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jeffwillett
Member
since 2003-01-04
Posts 86
Texas, US

0 posted 2003-09-28 12:02 PM


i told you jordan, i told you she wasn't just hanging out with you to hand out with me, i told you she felt bad, and i told you she just wanted to be your friend again...but what do i know, i also told you i loved you, and that i'm done, sometimes i am, usually i am, right not i'm not, when...no, that's what you want to do, or who or why, how should i know, what should i know, we've all seen what i know, what i think about is a  farely physical manifestation now a days i guess, it's no wonder no one thinks i can do it, it's no wonder i don't think i can do it, and it's probably no wonder i'm not going to do it, you think everything you know makes some iota of  sense and then can prove you wrong, but what do i know, i'll tell you what i know, i know i'm a guy who cares, and that was my first mistake, my second was trying enough to know i don't have to get handsy, to know that things have a natural course, that you don't have to rush that course, but what does that get me, not you, not her, [Edited by Administrator], not even as backwards smile or a sideways complement, it just goes from a heart of gold into rust, a soft touch to a slap in the face, but, twelve years wasn't enough i guess, and i would have done it too, had i not cared, had i not had some small source of a pulse, of a heart, but who wants someone who cares, don't say you do, i've seen who you swoom over, there's one thing they swoom over, and yeah, maybe i drank all night, and yeah, maybe i went home and drank some more, and sure, i said i wouldn't do that anymore, but four months was long enough right, and like i also said, my thoughts obviously manifest themselves into some form of physical drunken stumble, or robotardation, or stoned nap, or a football game where the sky is on fire and the players aren't even touching the field, it's always some kind of reality other than the one i should be a partner with, the one that will always stab me in the back, but always with a rubber knife, and never with full force, as if to say, , so here i go again, quitting, a few houndered tries behind, 103rd times a charm, right, that's my attempt at humor, guess it didn't work, no one's laughing, not aloud at least, not at that, in a celestial sense there should at least be a chuckle in the background, the background, mine though, not at the words, to say they're visible that is, not even close, more like at the speaking, the speaker, me, a chucker, or a hiss, at me, but that's not the point of this matter, what is is lost, that's (of course) assuming it was ever found, so i'll block my shot once more, with a shot, or a bottle, a powder and a chase, possibly solid this time, next time, maybe the 3rd will be different, but the 4th will be waiting, the very next day, it sits there waiting, and it pounces, one day of sobriety leads to a sneak attack, until the next time, after all, after all the attacks, after all of the attacks you'd think i wouldn't be able to call them any longer, but even if i see them a mile away, which i do, they hit like way wall, a proverbial wall, because as we all know, except me, walls are always seen but when hit, they are rarely prepared for, so in that case, i suppose calling it a sneak attack is now justified, but that's what i do, or try to do, justify, i try to justify my incorrect, no, incoherent behaviors, with a metaphor, and it works, i feel good, i feel rectified until the next slump, until the next time the down hits, then i move the down up, to higher ground, but it always gets washed away by the ebbing waters of failure, for some reason they smell and taste stagnent, but if they're ebbing that's imposible, not to mention i haven't died from tasting the stagnation, is that even a word, well if our 4 year hero can use words he makes up, then who can say that i'm wrong, certainly not you, well, that's something i should apologize for actually, that could be considered a direct attack, when, in fact, it's not, it's a broad statement that happens to specify the direction it's going in, sorry, copious amounts of thc , alcohol , and dxm tend to mix badly, so when i ramble, and make excuses for my rambling, chalk it up to my, once again, physical manifestations of the deepest, most private thoughts, no longer private, because i wear them on my back, kind of like a monkey, in the shape of a heart, not even a monkey anymore, and actual heart, not the human heart though, just the shape, and what it means, which weighs a hell of alot more now-a-days, it weighs even more than it did between febuary 28th and whatever midweek day that was, i can't figure out why, you would think a heart filled with love on one's back would weigh more than one no longer filled with anything ever could, scratch that, filled with empty promises, the lies of forever, or at least long, and memories, but what weighs the most is the almost instant maturity you seemed to gain, like i was some kind of stepping stone, something you just did, something you had to do in order to grow up, move on, learn, live, one day die, not to be remembered but never really able to be forgotten, for very visible reasons, but, that's what hurt the most, what weighs the most so to say, it's like trying to open a book for four months and when the time comes to put it back on the shelf it opens it's damn self, here i go again, justifying my feelings into some proverbial metaphor, never punctual, not this morning, wow, evening i should say, wow, yeah, it's getting in the way, in the way of my schedual, and in the way of time, how can that be, well, i don't know, that's the scary part, how can you get in the way of something that never stops, just ticks, moves, flows, ebbs, you name it, it goes, you can't get in it's way, well, i can, i do, that's scary, the fetal position comes to mind right about now, maybe the weight is heavier because of the fact that someone used it, to step up, not a bad thing, has to be done, i had one like that once, backwards though, i still got the [Edited by Administrator] end of the deal, but hey, i've never been big one sugar coating anyways, causes tooth decay, another sour attempt, , spin it anyway you'd like, it's round, when it stops, it's the same as when it started, ever exchange four letter words, seems like all my luck comes in fours, 1f2u3c4k, four months, thursday, fourth day, hmmm, don't look into that, ah [Edited by Administrator] it, if i hit the send button would you hold it against me?

[This message has been edited by Sunshine (09-28-2003 12:14 PM).]

© Copyright 2003 Jeff L Willett - All Rights Reserved
Sunshine
Administrator
Member Empyrean
since 1999-06-25
Posts 63354
Listening to every heart
1 posted 2003-09-28 12:16 PM


Hi, Jeff.  Your prose piece would probably be received better if you could break it out into paragraphs.  Also, please take a moment to review guidelines about profanity.  If you then want to edit this post accordingly, and need help, let me know.  Thanks!
jeffwillett
Member
since 2003-01-04
Posts 86
Texas, US
2 posted 2003-09-28 12:38 PM


sorry, this was all stream of conscience.  a spur of the moment thing.  i've never writen prose.  i'm not even sure what prose is.  this just seemed to fit.  i'll edit later.  but it seems to me that editting stream of conscience is wrong.  some how violating the peice to me.
Sunshine
Administrator
Member Empyrean
since 1999-06-25
Posts 63354
Listening to every heart
3 posted 2003-09-28 01:47 PM



Well, editing may violate the stream of conscious, Jeff, but profanity violates the guidelines, which we all follow.

Also, cross-posting and double posting are not allowed.  Please, review the guidelines if you have any questions, and if you need to contact an administrator of moderator, pick one of your choice, and we can help you out.

Thank you.

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