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Just a day.......
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Just a day....... |
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Lucie Senior Member
since 1999-06-20
Posts 1077Houston 
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I read somewhere once that when a piece of glass cracks, the crack travels faster then 3,000 miles per hour. In my opinion that is the same speed that it takes a marriage to be destroyed by lack of communication and respect. And all you are left with are a bunch of sharp edges and wounds that take forever to heal. When I was a young girl and I would hear or see something that pertained to a man abusing a woman I would say that if a man ever hit me I would beat the hell out of him, or at the very least walk away and never look back. But thats not exactly how things worked out. I remember the first time he hit me, and I remember the last, but I can't seem to recall all the times in between. All I know is that it was too many. I tried to make excuses for him, I guess it was more that I was trying to convince myself that he didn't mean it, or that he was sorry. Hindsight tells me that he meant it every time. I guess it all starts out the same. Angry words and the sudden burst of uncontrolled temper. And you sit, alone, in the middle of the broken glass and the material destruction and weigh the good against the bad. The bruises heal, and the scars fade. And there were all those good times to consider. The laughter and the love. The soft spoken words of affection after the early morning love making. And suddenly you find yourself right back in the same situation, crumpling in fear and begging him not to take that next step, begging him not to hurt you. It's amazing how a 32 year old intelligent, self sufficient woman can be reduced to a little girl in a matter of moments by a simple statement or change in his demeanor. Her mind scrambling for the words to please and placate his anger. Some way to change the inevitable course of events that she can foresee as if she were psychic. And after its over and the silence echoes the slamming of the door as he leaves she's brave enough then, and only then to tell herself that the next time he does it she is gonna fight back. The sad part is that she knows there will be a next time. I've heard myself tell people that he didn't really ever hit me that hard, that there might be a scratch or two and a slight purple bruise, but that there where a lot of women out there who had it much worse the I did. Thats kind of a scary thing for me to admit saying, because I know that it was never o.k. for him to hit me, no matter how hard or often. So much control..... He told me not to move, and I didn't... well except for the few minutes it took me to grab a glass of water and a handful of sleeping pills. A brave act of rebellion? Not really.. I only took about 8 of them, not enough to kill myself I guessed, just enough to take me to that level of sleep that he couldn't reach in and get me from without a great deal of effort. Addiction... His or mine, I've never really been able to decide whose was worse. I convinced myself that it was his addiction to the drugs that made him hurt me. And my addiction to him enabled him to. Now that I think back, he wasn't high any of the times he hit me, he just wanted to be. So I guess by saying all of this I can only admit to myself that my husband was just what he was... an abusive spouse. In a situation like this blame is a difficult thing to place. It all happens so gradually. Heated words, a smart ass comment, a slap that can't be taken back. I think he was truly sorry the first time it happened, but then as time went on he took a kind of pleasure in the control he had over me. I could see it in his eyes. And in the distance he pushed the situation each time. Everytime he got away with it the next time would be worse and he would seem less and less sorry. Until there were no more apologies, just me telling myself he was sorry, even if the words never crossed his lips. The one thing I know to be true in all of this is that I was never as stupid as everyone believed me to be.... only as weak. ___________________________________________ I pulled this from a few pages of my journal. I don't know what people will think of me after they read this, but I was hoping that if there is someone out there who is going through this, or has gone through this. It might help to know, they aren't the only one. Remember me with a smile on your face, or please don't remember me at all. |
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| © Copyright 2003 Lucille Dobbins - All Rights Reserved | |||
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BlueEyes Member
since 2002-08-30
Posts 152TX, USA |
Lucie - I understand all to well the pain of which you've written here. And I, too, said that I would never let a man abuse me - neither physically nor mentally. Things don't always go as planned, do they? I hope and pray you got the courage to remove yourself from the situation. And pray that one day, I may also. BlueEyes |
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Larry C
since 2001-09-10
Posts 10286United States |
Lucie...kind friend, I have friends who deal with this and I have dealt with it as a social worker. I don't often confess I was the victim of a couple of incidents. Men don't get abused, people think. Your courage to be so vulnerable is extremely admirable. The complexity of this topic only serves to humble my understanding of women I think are too smart to suffer from this. Bless you for sharing so generously of your own suffering. And peace to you. Always know there are people here who care. I know I do.  If tears could build a stairway and memories a lane, I'd walk right up to heaven and bring you home again. [This message has been edited by Larry C (03-08-2003 12:23 AM).] |
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Kethry Member Rara Avis
since 2000-07-29
Posts 9082Victoria Australia |
Lucie, I haven't been there as an adult but I know what it feels like. *HuGS. Kethry Here in the midst of my lonely abyss, a single joy I find...your presence in my mind. Unknown |
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JamesMichael Member Empyrean
since 1999-11-16
Posts 33336Kapolei, Hawaii, USA |
Fine writing...and glad to read that you have made choices that took you away from this abuse...James |
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Larrysmom Senior Member
since 2008-04-03
Posts 533Florida, USA |
Thank you for sharing your deepest thoughts and feeling to help another. Excellent writing. I am happy to know you found your way out. Tammy<333 |
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