with her that the sun’s welcome was pure gest.

    "Three-quarters full!"

     That would mean another hassle during the week, filling the royal beast in the dastardly cold weather (that is, if she decided to stick around...)  As she pulled away from the station, the clerk’s attitude began to dig at her.  In spite she practically had  fanned her bills in his face, he had been so spellbound to his phone conversation he was oblivious to the world around him.   Then, for almost a breath, her smile unfurled from lips to cheek. But just as sudden and unexpectedly, a cloud of reality slipped upon her, again, cursing any thought of gladness. With a quick toss of her head, out she walked.   Margo left the station fuming as she pulled onto the turnpike.

    “Fairytales!   Where do they get you?  Pumping gas?  Or, if you’re really fortunate, in a glass palace with Jaguars and Mercedes parked at your feet!”

    She didn't travel far along the rolling hills until she noticed the arrow on her gas gage had gained a quarter of a tank.

    "Isn't that the way life is--hills and valleys! Should have figured the darned arrow was all an illusion!"  Her mind wandered to an older arrow, one now stealing away life's vigor and fuel.

   "It's all about balance...I have no balance," she thought.  "I have no balance..."

   Thirty years earlier,she had met Schuyler at the Ivy League, a small, but classy bar in Youngberry.  It really was unlike her to frequent bars, but her friend, Becah, had convinced her they needed a night out, just to get away from the political undercurrents at work.   Past chess sets and Bat gammon boards, they walked to a hall leading to the small but comfortable room in back where a classical guitarist exercised agile fingers.

   Before Margo had time to imbibe the setting, a young man in an opened neck, black shirt  appeared, “Would you like a drink, Miss?”

    “Sure, I guess…”

     Before Margo could answer, Becah sensed her nervousness, adding
    “Two whiskey sours, please…”

     Within a few minutes, two glasses were placed upon cocktail napkins.   With sophistication and hesitation, Margo took a slight sip.

     “Ummmm…Think about what I’ve missed all these years!  This is luscious!”

      She tasted her surroundings,  from the sweet sour beverage to the musician’s dotting of simple words and phrases where others would not have thought to place them.   His music, original.  It’s rhythm slowing, divine and sensual.  Her mood, set.

      “Hello, do you mind if I join you lovely ladies?”

[This message has been edited by miscellanea (03-06-2005 07:13 PM).]

Poet deVine

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Member Seraphic

since 1999-05-26

Posts 22612
Hurricane Alley

1 posted 2005-03-04 03:12 PM

You encourage constructive critiques so here goes.

If you're going to write a romanace, you should read one or two of them. They are basically the same plot. Boy meets girl or girl meets boy. Boy loses girl. Boy gains girl. It's the meat in the middle that makes a romantic story.

From what you've written so far, this is either a period piece or a futuristic piece (judged on the fact of gas being rationed). Is that what you're aiming for?

miscellanea
Member Elite

since 2004-06-24

Posts 4060
OH

2 posted 2005-03-04 03:24 PM

Eventually, a conflict will arise between the girl's humble background and a socially elite husband.  The story will not center around their romance, but more about varying lifestyles and goals.   I'm trying to fill in the unknown blanks of a lady who parked her Mercedes near a bridge several months ago.  I saw her walking...called the police, but it was too late.  (Of course, my lady is fictitious.)  I want to write something that can help me understand reasons she may have done what she did.  I pass the bridge daily; each time I think about her...

   Thanks for your advice about reading romances before writing.  I've read a couple, but they just don't appeal to me.  Even so, I can't imagine being able to write about her conflicts later on, if at one time she hadn't had a romance.

littlewing
Member Rara Avis

since 2003-03-02

Posts 9655
New York

3 posted 2005-03-04 10:19 PM

I am by far no critic, but it seems to me that you have two different stories going on here and need to meld them together.

Popping right into the romantic history seems abrupt after the first couple of paragraphs.

Good job though, I commend you, I am horrible at writing dialogue or even fiction.

miscellanea
Member Elite

since 2004-06-24

Posts 4060
OH

4 posted 2005-03-04 10:37 PM

Littlewing,
   Thanks for your helpful comments.  I see what you mean.  I have reason for some of what I'm doing, but you're right, the transition is bad.  I just don't do romance!

Also, I think I need to try changing verb tenses and such.  It needs a lot of work!  The more I read it, the more I think this needs to be scrapped.  It's just not me... but I don't know what is me!

thanks again for your feedback.  It has helped me put things more into perspective.

          cathy

littlewing
Member Rara Avis

since 2003-03-02

Posts 9655
New York

5 posted 2005-03-05 09:40 AM

Hey Cathy,

trust me, I just wrote my first fiction worth reading in here so like I said, I am no critic, never will be. Don't so much scrap it, but save it, forget about it, go back to it and it's going to look different to you then.

I am proud of you for writing.

nakdthoughts
Member Laureate

since 2000-10-29

Posts 19200
Between the Lines

6 posted 2005-03-05 09:56 AM

there could be many reasons why she did what she did...

I can understand ( and sympathisize) with many of them

the world is filled with pain and suffering and sometimes it it just too overwhelming...

I bet you could go to a hospital ward and talk to some patients or interview some pyschiatrists and you will begin to understand...even if you don't agree with their reasonings (obviously they aren't thinking rationally) how sometimes the help isn't there, or there is too much denial...or the signs aren't clear enough.

or tomorrow just seems not worth living

M

Sunshine

Administrator

Member Empyrean

since 1999-06-25

Posts 63354
Listening to every heart

7 posted 2005-03-06 08:12 AM

Use your spell checker, break the speaking lines away from the paragraphs that set the stage, and tell us what happened next!

Ringo

Member Elite

since 2003-02-20

Posts 3684
Saluting with misty eyes

8 posted 2005-03-06 09:55 AM

Ther are three viewpoints used in any writing: The First Person (I did this or that), Third Person (He/She/It did this or the other), and Omniscient where one sees ALL of the action involved. Most of the best writers use a combination of all three... many times in the same story. The only mistake (according to one book I read) is that most people "tell" rather than "show".
Writing that John hates visiting him mother in the nursing home is not as effective as using dialogue and actions to show the reader what he is thinking, and why he is thinking it.
Of course, you don't want the reader to get bogged down in too many details.

I read your post, and actually like it a decent bit. Listen to the other critiques you got, and read a few books on writing prose, and you will do a great job.

In the wooden chair
Beside my window
I wear a face born in the falling rain

miscellanea
Member Elite

since 2004-06-24

Posts 4060
OH

9 posted 2005-03-06 07:12 PM

little wing, nakdthoughts, Sunshine, and Ringo,

   Just wanted to thank you for your feedback.  I recently revised and edited, using your advice... Probably could use some more, but I think I'll call this quits for now...

  Thanks again.

          ~cathy

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