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Prozac Queen
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Prozac Queen |
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AnonomousHippie Junior Member
since 2003-02-21
Posts 10 |
It always has to be all about you, doesn’t it? You’re the one everyone needs to pity, the one everyone needs to love, everyone needs to protect you. You crave their attention and attempt to catch their glances by a wave of an arm and a flash of blood red skin. “Hey!” You cry “Look at me! Look at me! I need your attention, NOW!” and you wait for the next person who’s willing to drop everything for you to come along. You sit around every day, absorbed in your suicidal music, echoing your suicidal thoughts. They strip you of your pain, steel your emotion and hide away your tools, attempting to give you the help you so desperately crave. Yet, you don’t want it. You’re too absorbed in yourself and your misery and your pain and you don’t realize that I’m helping you instead of helping myself. It’s amazing how long you can sit in silence with a person and never realize the true nature of why they’re there, why they are choosing not to say a word to you. It’s amazing how much time you spend thinking about yourself, your problems, and how to get away with them, when you could divert a tad amount of your time to getting away and doing something, you could beat it if you would only try. But that would take too much of your precious energy, wouldn’t it? And you need that time to cut a hole deep enough so you can crawl away. Why won’t you help me when I need you? Or better yet, help yourself when you need me? I’ve beaten this infection once, if I can do it, so can you. You’re not the only one with problems. Oh! I don’t have the scars, do I? I never claimed to. That doesn’t mean that I don’t know what it’s like for you. That doesn’t mean I don’t have the tears or the thoughts or the pain. Don’t flatter yourself by claiming to be the only one; you’re not. I don’t understand how when you’re upset, you call and I take care of you. Do you remember the guy outside the window on the fourth of July? He wasn’t really there, I just agreed because I knew you were scared and that scared me. I take care of you when you need me. I walk with you, I talk to you, I listen to what you have to say. But you never listen to me. Actually, it’s more that you just don’t hear me. You’re too busy running and screaming and cutting your way through life to hear me when I scream back. You whine about your life, your torment, your blood stained carpet and I listen intently and comfort you. But when I let one complaint slip out of my mouth, the stuff falls and I’m crushed in a stream of your words. You scream at me about how I have no idea, I have no reason to fuss, my life has been 1,000 miles of sunshine with a full fuel tank, but how can you be so sure? You can have my life, if you want it. It’s already yours to dictate and yours to complain about, isn’t it? You hate my life so much that you’d like to change everything. Go ahead, rearrange it. I’ll have a whole new identity, but you’ll still be stuck with you. That’s what you hate about your life, isn’t it? No matter how many times you try to drink your way out of a situation, no matter how many pills you pop, no matter how hard you press that razor into your skin, you can’t escape yourself. You try to drown out the voices and advertise your thoughts through the cuts on your arms, but when it comes down to it, you’re still all alone at night and no one cares. You’re nothing without your drugs and your razors, they’re your crutch, the only thing that keeps you from sailing over the edge, from sailing straight into oblivion and being nothing for the rest of your life. It doesn’t matter because eventually you will become nothing. Have you ever wondered why I hate you sometimes? How long is it going to take you to realize that you can’t keep friends through guilt and pity? You can’t slash up your arms everyday and expect me to continue to take care of it if you’re not willing to take care of it yourself. Why should I clean up a mess you’ve made? Stay stranded in your own sea of blood and pills and razorblades, there’s no more lifesavers on my boat. I’ve given up on trying with you. I can’t take care of you anymore. What’s the point in trying if it’s hopeless? I no longer care about what you do to yourself. I can’t base my life off of rescuing you from your problems, and it’s not my problem if you decide the easiest solution is to cut your way out of them. How many times have I bandaged you up, only to have you rip off the bandages and cut yourself again? I can’t help you if you won’t help yourself. Just how much justification is needed to cry? You call, upset and I drop everything to take care of you and your problems, but the minute I am slightly upset about something, you’re reluctant to take an interest. You tell me to suck it up and get over it because I have no justification, I have no reason to be upset because my life could never ever come close to comparing to yours. Well, I have news for you. You are not the center of attention. You make your own problems, you do not have the worst life and you have no right to tell me to suck it up and stop crying, so shut up and go take more Prozac. (Author's Note: self mutilation is a serious issue that every one should be aware of. This is from the perspective of a friend of a cutter and I hope you will leave it up there..) |
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SPIRIT Senior Member
since 2002-12-29
Posts 1745California Desert |
Welcome - Interesting post, these very real problems are frightening, especially when on the outside looking in and feeling helpless. I be me BUT who does me be? |
