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An Interview With Cpat Hair, (The One You Weren't Supposed To See)
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An Interview With Cpat Hair, (The One You Weren't Supposed To See)
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An Interview With Cpat Hair, (The One You Weren't Supposed To See) |
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Toerag Member Ascendant
since 1999-07-29
Posts 5622Ala bam a |
Toerag: "So tell me Ron, what is the most important element in deriving the maximum enjoyment from crackers?" Cpat Hair: "First and foremost Toe, is choosing the suitable companion to help you enjoy them. She must be a beautiful woman, elegant and accustomed to sophistication, a woman whose company is a challenge to enlist, a woman that's hard to get, (one of them "I'm better than you are and we both know it" type witches).... In approaching the lady that is going to help you enjoy crackers, it is best not to tell her of your intention; let it be a surprise to her. Be charmingly mysterious, saying only that you are going to do something currently different. If she accepts your invitation, proceed in making the following arrangements. Reserve two hotel rooms for the same night in two different hotels; one a single room in a skid-row flop house, and the other, a suite of rooms in the finest hotel in town. If you do not own an expensive car, make arrangements to have one at your disposal for the evening. On the day of the occasion, a few hours before you are to pick her up, purchase several heads of lettuce, romaine, endive, fresh spinach etc.; several pounds of fresh ripe tomatoes, cucumbers, celery, olives, green onions and so forth. In other words, whatever ingredients you would choose to make an attractive salad. Finally, you must also purchase five gallons each of the following dresssings: Roquefort, French, Russian, Thousand Island and Vinegar and Oil. Take these ingredients to the room at the skid row hotel, pull back the covers on the bed and make a four or five inch layer of salad that covers the entire surface of the bed, tossing the salad well with your hands. Pull the covers back over the salad and remake the bed. Place the twenty five gallons of dressing in the closet. With the above accomplished, proceed to dress for the evening. Dress as though you were a waiter or a wine captain in an expensive restaurant, but leave some doubt as to whether or not this is what your attire really suggests. The doubt is, of course, a personal matter. When you are dressed, and all of the necessary arrangements have been made, proceed to pick up your date. When you "call" for her, create an air of wistful mystery. However, try not to make your mystery dark and ominous; keep it light and taunting. If she asks you what is planned for evening, it is very effective to look into her eyes, smile faintly, but saying nothing, and then look away. Drive casually to the flop house. Make interesting conversation; keep her wondering; answer her questions about what you are going to do with only, "You'll see." When you arrive at the flop house, take her quickly to the room you have rented. Once inside the room, ask her this question: "By the way, what salad dressing do you prefer?" When she has told you, go into the bathroom and drape a small hand towel over your forearm (a la fancy waiter). Return to the room and pull back the covers on the bed to display the crisp green salad. One of the high points of the evening is now at hand. You must coax her to lie down on the bed. She may possibly reject such a notion at first, and may even attempt to leave. Reason with her adroitly. One of the finest points of argument to convince her that it is perfectly all right is: "salads are good for you." If she is still hesitant, you can even go so far as to chide her for not being adventuresome. Whatever you do, get her in that bed; get tough if you have to, but get her in that bed! After she is in the bed, remove her clothes and tell her you have some special "dressing' for her...her favorite. Go to the closet, take out five gallons of her choice of dressing, and with great flair, pour it all over her entire body. She will probably make some remarks like: "What is the meaning of this ridiculous tableau? Are you mad, you crazy S.O.B.!" Enjoy them. When you have emptied the entire five gallons of dressing on her, snap your fingers and say: "Crackers!" Begging her forgiveness, explain that you have forgotten the crackers. Tell her that you will have to run to the corner store, and for her not to move a muscle. Accidently pour the remaining dressing all over her clothes on the floor. Race out of the flop house, drive swiftly to a store and buy a small box of saltines. Do not buy fancy crackers. When you have purchased them, drive to the fine hotel in which you have rented the suite of rooms. Go directly to your suite, place the box of crackers on the nightstand beside the bed, take your clothes off, and get into bed. Turn the lights off, settle down, and nibble on the crackers one by one. You will derive a maximum enjoyment from them." |
