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Revelation (Continuation of "Not today")
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Revelation (Continuation of "Not today") |
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LoveBug
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Member Elite
since 2000-01-08
Posts 4697
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Sorry for the length, but I hope you enjoy. More to come  ----------- The inside of our freezer looks like a vegetarian’s nightmare. Huge steaks, packages of hamburger, and chicken strips all lay there in their final resting places. I take two T-bones and throw them on the grill, after covering them with Larry’s favorite seasoning. I look at the clock.. I have about an hour before Larry gets home. I’ll let those cook and make a salad and baked potatoes closer to time. Maybe I should call Sarah. I haven’t talked to her in years, not since our huge fight. It was the day we both walked across the stage as university graduates, both with honors. That was the night I told her that Larry and I were going to be married. “I cannot believe it!” she said. “Why not? We’ve been together for awhile, and we really love each other” “But he’s so controlling! I see how he bosses you, and it’s just going to get worse” “It’s not his fault, Sarah. If I was better, he wouldn’t have to tell me what to do. I’ll learn soon.” “Oh my God... I can’t believe you’re talking like this. Look at you! You just got a university degree. You’re still wearing your robe, but you’d think you were living in a trailer park somewhere, right out of high school, not knowing any better but to think that.” “Look Sarah, I didn’t tell you this so you could insult me. I thought you’d be happy that I found someone good to marry” “But he’s NOT good at all, Holly. I love you, you’re like my sister, and thats why I’m going to refuse to see you again if you marry that awful man.” And I walked out. And now, I’m thinking she’s right. I still have the number she gave me before graduation, but I’m sure she’s moved on by now. Still, there’s no reason not to try. I glance at the clock.. I still have about 45 minutes before Larry comes home. Even so, I sneak to the bedroom, as if Larry is waiting for be around every corner. I haven’t opened this address book in years.. I’m a horrible housekeeper, this thing is covered in dust! I see her number and dial the phone. Why are my fingers trembling? “Young residence” “Sarah, is that you?” “This is Sarah Young, who is speaking?” “This is Holly, do you remember me” “Holly! Oh my God! I couldn’t recognize your voice... God, I’ve missed you. How are you doing? Why are you calling?” “Well”, I say, with a chuckle, “you don’t waste any time... I’m thinking of leaving” “Oh thank God! I’m still here in Langsville, teaching high school. I got married last year... I didn’t know where you were, but I wanted you to come. John and I though, we’ll take you in for as long as you need to stay. I’m so glad you’re leaving that...” “Wait!” I cry. Suddenly, I feel so unsure. “I didn’t say I was, I just said I’m thinking about it. I don’t know if I should” I hear Sarah sigh. I’ve disappointed her... “Well, how have things been? Where are you?” “I’m in Shelbytown now, working at a medium sized firm. I really enjoy my job, and my colleagues respect me a lot.” “What about friends, though? What about your home life?” “Well... I don’t know. I just hang out at home a lot.. But Larry, he’s sort of demanding” “I’m sure it’s more than that, Holly. Come on, you can tell me” “Well... it’s just that I always have to do what he says... but I still don’t really know, Sarah. I still feel like it’s all my fault.” “Of course you do, hon. He’s making you think that way, but it’s not true.” I hear a car door slam outside. Damnit, he must have got home early. “Sarah, I have to go, but I’ll call back soon, I promise” “Damnit Holly, is it so bad that he won’t let you talk to me?” “I just.. I have to go” “Listen, I’ll bet you just do everything his way. Try doing something you want, and see what he does. Then you’ll see” “Take care, Sarah” “Bye hon, please call soon” I hang up quickly and get to the kitchen as Larry opens the door. “You just walked in here? Where were you? Where’s dinner?” “It’s good to see you, hon. I’m sorry, I was in the bathroom. You got home a bit early so dinner will be just a few more minutes. Let me put some potatoes on, the steaks are