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Cool Universe XI
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Cool Universe XI |
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mirror man Senior Member
since 2001-01-08
Posts 814 |
Cool Universe by mirror man Chapter 11 So Abnorman went back to school, even though he didn’t want to. But before he went back to school, he discovered that he first had to get back on the school bus. “No!” said Abnorman. “Get on that bus!” said Daddyo. “No!” “Get on that bus!” “No!” “Get on that bus, or I’ll throw you on it myself!” “No! No! No! No!” Then Daddyo and Too Cool tied him up and threw him on the bus. “Yaaa!” And the bus ate him up. When Daddyo walked back into the house, Mama Cool said, “Dear, do you really have to throw him onto the bus like that?” “Yes,” said Daddyo. “Oh,” said Mama Cool. A pause, and then, “Maybe he’s got a problem.” “The only problem he’s got is getting on the bus,” said Daddyo. “He’ll get used to it. You’ll see.” And Daddyo was right. It said so in the Book. When Abnorman got to school, the first thing he noticed was that there was another teacher sitting behind the front desk with Mrs. Pinch. Standing behind them both was a giant naked rat, who looked suspiciously like Cousin Dog. Aha! thought Abnorman. This must be what he was supposed to figure out. Know. Thwart. Whatever. “Class,” Mrs. Pinch began. “Everyone quiet down. I have an announcement to make.” When everyone settled down, she continued, “Today is the first day of the school’s annual spelling bee contest. All classes in all the schools in the city will be giving spelling bees today also. The winner of this class will go on to compete against the winners of all the other classes in the school, and the school champion will go on to compete against all the other school champions in the city, until we have a city champion. The city champions then compete until we have a new planet champion.” She stopped to let them take all this in, and someone said, “What’s the winner get?” “The school champion gets a new Portable pocket dictionary,” she said. “The city champion gets a plaque with his name on it, and the planet champion gets five dollars and goes on to spell the Universe.” The classroom buzzed with this new knowledge, and Beef turned to Abnorman and said, “Alright! Five bucks!” “Yeah,” said Abnorman. Which was true. Five bucks was a lot of money. A quarter might get you a new Cosmic Adventure comic book or a chocolate milk shake. But five bucks! With five bucks, he could go to the park with his pseudo-family of standard procedure dudes. With five bucks, he could build his own inter-stellar space-traveling space ship and not have to read five hundred pages about Niceness. Five bucks! Well...five bucks seemed like all the money in the world. Either that, or, when Abnorman learned how to count, enough money to buy twenty Cosmic Adventure comic books. Mrs. Pinch smiled, seeing that they were all properly motivated, and nodded to the guy dude sitting next to her. “This is Mr. Hemorrhoid,” she said. “He is the school spelling bee judge. He will officiate in this spelling bee today and in all the other spelling contests in the school. Everyone, say hello to Mr. Hemorrhoid.” “Hello, Mr. Hemorrhoid,” everyone said in unison. Everyone already knew about Mr. Hemorrhoid from his reputation in the other classes, but this was the first time they had met him in person, so they had a lot of expectations. It was said that he was big and mean and had a short fuse. He could be stone cold one minute and grow horns the next. He also had a special paddle for troublemakers which he called the Bad Dude Eliminator. It was said to be as big as a classroom door -- in fact, at one time it had actually been a classroom door which he had ripped off its hinges in a fit of anger -- with air holes drilled in it to make it go faster and hit harder, sandpaper to rip off the skin when it hit, and six-inch spikes pounded in from the back to rip the flesh off the offender’s butt. It was said that just one whack from Mr. Hemorrhoid’s Bad Dude Eliminator was enough to send any Bad Dude to hospital for a month. Six whacks and they were never seen again. Mr. Hemorrhoid stood up and said, “Hello, class.” Then he smiled, and everyone shrank back in their seats. He continued, “I will be the