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Midnitesun
since 2001-05-18
Posts 28647Gaia |
I've known a cutter or two. It's scary to see them go to such extremes, knowing that suicide is frequently just a step behind the self-mutilation, and even worse knowing it's nearly impossible for anyone to break through their wall of SELF. This is intense!: But when I let one complaint slip out of my mouth, the stuff falls and I’m crushed in a stream of your words. You scream at me about how I have no idea, I have no reason to fuss, my life has been 1,000 miles of sunshine with a full fuel tank, but how can you be so sure? You can have my life, if you want it. It’s already yours to dictate and yours to complain about, isn’t it? You hate my life so much that you’d like to change everything. Go ahead, rearrange it. I’ll have a whole new identity, but you’ll still be stuck with you. [This message has been edited by Midnitesun (02-23-2003 12:42 PM).] |
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regards2you Member Elite
since 2002-10-01
Posts 3940California |
I can certainly understand your frustration; I too, know a cutter with chemical imbalance in her brain, who more often than not, refuses to take medication. Add anorexia to her list of mental disorders. No matter how worried, upset, dismayed at her behavior I get, my life is 1000 times better than hers, and I do suffer greatly with my own ~physical~ affliction, making life extremly difficult on a daily basis. But, it is a picnic compared to those with borderline personality disorders. Sadly, they are mentally ill. This is a needed rant. I hope you don't say these things to the one so very, very sick. I would suggest you seek some outside help in dealing with this if you cannot remove this person from your life. You need a support group. It is my understanding even therepists have a difficult time dealing with this type mental illness, for they cannot get and keep the cooperation of the patient, trust issues a major factor of the patient...suicide rate is very high I understand, because eventually, after many attempts, they do succeed. My heart goes out to you, but, you might as well ask a two-year-old to prepare a 7-course dinner tonight as to have expections that this person is capable of holding you up when you need love and support. I am blessed in that I am far enough away emotionally, and she lives out of state, that I don't get caught up in ~her~ situations. It is a heartbreaking ~ILLNESS~ for all concerned as there are no easy answers. I would suggest you study more on these mental illnesses, which hopefully, will help you gain back the empathy and compassion you no doubt once had. And, please, PLEASE, seek help. You NEED love and support yourself. I know the fear and worry that accompany the emotional truama these people can put us through. I am glad you wrote this and I am sure, I know, there are many out there who are having these same thoughts and frustrations. This will help them to know they are not alone with the anguish and anger produced by this/these illnesses. Would you feel this way about a bedridden, heart or lung patient, or, one with an incurable disease, incapable of taking care of themselves? I'd like to think not. It is the same difference. But, ~your~ feelings, voiced here, are ~VERY VALID!!!~ I sincerely hope you can get some help and relief from this devastating, for all concerned, mental illness. Warmest regards and hugs, Pat  ..without surrender, be on good terms with all persons.. |
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Mistletoe Angel 
since 2000-12-17
Posts 32816Portland, Oregon |
 (tears fall down my cheeks) Self-mutilation is indeed terrible, sweet friend, truly I believe it is one of the big killers in our society today! (sad sigh) Depression tends to have loved ones get hurt by its victim and my heart goes out to all affected and I pray soon more methods can be made and this can be identified with more so we can truly "help" those in dire need! (sad sigh) My heart goes out to your friends, dearest friend, I'd say I've seen this dilemma over a thousand times even only being nineteen years of age, you have my vote and my hugs and prayer, we all love you so much! You have such a beautiful heart, sweet friend, thank you for sharing, God Bless You! May love and light always shine upon you! Love, Noah Eaton "Underneath your clothes there's an endless story..." |
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PoetryIsLife
since 2001-10-27
Posts 1763...in my boxers... |
A very, vey powerful vent.... it's obvious you needed a release... I hope this was what you desired it to be. I wish you and yours luck. ~Titus "On the plains of Hesitation lie the blackend bones of countless millions, who, at the verge of victory, sat down to wait, and waiting - died." |
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Trouble Breathing Member
since 2002-11-12
Posts 63 |
Wow..that was powerful. I know a girl who cuts. Sometimes several hundred times in a weekend..so I recognize perfectly what you are talking about. I liked it alot.. |
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Mysteria
since 2001-03-07
Posts 18328British Columbia, Canada |
This was a good exploration into the world of these minds, (of which I have seen a few myself). Good luck. |
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SPIRIT Senior Member
since 2002-12-29
Posts 1745California Desert |
This was an interesting write, just bumping you up. |
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Flower Member
since 2003-03-15
Posts 240California |
Very frightening to think of people self-mutilating themselves like this. I am compelled to vote, excellent write. Love reading all these great writes. |
