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MsSouthernOrchid
Member
since 2003-07-12
Posts 192


0 posted 2003-10-20 05:55 PM


I would like some input on this one. I am new at this, just dabbling in writing short stories.I have tried my hand at poetry, but my poetry skills leave a lot to be desired as yet.LOL  Maybe I can do better in the short story dept.

              Life Goes On

" How did we ever get to this point?" Laura wondered aloud, as she gazed out over the water. She breathed in deeply. A breeze was blowing up now, cooling the air which had been so stifling hot just an hour ago. " I love this place so," she thought silently, tears forming in her eyes. This tiny island off Florida had been her home since she was a young girl, her parents having settled here some forty years ago after moving from North Carolina. They were both gone now, buried in the small family cemetery plot not far from the main house. " Oh mother, how I wish you were here now to help me!" She cried out loud, with only the air to hear. Sobbing uncontrollably, she let the tears have their way for a while, until finally, she felt all cried out.
     Just this morning, Edward, her husband of ten years, had told her about the move to Boston. " Laura, the company wants me there to operate the new store and I accepted." he'd said. Yes, accepted without consulting me or even asking me how I felt, she'd thought.
" Edward!" She had exclaimed out of shock. " This is our home! Both of our parents are buried here. We have the house, the shop, our friends," her voice trailed off. " How can we just leave everything we've worked for, everything we've known?" Edward had whirled around to stare at her with that look he always got on his face when there was no arguing with him. It was going to be his way, no matter what she said or felt. Edward was a stubborn man, used to getting his own way. She was used to giving in to him too, mostly just to keep peace in the house. Edward had stomped angrily towards the door and opening it, he'd stopped and turned to look at her again."Although I prefer that you go with me, I am going to Boston with or without you. You have until tonight to make up your mind." With that said, he'd walked out, slamming the door behind him.
    Now here she was, standing here on the beach alone, her mind so filled with confusion. She glanced down the beach as a pelican dived down to scoop a fish up out of the water. "Lots of pelicans out here today," she thought. She had always loved pelicans, considering them such odd looking creatures. There were a lot of pelicans on the island, as well as seagulls and other tropical birds. The island was home to a great veriety of wildlife, living freely out here, safely tucked away from the Florida mainland. The only way on and off the island was by ferry, a fact that always made Laura feel safer somehow. She loved the old fashioned ferry, and felt that it just added to the charm of this small island. The tourists loved it also, and flocked to the island during the tourist season. They mostly came over during the day, swimming, fishing, shelling and sunning on the beautiful beach, then took the ferry back to the mainland each evening, The island did have two nice motels for anyone who wanted to stay over night on the island, rather than making the trip back and forth each day. She and Edward had run a small shell shop out of the front of their house for the past six years now. The shop had done surprisingly well. She managed it while Edward went to work on the mainland each day. The tourists loved to take home lots of shells when their vacations were over, and what they couldn't find on the beach, they bought from the shop. A lot of their customers were repeats, coming back year after year. The island was a special place, drawing people back time and again.
" How can I leave here?" She moaned. Things had not been good between her and Edward for a long time now anyway. Not since the affair. He'd had an affair two years ago with his secretery. His secretery, for God's sake! Not very original of him, she'd thought at the time. It was almost laughable now, but at the time she was devastated. Edward had confessed over dinner one night. According to him, he'd had the affair, it was over, and life goes on. Just like that, life just goes on. No true remorse. She had changed though. She had lost something for Edward that night and she had never found it again.
Still, she had just accepted things the way they were since that night because, after all, at least they were still together. Maybe if they had been able to have children, their lives would have grown closer instead of farther apart. She remembered when the doctor told them there would likely never be any children. That was the one thing in their lives that Edward could not blame on her. He could not father children and he refused to even discuss adoption. She had resigned herself to the fact that she would never be a mother. Another concession. She was always making concessions. Suddenly, the anger overwhelmed her. " Not this time!" She cried out loud, her voice echoing down the silent beach.The anger caused her clinched fingers to leave nail markes in the palms of her hands." No more!" Turning, she hurried back up to the house.
     Laura was standing at the kitchen sink gazing out the window when Edward came home that afternoon. The sun was already going down and shadows were beginning to form out in the yard. " The sunsets are so beautiful here," she thought to herself, as she watched the colors reflecting on the water. Edward sat down in his favorite chair and stared at her, waiting for her to speak, to acknowledge his presence. For just a second, she felt sadness for him, but the feeling quickly faded as the anger returned. Without looking at him, she spoke," I am staying here Edward. I have decided not to go with you." The silence was deafening. She turned to look at his stunned face. He was starring at her, disbelief etched on his face. " Laura, you can't possibly be serious?" He spoke softly, but his tone told her he knew she meant it." Laura, if I have to leave here without you, I won't be coming back, I swear!" He hissed through clinched teeth, waiting for a reaction from her. " I know Edward," she spoke gently, staring directly into his eyes," In fact, I am counting on it." With that said, she walked silently to the front door, donned a light sweater, and opened the door. She turned and spoke again," Edward, I am going fore a walk on the beach. I will return in a couple of hours and I expect you and your belongings to be gone by then." With that, she walked out and closed the door behind her.
     Walking down towards the beach, she noticed that the air smelled even fresher than usual tonight. Stopping, she breathed deeply, letting the salty air fill her lungs. The sound of the waves was soothing and comforting. "You are right Edward, life does go on," she murmered softly to herself. Smiling contentedly, she walked down onto the beach.
        

