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Opitions |
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jwesley Member Rara Avis
since 2000-04-30
Posts 7563Spring, Texas 
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Options (c) w. james beard, jr. january 2004 Days spent tied to the bed in terminal illness sparks, among other things, suicidal tendencies. You wish you were dead, though dying really isn’t an option – life is the only alternative, at least you think it is until the pain relentlessly tears through to your soul and though the tears you ask God – “Why? What did I ever do to you?” Answers never come. Just the nurse in response to your crushing the call button. A needle prick, and like magic the pain ebbs . . . fifteen seconds, sixteen, seventeen . . . oh, it’s almost orgasmic it feels so good the way the pain flows away. You feel it getting weaker and weaker until it’s just a tiny spot deep inside, lingering – gone. “Sorry God,” you contritely whisper, “I know it’s not your fault.” Or is it, you wonder. Is this part of His grand plan for the perfect soul you’re supposed to become? Did you step on his toes in a past life and He’s making you pay in this one? Is this cancer gnawing away at your insides, His way of telling you you screwed up? Nah, that can’t be true. He’s a loving God, and loving God’s don’t torture their creations. Still, when the ugly maw of the beast inside starts chewing away again, and the pain is a living entity ripping you apart, you question everything – even Him – and you blame everything on – particularly Him – because it’s all you’ve got to hold on to until the medicine dulls the teeth of the beast and let’s you breathe again – Him, who’s going to be standing there, waiting, when the ultimate pain killer takes affect and you look down on the shell of yourself lying motionless, dead. Your only wish is that you could have told them all goodbye. Those beside your bed, crying. That you could have hugged them all one more time. That you could have lived one more day. Then the pain bolts through your body again and you realize that you were only asleep. “Oh God, oh God,” you cry from deep in your soul as you crush the call button again, realizing your wish has been granted. You’re gonna live another day. ~ ~ ~ |
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| © Copyright 2004 Wesley James Beard, Jr. - All Rights Reserved | |||
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Dusk Treader
Moderator
Senior Member
since 1999-06-18
Posts 1187St. Paul, MN |
A rather dark and haunting piece you've written here. The pain of the mortally ill is evident here, along with an anger that is at least understandable. It caused me to think of what I would do if every conscious moment was an agony and dreams could not save me from its taloned hand. Excellent piece of writing here. It caused me to think and that's always a good result. "Knowledge is far superior to Belief, for Belief is the way of the uniformed." - Scott Cunningham |
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