referee, mediator and judge. I am here to see that everyone is given an equal chance to compete, and to arbitrate if there are any disagreements in decisions.” He pointed behind him at the giant naked rat that looked suspiciously like Cousin Dog, and said, “And if anything goes wrong, it’s his fault.” Everyone looked at the giant naked rat that looked suspiciously like Cousin Dog. “Hey!” said the giant naked rat that looked suspiciously like Cousin Dog. “That’s not fair!” “Too bad,” said Mr. Hemorrhoid. Hee hee. Mr. Hemorrhoid continued, “My word is final. Are there any questions?” He looked around the room, and everyone was silent. Anyone who met his gaze quickly looked down at their desk, and just when it looked like there were no questions and Mr. Hemorrhoid was smiling, and the giant naked rat was worriedly trying to cover himself (why? who knows), a hand rose up. It was Cousin Cosmos. “Yes, Cousin Cosmos,” said Mrs. Pinch. “Yes ma’am,” said Cousin Cosmos, standing up. “I was wondering. What if---?” “There are no what-ifs,” said Mr. Hemorrhoid. “But---” “There are no buts, either,” said Mr. Hemorrhoid. Cousin Cosmos was silent for a moment and then said, “I was only going---” “You were only going to shut up and sit down,” said Mr. Hemorrhoid ominously. “Perhaps---” “Shut up and sit down!” Mr. Hemorrhoid roared. Cousin Cosmos shut up and sat down. He turned to Abnorman and said, “No buts, what ifs, and was only going tos. This is going to be tough.” “Yeah,” Abnorman agreed. Nobody had spelled anything yet, and already their spelling was terrible. Mr. Hemorrhoid smiled, looked around the room, and said, “Are there any other questions?” There were no other questions. Mr. Hemorrhoid sat down and said, “Good. Now we can begin. Mrs. Pinch?” “Yes,” said Mrs. Pinch. “Snot!’ Snot stood up. “Excuse me, Mrs. Pinch,” said Mr. Hemorrhoid. “May I see your list of names?” Mrs. Pinch handed him her list, and Mr. Hemorrhoid read it over. “Hmmm...Snot. Heh. Dingle. He, heh! Bazongas. Ha! Muffy! Ha, ha! Beaver! Hahahahahohohohoheheheheee!” Then he handed the list back to Mrs. Pinch, stood up, and opened the book that lay in front of him on the desk. The title on the front cover read, The Universal Book of Correct Spelling and Proper Motivation, for Overworked, Underpaid, Cool, and Wrongfully Underappreciated High School Teachers Everywhere, Twenty-Third Edition. Mr. Hemorrhoid read from the Universal Book, “That which we call a hemorrhoid by any other name would smell as sweet.” Everyone was respectfully silent. “That’s not bad,” said Cousin Shakesdude appreciatively. “Thank you,” said Mr. Hemorrhoid. Then he sat down and said to Mrs. Pinch, “You may continue.” “Thank you,” said Mrs. Pinch. She turned to Snot. “The word is---” “Wait a minute,” said Mr. Hemorrhoid. “I have my own word. Snot?” “Yes, Mr. Hemorrhoid.” Mr. Hemorrhoid looked in the Universal Book and said, “Spell the word itsnotmyfaultmynameisnot.” “Uh, uh,” Snot stumbled mentally through the word, and then said indignantly, “That’s not even a word.” “Wrong,” said Mr. Hemorrhoid. “Sit down, Snot.” Snot began to snivel. “That’s not fair, Mrs. Pinch. He’s making up---” “Shut up and sit down!” yelled Mr. Hemorrhoid. Snot quit sniveling, shut up, and sat down. Mr. Hemorrhoid turned to the class and said, “Let that be a lesson to you all. We are not here to have fun.” “We’re not?” said someone. “No,” said Mr. Hemorrhoid. “This is a test. Yes! A test of the spirit of the mind...an expression of the dudely experience...a...uh. A...uh...wait a minute.” He pulled out the Book, thumbed through its pages and read aloud, “A test of the spirit of the mind. An expression of the dudely experience. A revelation of the joys, sorrows, struggles, defeats, and ultimate triumphs of all coolkind everywhere! A faith in the experiential truth that transcends the petty tragedies of everyday life and takes us beyond...beyond...uh...beyond...oh, rats!” Mr. Hemorrhoid looked in the book, turned back to the class, and yelled, “Beyond existence itself!” happily. Yes. I think it should be pointed out here that Mr. Hemorrhoid probably wasn’t reading his Book at all but only the syllabus from a university English course. To continue: He waved his hands in the air as he said this, variously pointing at the ceiling, the walls, and all the kid dudes. Everyone was very impressed. “What