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Allysa
since 1999-11-09
Posts 1952In an upside-down garden |
I think this is wonderful and I definitely have to disagree with regards. I think Anonomous' approach was to show the view of a person who knows a cutter, but was also once a cutter and knows where they have been. I am not sure what your approach to this was, but I think she is valid in her feelings, and expressed them wonderfully. "He who joyfully marches in rank and file has already earned my contempt. He has been given a large brain by mistake, since for him the spinal cord wo |
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carol Senior Member
since 2003-01-25
Posts 624Florida USA |
A really good write it is so sad that someone feels the need to do this it got my vote it should be in a book Real friends celebrate in who we are and have faith in all that we can become |
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Wesley the Blue Member
since 1999-09-02
Posts 426Forest Lake, MN, USA |
Often people that have the amout of self doubt and self pitty cant see how much they hurt the people that care for them. They think that they surely dont matter enough for it to hurt others. I know, I have had to help a friend through several bouts with anorexia, its not the same as cutting, but alot of the same emotional and mental pitfalls are there. This is defenitely a good write speaking from the perspective of a friend trying to help someone with such a serious problem. Thanks for sharing it. KWM |
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skyshine
since 2002-02-07
Posts 3058Beneath the northern stars |
Wow, that was incredibly powerful. I don't have the time to say a lot more now, but I will when I come back.  ~Liz Waited on a line of greens and blues, just to be the next to be with you.. |
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skyshine
since 2002-02-07
Posts 3058Beneath the northern stars |
I'm back. I have to say I agree with both regards2you and you AnonymousHippie. I ws in this position once, a cutter. You are right when you say they are looking for attention. Not all them are, but when they make it so obvious that they are cutting then yeah they are looking for attention. But Regards2you is also right, counseling may be a really good idea for them! Anyway this is VERY well written. I enjoyed it a lot. ~Liz Waited on a line of greens and blues, just to be the next to be with you.. |
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pjtalty Member
since 2002-07-17
Posts 111W.A., Australia |
I found this to be a very powerful and passionate plea for victims of the affliction and the carers as well. So many dilemmas, so much frustration; and yet, underlying it all, compassion. This is a well-written revelatory piece of prose:one that should touch the hearts and emotions of all who read it! Patrick Talty [This message has been edited by pjtalty (04-16-2003 01:16 AM).] |
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Jaime
Registered
MemberPosts 250 |
I'm a cutter and I used to burn myself. Yipee skippy. (Some people say it with too much pride.) I notice it a lot in people. Especially teens. This sense of empowerment over the world and even superiority. I cut myself so I am better than you. I am bipolar so I am better than you. Somehow, this makes me smarter. Like I'm a freakin' superhero. blah, blah, blah I've seen them raise their skirts to me as if it were some kind of initiation into my club. Jaime's Club: No Mentally Healthy People Allowed. I'd look at their cuts and pull them apart. They'd get angry with me because it hurt. It used to be short skirts and blond hair to get inside a group, and now it's Hot Topic and a razor blade. Some people will do anything to belong anywhere. I'm pretty solitary. I go out of my way to make sure that no one has to deal with my crap. Believe me, I know it's no bag of chips. Not even the greasy kind. Sometimes I can't really control myself though and things happen. But that's all part of it. I guess some people just didn't read the contract before they signed it and didn't bother to appreciate having the option. Thanks for writing this. It pisses me off when people act that way for attention because there's so many people out there who do need help but aren't getting it. Yay for stereotypes. Jaime the faeries creep into my hair at night leaving it in terrible knots [This message has been edited by Jaime (04-18-2003 06:58 PM).] |
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AnonomousHippie Junior Member
since 2003-02-21
Posts 10 |
Jamie, thank you for replying with this. As an ex cutter and the friend of a person who cuts, I realized immediately that they were only doing it for attention. When they purposefully make sure you know thAt they have slashed themselves from their thumb to their elbow and they let you know this every single day, it's because they want your attention. In my situation, I never showed anyone what I did to myself, people would ask me about it and I would make up excuses like "I fell out of a tree" or something like that. My friend, she needs attention. Her mom does not pay attention to her or displine her, and she needs the attention from somewhere. She brags about whatever she thinks her diagnosis is and constantly is like "I'm seeing people and hearing voices" She says she has OCD and if she steps on a crack, her life will end (I have OCD and don't step on cracks) so I counted how many cracks she stepped on while we were walking to school and I told her the number when we got ther and she got pissed off and told me that I was not supposed to count that and blahblahblah. yeah, whatever. |
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