[This message has been edited by MsSouthernOrchid (10-20-2003 05:57 PM).]

© Copyright 2003 MsSouthernOrchid(Mary) - All Rights Reserved
merc
Junior Member
since 2003-10-15
Posts 35

1 posted 2003-10-20 08:59 PM


Hi Orchid,


  First off I'd like to say that I enjoyed your story.  I like the title, mainly because you wove it well into your story.  Title, I find, is something that is rarely paid enough attention to.  I'm glad to say that is not the case here.
  I didn't notice any really major flaws, the narrator seems consistent.  The language is reasonably good, not much for grammatical errors that I could find. The one glaring exception being that speech should start a new paragraph.

ie.

"Edward!" She had exclaimed out of shock.
"This is our home! Both of our parents are buried here.  We have the house, the shop, our friends," her voice trailed off.
"How can we just leave everything we've worked for, everything we've known?"  Edward had whirled around to stare at her with that look he always got on his face when there was no arguing with him.  It was going to be his way, no matter what she said or felt.  Edward was a stubborn man.....he['d] stopped and turned to look at her again.
"Although I prefer that you go with me, I am going to boston...."

Also, when your writing someones thoughts a single ' denotes it well enough and keeps it seperate from speech, which uses ".
  One point I would make for your future writing, or revision of this piece, is to spend a little more time on description.  The main character in this story obviously loves her home so much that she is unwilling to give it up.  I get the Idea that this is an incredibly beautiful place, and I want to see it.  Reaching the stories conclusion without a glimpse into what this place might be like was a bit of a let down for me.

There are a few spelling errors but nothing major, I won't go that far into detail.

I think you have a good strength to your writing, though uncultivated.  Your speech is natural and you don't exhibit any of the major flaws (that I still catch myself doing) that beginner fiction usually contains, which is good.

I would love to see a revision of this with more description put in and with the language cleaned up a bit, try and cut out as much filler as you can from your language.  It makes the events much more concise and I find my work always has a stronger effect when it isn't convoluted by unnecessary language.

read the paragraph above for examples of long winded filler language.

Good work,
merc

[This message has been edited by merc (10-20-2003 09:11 PM).]