just about done.” I turn to the fridge to get out some potatoes, and hear a loud crash behind me. I jump and turn to see Larry has thrown his lunch tin against the wall. “Damnit, woman! Is it too much to ask to have dinner ready when I get home?” “No, it’s not. I’m sorry, Larry. You were here early, but I should have been more prepared.” Larry shakes his head and walks into the living room. I bend over to pick up the mess Larry made, and I see how hard I’m shaking. What kind of life is this? I quickly finish the dinner and set the table. Larry comes in and kisses me on the forehead. Maybe he’ll apologize, saying he had a hard day. Maybe he’ll say I’m not a bad cook, I’m not a bad wife. He sits down and begins to eat his steak. He says nothing about it tasting bad. That’s a really good sign! He didn’t say anything good, but he didn’t say anything bad. Maybe he won’t mind if I don’t eat my steak tonight. I'll do something like this, and he'll be ok, and I'll tell Sarah he's not so bad after all. I eat my potato and some salad, and then Larry speaks. “Why aren’t you eating your steak?” “Oh, I don’t feel like it tonight, honey. Do you want it?” Larry’s once calm demenor changes in front of my eyes. He is instantly angry. “What, Holly? Are you too good to eat a simple meal like this?” his tone is acidic. “Of course not, I’m just not hungry. Actually, I don’t feel well at all. I’m going to the bathroom.” I’m starting to get afraid. Larry stands up and comes toward me. I know he’s going to hit me, but instead, he puts his arms on my shoulders and pushes down hard. “You’re hurting me!” “Shut up! Just shut up! I’m your husband! I don’t care where you went to school or where you work, you belong to me! You listen to me, damnit, and you’ll eat what I say. You’re going to eat your steak right now!” I feel his arms on me. I remember the first time he put his arms around me. It was our third date, and he took me to see the university ballet troope do The Nutcracker. I remember how bored he looked, but then he turned his attention to me. He put his arms around me afterwards, and we had our first kiss. Then, he was strong, but so tender. But now... “Eat your damn steak!” I begin to get angry. I think of all the years I’ve submitted to him, let him tell me what I should do. I may have made mistakes, but I don’t deserve this. I sit and do nothing. I feel free... how easy it is to be free, I think, all I have to do is what I want. Just do what I want.. So easy.. Larry is annoyed at my delay, so he takes matters into his own hands. He cuts off a piece of the greasy meat and sticks it in my mouth. I try to resist, but he grabs my mouth and makes me swallow bite after bite. When the steak is gone, he says “You are mine. You listen to me.” And he lets me go. I run into the bathroom, and only then do I let myself cry. What have I become? I’m nothing.. He’s right, I’m nothing but his wife... No. No, I’m not. I’m more. I’m a person, and I deserve to do what I want, when I want. I am smart and I have feelings that deserve to be respected. I stick my finger down my throat, and as I vomit, I think of myself purging myself of my weakness and fear. When I am done, I know that I will still be afraid, but I will know who I am inside. He cannot destroy me anymore. He cannot make me take the dirty things he tries to feed into my mouth, into my mind, into my soul. I have won this fight. The war is just beginning, I know... but now I know that I deserve to win. Oh, make me Thine forever And should I fainting be Lord, let me never ever Outlive my love for Thee |
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| © Copyright 2005 Erica N. - All Rights Reserved | |||
Larry C
since 2001-09-10
Posts 10286United States |
The paradox of a victory that sounds like another battle only beginning! It is still excellent writing just very uncomfortable for me. I grew up in such a happy home and have such little use for men who control others but not themselves.  If tears could build a stairway and memories a lane, I'd walk right up to heaven and bring you home again. |
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littlewing Member Rara Avis
since 2003-03-02
Posts 9655New York |
Erica, what an outstanding ending . . . you pulled it all together right there . . . although I cannot empathize with that treatment, I have witnessed it and I do hope she sticks to her beliefs. *smile* |
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