the heck does that mean?” said someone. “It means,” said Mr. Hemorrhoid, greatly out of patience, “that I’m not wasting my life judging a meaningless spelling bee in an anonymous school for a bunch of brain dead rug rats. No! It means this spelling bee is an event! It has meaning! I have meaning! Do you understand? Do You Understand!” He began puffing and huffing and chuffing blue smoke. “Yes! Yes!” everyone yelled at once. And that was when Abnorman suddenly realized that Mr. Hemorrhoid was insane too. Unfortunately, it was not of the same high quality as Abnorman’s. “Gee,” said someone, “I thought this was a spelling bee.” “That too,” said Mr. Hemorrhoid. He looked around the room one last time, and then, satisfied with the absolute authority of overworked, underpaid, cool, and wrongfully underappreciated spelling bee judges everywhere, he sat back down and nodded to Mrs. Pinch. “You may begin,” he said. “Thank you, Mr. Hemorrhoid,” said Mrs. Pinch. She wiped Snot off her list and continued. Meanwhile, back at the gates of hell, King Rat and his cohorts were having an emergency meeting. The main point of which was how to regain the ground they had lost. They had made camp on the bank of a dark and evil looking river which they had crossed in their escape from the Okra Man and which, inexplicably, he had declined to cross to pursue them. They stood by a fire as they spoke. “I think we should go back right now and bite every one of them,” said one rat to the King. King Rat shook his head. “Too overt,” he said. “We could eat up all their food,” said another rat. “What food?” said King Rat. “Except the okra,” said another rat. “We could give them our fleas and spread diseases,” said a third rat. “We tried that,” said King Rat. “We could capture their leader and extort our wishes,” said a fourth rat. “They have traps,” said King Rat. “We could eat double cheese burgers and make bad smells,” said a fifth rat. “Mmmm....maybe,” said King Rat. They were thus contemplating their options when another rat walked up and said, “Hey, guys, there’s a crazy dog back there with three heads.” “Yeah?” said another rat. “Yeah, ha, ha,” said the first rat. “He tried to bite my head off.” And then he laughed once more and his head fell off. The rest of him fell the other way. “Yaaaaa!” they all yelled at once. “Let’s get the hell out of here!!” “I’m thinking! I’m thinking!” yelled King Rat in a sweat. And then, “I got it. The Tome!” Mama Cool was hanging clothes in the back yard when she heard a strange sound coming from inside the house. It sounded like the patter of thousands of little paws and the squeaking of just as many. She put down her wash and walked cautiously to the back window. She didn’t see anything, so she walked in the back door and listened. There is was again, this time louder. So she followed the sound to Abnorman’s bedroom and opened the door. And there it was: Thousands of rats running everywhere. The patter was like thunder and the squeaking was a cacophonous roar. And in the middle of all this madness was a huge book jumping up in the air and coming down hard on as many rats as it could. The rats jumped on the book and the book in turn caught them in its covers and squeezed them until they squawked in pain. “Yaaaa!” yelled Mama Cool and slammed the door shut. And then she heard a different sound. Like a rumble coming from the sky and then a thud as the whole house shook. She ran out to the kitchen and looked out the back window. And there was a huge metal saucer standing in the back yard and a man in a silver suit tangled in the clothes line and a huge metal robot with one eye helping him out. “Yaaaa!” yelled Mama Cool. And then the man in the silver suit untangled himself and the two of them walked up to the back door and blasted it open. Boom! “Yaaaa!” yelled Mama Cool as she ran out the front door and down the street. "Yaaaa!” Back at school, Mr. Hemorrhoid was being a real hard ass. Grumbly refused to spell “cantankerous”. Grumbly frowned, crossed his arms, and said, “I don’t wanna.” “Wrong!” said Mr. Hemorrhoid. “Sit down, loser.” Grumbly sat down and Mrs. Pinch crossed him off her list. “Ha, ha,” said Grumbly. “I wanna sit down.” “Just for that, stand up!” yelled Mr. Hemorrhoid. Grumbly stood up. “He can’t stand up,” said Mrs. Pinch to Mr. Hemorrhoid. “Sit down!” yelled