MsSouthernOrchid
Member
since 2003-07-12
Posts 192

2 posted 2003-10-20 11:02 PM


Hi Merc,
   Thanks for the kind words about my story. I did find a couple words spelled wrong and corrected those. Hope I did not miss any? You gave me some good pointers and I have changed the story just a bit, adding a few discriptive lines here and there. I think this is better. I will have to work on removing the excess filler part, as soon as I can understand what that is exactly. LOL Anyway, thanks much for the pointers and I believe your suggestions helped to improve the story a lot. So, here is the newest version.
                                                           Life Goes On

" How did we ever get to this point?" Laura wondered aloud, as she gazed out over the water. She breathed in deeply. A breeze was blowing up now, cooling the air which had been so stifling hot just an hour ago. " I love this place so," she thought silently, tears forming in her eyes. This tiny island off Florida had been her home since she was a young girl, her parents having settled here some forty years ago after moving from North Carolina. They were both gone now, buried in the small family cemetery plot not far from the main house. " Oh mother, how I wish you were here now to help me!" She cried out loud, with only the air to hear. Sobbing uncontrollably, she let the tears have their way for a while, until finally, she felt all cried out.
     Just this morning, Edward, her husband of ten years, had told her about the move to Boston. " Laura, the company wants me there to operate the new store and I accepted." he'd said. Yes, accepted without consulting me or even asking me how I felt, she'd thought.
   " Edward! " She had exclaimed out of shock. " This is our home! Our parents are buried here. We have the house, the shop, our friends," her voice trailed off. " How can we just leave everything we've worked for, everything we've known?" Edward had whirled around to stare at her with that look he always got on his face when there was no arguing with him. It was going to be his way, no matter what she said . Edward was a stubborn man, used to getting his own way. She was used to giving in to him too, mostly just to keep peace in the house. Edward had stomped angrily towards the door and opening it, he'd stopped and turned to look at her again."Although I prefer that you go with me, I am going to Boston with or without you. You have until tonight to make up your mind." With that said, he'd walked out, slamming the door behind him.
    Now here she was, standing here on the beach alone, her mind so filled with confusion. She glanced down the beach as a pelican dived down to scoop a fish up out of the water. 'Lots of pelicans out here today,' she thought. She had always loved pelicans, considering them such odd looking creatures. There were a lot of pelicans on the island, as well as seagulls and other tropical birds. The island had a wildlife refuge, a large sanctuary which was home to a great veriety of wildlife, living freely out here, safely tucked away from the Florida mainland. The only way on and off the island was by ferry, a fact that always made Laura feel safer somehow. She loved the old fashioned ferry, and felt that it just added to the charm of this small island. There was such beauty here. White sandy beaches and clear sparkling waters for swimming. The main shopping area consisted of one main street doted with small restaurants and shops. The street was lined with beautiful Australian pines and tall graceful palms, intermingled with hibiscus plants covered with colorful flowers most of the year. The tourists loved it also, and flocked to the island during the tourist season. They mostly came over during the day, swimming, fishing, shelling and sunning on the beautiful beach, then took the ferry back to the mainland each evening, The island did have two nice motels for anyone who wanted to stay over night on the island, rather than making the trip back and forth each day. She and Edward had run a small shell shop out of the front of their house for the past six years now. The shop had done surprisingly well. She managed it while Edward went to work on the mainland each day. The tourists loved to take home lots of shells when their vacations were over, and what they couldn't find on the beach, they bought from the shop. A lot of their customers were repeats, coming back year after year. The island was a special place, drawing people back time and again.
    " How can I leave here?" She moaned softly. Things had not been good between her and Edward for a long time now anyway. Not since the affair. He'd had an affair two years ago with his secretery. His secretery, for God's sake! Not very original of him, she'd thought at the time. It was almost laughable now, but at the time she was devastated. Edward had confessed over dinner one night. According to him, he'd had the affair, it was over, and life goes on. Just like that, life just goes on. No true remorse. She had changed though. She had lost something for Edward that night and she had never found it again.
Still, she had just accepted things the way they were since that night because, after all, at least they were still together. Maybe if they had been able to have children, their lives would have grown closer instead of farther apart. She remembered when the doctor told them there would likely never be any children. That was the one thing in their lives that Edward could not blame on her. He could not father children and he refused to even discuss adoption. She had resigned herself to the fact that she would never be a mother. Another concession. She was always making concessions. Suddenly, the anger overwhelmed her. " Not this time!" She cried out loudly, her voice echoing down the silent beach.The anger caused her clinched fingers to leave nail markes in the palms of her hands." No more!" Turning, she hurried back up to the house.
     Laura was standing at the kitchen sink gazing out the window when Edward came home that afternoon. The sun was already going down and shadows were beginning to form out in the yard. ' The sunsets are so beautiful here,' she thought to herself, as she watched the colors reflecting on the water. Edward sat down in his favorite chair and stared at her, waiting for her to speak, to acknowledge his presence. For just a second, she felt sadness for him, but the feeling quickly faded as the anger returned. Without looking at him, she spoke," I am staying here Edward. I have decided not to go with you." The silence was deafening. She turned to look at his stunned face. He was starring at her, disbelief etched on his face. " Laura, you can't possibly be serious?" He spoke softly, but his tone told her he knew she meant it." Laura, if I have to leave here without you, I won't be coming back, I swear!" He hissed through clinched teeth, waiting for a reaction from her. " I know Edward," she spoke gently, staring directly into his eyes," In fact, I am counting on it." With that said, she walked silently to the front door, donned a light sweater, and opened the door. She turned and spoke again," Edward, I am going for a walk on the beach. I will return in a couple of hours and I expect you and your belongings to be gone by then." With that, she walked out and closed the door behind her.
     Walking down towards the beach, she noticed that the air smelled even fresher than usual tonight. Stopping, she breathed deeply, letting the salty air fill her lungs. The sound of the waves was soothing and comforting. "You are right Edward, life does go on," she murmered softly to herself. Smiling contentedly, she walked down onto the beach.
        



