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Ok, some more of
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Ok, some more of |
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WildPoet Member
since 2003-11-10
Posts 205California |
Abraham sat on the edge of his bed with his arm around his german shephard. "It's not fair, Moses!" The boy complained." It's my meteor!" The dog wagged his tail in sympathy. A determined look came over the five year olds face. He got off the bed, slipped into his boots, threw on his jacket and after telling Moses to stay, climbed out the window. III Jonathon William Bates. CEO of Batesware Inc. Old friends with heads of states and captains of Industry. Grandson of Gill Bates and heir to the largest personal fortune in the known universe, sat on the fountain steps trying to scrape goat dung off his handmade Coochi shoes. "Damn goats [edit] glue around here!" Jon growled, dropping his shoes on the steps. He stood up in his silk socks and stretched slowly, looking around for a hotel. Strange that there wasn't anyone around. It was still early. He almost jumped out of his skin, when a voice suddenly came from behind him! "You want to step away from that little metal suitcase, mister?" Joshua asked, watching the man spasm in surprise. Joshua cocked the colt forty-five and kept it aimed at the man. Stepping from the shadows, he advanced on the stranger cautiously. He watched as the man dropped the case and walked backwards eight paces. "Now lay face down with your arms and legs stretched out!" Joshua ordered. Joshua saw the man look at the wet ground and grimace. "You can't be serious! People have been dumping water here! I'm surrounded by mud!" exclaimed the stranger. " Get down and shut up!" Joshua commanded, trying not to laugh. This wasn't supposed to be amusing, but the look on the mans face really got to him! The man started kneeling down gingerly, then said " To hell with it!" and plopped forward in the mud and lay still. Controlling a smile, Joshua, inspected the silver case. All it had on it was a handle and a small flat, red rectangle. So Joshua touched the red rectangle and the case opened with a hissing sigh. Inside there was a thermos of water, a first aid kit, food rations, a compact fishing kit and an odd looking gun that seemed to be made of porcelain. Closing the case, Joshua turned his full attention back to the stranger. " Allright." Joshua said. What's your story? Who you are and why are you here?" " I'm Jon Bates...." the man said pausing to wait for a reaction. Getting no look of recognition, he continued,"I'm CEO of Batesware Inc.!" Still nothing. Sighing the stranger went on, " I was going out to the companies' new frontier mining interests, when we were ambushed by space pirates or something. I got to an escape pod and launched from the ship. The computer on board the pod picked this planet! I had nothing to do with coming here! I'm just looking for a hotel to wait for my rescue ship to come!" The man stopped talking and waited. Joshua thought, if this was true, this Jon Bates CEO wasn't going to like what Joshua was going to do next! " Well, get up, Jon Bates. I've got some first class accommodations for you!" Joshua said. He kept the gun on Jon and he directed him toward the town jail. Abe had been hiding in the small alley between the butcher shop and the bakery. He saw and heard the whole thing. He hadn't seen the man coming to town and his father hadn't said anything about him. So his meteorite was really a space ship! This was even better than a rock from the stars! Space ships were only in his daydreams before tonight, but now.....he just had to see that ship! Abe made his way out of the village sneaking from tree to tree. He was so excited he had to stop to pee. As he was relieving himself, Abe suddenly felt hot breath on his butt and then something licked his right butt cheek! Abe jumped, letting out a surprised yell and got some pee on his boots! Turning and trying to button up his pants at the same time, he saw Moses standing behind him with a silly dog grin on his face. "Well, if you're coming along let's get going then." he said to the dog,"But no barking, Moses, this is a secret mission!" Abe figured it took about fifteen minutes to reach the ship. He stood there amazed, that he was actually seeing a space ship! Abe watched Moses nosing around the egg shaped ship and noticed that part of the ship moved like a hatch when Moses nudged it. Lifting the door open, Abe stared in wonder at all the unfamiliar computer equipment and the black chair in the middle of it all. Abe was almost knocked over when Moses jump into the craft! " Hey! Get out of there Moses!" Abe yelled, trying to grab the dog, as he did, he lost his balance and tumbled into the ship with the hatch falling hard and clicking shut! [This message has been edited by Ringo (12-28-2003 04:49 PM).] |
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Ringo 
since 2003-02-20
Posts 3684Saluting with misty eyes |
This is a really decent write. I don't often find prose entries that I really enjoy, however, this has proven to be the exception. I did make one SMALL change, though... The guidelines for posting do state that using astericks in place of swearing is the same as swearing... That small edit now makes this 23 karat gold instead of 24... Keep writing,and we'll definately keep reading. Cause in my dreams it's always there |
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WildPoet Member
since 2003-11-10
Posts 205California |
Thanks Ringo! I was editing the next part to post here, when I reached a section that I would have to completely cut or redo. So I have given up trying to edit and I'm moving the story to mature forum. I would still like everyones opinions on the piece, otherwise how will I know, as a novice writer, if I'm actually writing something thats readable or just taking up space. Thanks again, WildPoet  |
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Ringo
since 2003-02-20
Posts 3684Saluting with misty eyes |
Whether you are writing your first poem or story, or you are Walt Whitman or John Steinbeck, anything you write is worth reading... Yes, it is possible to make it a little better... even JD Salinger re-wrote parts of his stories numerous times... Whatever it is you have to write, we want to read... and what I ahve seen so far is pretty decent. Cause in my dreams it's always there |
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WildPoet Member
since 2003-11-10
Posts 205California |
Thank you Ringo! Thats encouraging. I think I'll go get my Steinbeck books out! WildPoet |
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