Mr. Hemorrhoid. “Ha, ha!” said Grumbly, sitting down. “Cross his name off your list,” said Mr. Hemorrhoid to Mrs. Pinch. “I did,” said Mrs. Pinch. “Cross his name off your list again anyway,” said Mr. Hemorrhoid. So Mrs. Pinch recrossed his name off her list. “Ha, ha!” said Grumbly. “I like sitting down.” “Oh, doggone it,” said Mr. Hemorrhoid. He looked in The Universal Book. “Go sit in the corner!” he yelled, pointing. Grumbly went to the corner and sat down. “I like this too,” he said. “And shut up!” yelled Mr. Hemorrhoid. Grumbly shut up. “Cross his name off again,” said Mr. Hemorrhoid to Mrs. Pinch. “Very good,” said Mrs. Pinch, and she recrossed Grumbly off her list in the opposite manner. “Cousin Cosmos,” said Mrs. Pinch. Cousin Cosmos stood up. “The word is---” “Wait a minute,” said Mr. Hemorrhoid. He looked at Cousin Cosmos and said, “You think you’re so smart, dontcha?” Cousin Cosmos jumped. “What?” No one said anything. “I said, you think you’re so smart, dontcha?” “Well, uh....” “Yes you do,” said Mr. Hemorrhoid. “You think you’re so smart. Everyone thinks you’re so smart.” Cousin Cosmos looked around the room uncertainly and then back to Mr. Hemorrhoid and said, “Oh, no,” shaking his head earnestly. “Yes, you do,” said Mr. Hemorrhoid. “Admit it.” “But....” “Admit it!” yelled Mr. Hemorrhoid. “ADMIT IT!” “Okay, okay!” yelled Cousin Cosmos, jumping in fright. “I think I’m smart. Everyone thinks I’m smart!” “Liar!” yelled Mr. Hemorrhoid. Hey, I’m not making this stuff up. “What?” “What makes you so smart?” yelled Mr. Hemorrhoid. Cousin Cosmos frowned uncertainly. “Because I get the answers right?” “Wrong!” crowed Mr. Hemorrhoid. “Haha! You got one wrong!” He started huffing and puffing and breathing blue smoke again. “Wrong! Wrong! Wrong!” “Okay! Okay!” yelled Cousin Cosmos, jumping frightfully again. “What makes me so smart?” “Because everyone thinks you’re so smart!” yelled Mr. Hemorrhoid. “What?!” “You ought to be ashamed!” screamed Mr. Hemorrhoid. “Yaaa!” yelled Cousin Cosmos. “I’m ashamed! I’m ashamed!” Then Mr. Hemorrhoid calmed down and quit huffing and puffing and blowing blue smoke. “That’s better,” he said. “You may sit down.” “What about the word?” said Mrs. Pinch. “That’s okay,” said Cousin Cosmos. “I’m really too ashamed---” “Shut up!” yelled Mr. Hemorrhoid. He looked in the book and said, “The word is knowitalltroublemakingfoureyedgeek.” “But...but!” said Cousin Cosmos. “What’d I do wrong?” “That’s just it!” yelled Mr. Hemorrhoid. “Nothing! You didn’t do anything wrong. You’re perfect. I hate that!” Cousin Cosmos sputtered, “But that...that’s crazy.” “WHAT?!” Mr. Hemorrhoid screamed. “Are you calling me crazy? Am I CRAZY?! Well? Huh? Huh?” Finally, Cousin Cosmos seemed to understand. He stared dismally at the floor, and said, “Oh...no,” and shook his head. “That’s right,” said Mr. Hemorrhoid, satisfied that he had at last made his point. “Now...spell the word.” Cousin Cosmos looked around the room in despair, looked up uncertainly at the ceiling, and said, “Knowitalltroublemakingfoureyedgeek. K-n-o-w-i-t-a-l-l-t-r-o-u-b-l-e-m-a-k-i-n-g-f-o-u-r-e-y-e-d-g-e-e-k. Knowitalltroublemakingfoureyedgeek.” “That is correct,” said Mrs. Pinch. “You may sit down.” Cousin Cosmos sat down, and Mrs. Pinch circled his name. Cousin Cosmos turned to Abnorman and said, “Oy.” Abnorman agreed. The next one was Snoozy, but no one could wake him up, so he was disqualified incognito. Sleezy gave everyone sly winks and was disqualified also. Cousin Henry missed on experimental socialism, Cousin Jesus missed on Gnosticism, Pretty Boy missed on prettyfacedcreepwhoallthegirlsthink- iscute, Cousin Shakesdude kept adding e’s and th’s to the end of everything, and Abnorman missed on chaos (also caos, khaos). And Mrs. Pinch absolutely refused to call on Dork. “Oh! Oh! Sit down!” said Mrs. Pinch. Dork sat down, totally unaware of how embarrassing he was. Dummy spelled his name right, but everyone else flunked out. Then Mr. Hemorrhoid decided that the contest was over and declared Dummy the winner. Cousin Cosmos jumped up and sputtered, “But...but that’s not fair!” “It’s fair if I SAY it’s fair,” said Mr. Hemorrhoid. “But I spelled my word right,” said Cousin Cosmos. “What word was that?” said Mr. Hemorrhoid. “Um...um, that big one,” said Cousin Cosmos. Suddenly, spelling didn’t seem like such a fun thing any