                

[This message has been edited by MsSouthernOrchid (10-20-2003 11:10 PM).]

merlynh
Member
since 1999-09-26
Posts 411
deer park, wa
3 posted 2003-10-24 06:03 PM


After reading what you post three times, and reading your reply with the changes two times, I would say it is a large improvement over the first.

I still strongly think that you ought to consider publishing some of your work from what I have read.

The fourth paragraph, first sentence reads:

"Now here she was, standing here on the beach alone, her mind so filled with confusion."

Maybe it would be more understood as:

She found herself standing on the beach, alone, her mind completely fill with confusion.  

Or:

Standing on the beach, she felt lost, her mind filled with confusion.

Or: Now I'm thinking too much

She found herself looking from behind her eyes staring out into space, a pillar on the beach.

Truthfully the story is quite good.  Now  spending so much time thinking about how the whole thing was wrote, I think prehaps the sentence isn't so bad.  It's just the, "Now her she was, standing here on the beach alone," the wording is odd.  I sence the break your trying to do here, and it fits into the telling. Prehaps you even meant to say "standing there on the beach alone" instead of, "standing here on the beach alone."

I enjoy reading your writing. You have a lot of natural talent, by your rewrite you also have learned skill also.  I look forward to reading more of your posts.

Any comments I made are only suggestions, all writers have to learn how to edit most of their work if they want to express themselves accurately.   I read published matterial daily that doesn't hold a candle to your pose.

MsSouthernOrchid
Member
since 2003-07-12
Posts 192

4 posted 2003-10-24 08:57 PM


Hi again Merlynh,
     After reading it over a couple of times, the wording in that one sentence seems wrong to me also. I will have to correct that. Thanks for bringing it to my attention. Also, thanks for the glowing words about the story. It gives me confidence to keep on writing.

Sunshine
Administrator
Member Empyrean
since 1999-06-25
Posts 63354
Listening to every heart
5 posted 2003-10-25 08:53 AM


Good morning.  I enjoyed the read. When you give us a new offering on your next write, to ahead and give a line break between your paragraphs as well.  It's easier on the eyes.

It also helps each paragraph to stand out on its own.

I am currently working on a novel, so am interested in following your prose and story lines, mainly to see what suggestions are offered up, as I see myself doing a few of the things you are doing, initially, and would like to catch any hints that I can.

Now, I'm on to your next treat!

MsSouthernOrchid
Member
since 2003-07-12
Posts 192

6 posted 2003-10-26 07:35 AM


Sunshine,
   Thanks for your input on this story also. I will definitely remember to give a line break between paragraphs in my next short story. I do have an idea for another story line, but have yet to actually start writing it. Soon though, I hope.
  

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