more. “What word. What word,” insisted Mr. Hemorrhoid. “I don’t remember,” said Cousin Cosmos. “What word, what word, what word,” insisted Mr. Hemorrhoid. “Aaaargh!” said Cousin Cosmos, pulling at his face. “Oh...knowitalltroublemakingfoureyedgeek. That one.” “Spell it,” said Mr. Hemorrhoid. Cousin let out a huge sigh, looked at the ceiling and said, “Oh, Jesus.” “Oh, no,” said Cousin Jesus, pointing an accusing finger at Cousin Cosmos, “not this time. Sorry.” “Oh, very well,” said Cousin Cosmos slightly miffed. He crossed his arms, stared foreward, and said, “Knowitalltroublemakingfoureyedgeek. K-n-o-w-i-t-a-l-l-t-r-o-u-b-l-e-m-a-k-i-n-g-f-o-u-r-e-y-e-d-g-e-e-k. Knowitalltroublemakingfoureyedgeek.” “Very good,” said Mrs. Pinch. “You may sit down.” Cousin Cosmos leered triumphantly and was about to sit down when Mr. Hemorrhoid said, “Not so fast. You didn’t spell the other one.” “What other one?” said Cousin Cosmos. Then Mr. Hemorrhoid looked in his book and said, ““The word is...hippopotamus.” “Hippopotamus,” said Cousin Cosmos confidently. “H-i-p-p-o-p-o-t-a-m-u-s. Hippopotamus.” “Very good,” said Mrs. Pinch. “You may sit down.” Cousin Cosmos leered triumphantly again and was about to sit down again when Mr. Hemorrhoid said, “Not so fast. Not so fast. You didn’t spell the other one.” “What other one?” said Cousin Cosmos. Then Mr. Hemorrhoid looked in his book again and said, “Isothermal expansion of polytropic gases.” Cousin turned red, fumed, blew black smoked, and said, “Isothermal expansion of polytropic gases. I-s-o-t-h-e-r-m-a-l-e-p-a-n-s-i-o-n-o-f- p-o-l-y-t-r-o-p-i-c-g-a-s-e-s. Isothermal expansion of polytropic gases.” “Very good,” said Mrs. Pinch. “You may sit down.” Cousin Cosmos leered triumphantly again and was about to sit down again when Mr. Hemorrhoid said, “Not so fast. Not so fast. You didn’t spell the other one.” “What other one?” said Cousin Cosmos. Then Mr. Hemorrhoid read from the Book again and said, “The word is...whatsoneandoneandoneandoneandoneandoneandoneandoneandone.” “Haha!” said Cousin Cosmos. “That’s easy. Nine!” And then there was dead silence and a puzzled look came over his face and he said, “I mean---” “Wrong!” yelled Mr. Hemorrhoid. “You lose! Dummy wins by default.” Then Cousin Cosmos sat down, covered his face, and said, “Oy!” And there was Dummy standing all by himself. “Heh, heh,” said Dummy, beaming proudly. Everyone looked at Dummy. “The spelling champ’s a dummy!” someone yelled. Everyone looked at Mr. Hemorrhoid. “It’s his fault,” said Mr. Hemorrhoid, pointing to the giant naked rat. “Not fair! Not fair!” said the giant naked rat. Aha! thought Abnorman. Another victory for the forces of niceness! I think. copyright 1998, 2000 Author’s note: this is a work of fiction. All characters and events portrayed in this work are fictional, and any resemblance to real life hypocrites, bullies, and liars is merely coincidental. [This message has been edited by mirror man (07-17-2003 11:23 PM).] |
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| © Copyright 2003 mirror man - All Rights Reserved | |||
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mirror man Senior Member
since 2001-01-08
Posts 814 |
To anyone reading this: Author's unpleasant note: this is the final and only version of this novel that I have released to the public. However, this novel has been copied and used by others without my knowledge or consent. So if you should happen to come across another copy of this novel, under this name or another, in any medium, on the web or not, it is not released with my knowledge and consent and so is pirate. Or plagiarism. Or both. |
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mirror man Senior Member
since 2001-01-08
Posts 814 |
Special note to teachers, educators: This novel, this version, may be copied and distributed in any medium as needed for classroom study. -- mirror man |
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Munda Member Elite
since 1999-10-08
Posts 3544The Hague, The Netherlands |
This is just great stuff! |
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Mysteria 
since 2001-03-07
Posts 18328British Columbia, Canada |
You did a great job on this story, and I don't blame you watching to see if anyone copies it, good work! I surely enjoyed the story. |
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