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| © Copyright 2003 Toerag - All Rights Reserved | |||
Cpat Hair
since 2001-06-05
Posts 11793 |
Hey..I believe you have quoted me out of context...( never could trust the press to get it right). In fact what I said was 'one of the key arguments to use in getting her into the bed of sald was and I quote," Lettuce entertains you" Bud bud bud.... what am I going to do now...all my secrets out inpublic and I thought we were just talkng as friends...then here you go... publishing them.... I got to tell you..I am a little dissapointed not in your telling thes...but I Deer's performance as the engine in that car you sold me... |
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suthern
since 1999-07-29
Posts 20723Louisiana |
My my my... aren't we the busy one this morning... an interview with the great Cpat filed in time for the morning news! LOL And what an interview it is! LOL I love this, sweets! (Though it does make me kinda glad I'm not elegant and sophisticated and thus a target for such! LOL) And now I'm hungry for some odd reason? LOL |
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Earth Angel Member Empyrean
since 2002-08-27
Posts 40215Realms of Light |
I thought salads were better for you than crackers! tehe Excuse me now, for I now have to go lie down on my bed of lettuce and drown my sorrows in oil and vinegar! Thank you for the good morning smile! Sending warm hugs and saltines to both you and our el capitan, EA |
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regards2you Member Elite
since 2002-10-01
Posts 3940California |
Toe, Laughed all the way through it. Thanks for this morning view of C'pat's night life.... I'll go see what he has to say about this unusual way of getting someone to go to bed with him. Quite creative, you are.... Hugs, Pat  ..without surrender, be on good terms with all persons.. |
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Duncan Member Ascendant
since 2001-08-07
Posts 5455 |
Exposed by Toe!!!!! Oh no!!!!! Where do all my hero's go???? |
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Cpat Hair
since 2001-06-05
Posts 11793 |
no wonder I have to write that poor fellow always on the road and running from women.. huh? where you think that inspiration comes from? |
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Sunshine
Administrator
Member Empyrean
since 1999-06-25
Posts 63354Listening to every heart |
TOE! And this fantasy was NOT a submission for the book?  |
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Kethry Member Rara Avis
since 2000-07-29
Posts 9082Victoria Australia |
Well I'll be tossed in the air and buttered on both sides!. 'S a lad that can get me into the cot when there are crackers to be had. Kethry Here in the midst of my lonely abyss, a single joy I find...your presence in my mind. Unknown |
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KristieSue
since 2003-01-31
Posts 1460PA, US |
Ranch dressing. My favorite is Ranch. Is there any way we can make it creamier. *EG* We are in a flop house, afterall. |
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Cpat Hair
since 2001-06-05
Posts 11793 |
Kristie we can make it creamier.. I can add the other 5 gallons of Buttermilk Ranch... you want it with or without croutons? |
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KristieSue
since 2003-01-31
Posts 1460PA, US |
noooooooooooooooo....I wasn't asking for MORE....(not dressing anyway), I wanted what I HAD on me already, creamier LOL |
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Cpat Hair
since 2001-06-05
Posts 11793 |
well... here it is about quitting time on a Friday Night... better run to the store and get some lettuce... anyone care for a salad? (laughing) |
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KristieSue
since 2003-01-31
Posts 1460PA, US |
LOL I think we're sticking to scary smooth around here.... crackers in bed come later...think he'll skip the salad LOL |
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Balladeer
Administrator
Member Empyrean
since 1999-06-05
Posts 25505Ft. Lauderdale, Fl USA |
Hold the roquefort!! I think a few of those last steps are unnecessary...when you say "what type of dressing do you prefer....SEIZE HER!!! |
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garysgirl 
since 2002-09-29
Posts 19237Florida, USA |
Well, I got here so late, I guess all the salad AND the crackers are all gone........HeeHee!! I do prefer mine in a bowl, though. Hugs, Ethel BTW, ya know interviews can be decieving and things aren't always the way they look?????Or sound????or just ARE?? Yeah, right!!!!!!! [This message has been edited by garysgirl (02-23-2003 02:19 AM).] |
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Charisma
since 2000-09-30
Posts 5906lost in blue pages |
 what a read......errrrrrr .....interview, Charisma |
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Sunkissed Senior Member
since 2002-12-03
Posts 610 |
Toe, this was hilarious! Thoroughly enjoyed this! (still laughing). Captain, you're a good sport- most of the time! Sunkissed."I have to hurry past the moon...to Jupiter..." |
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kaile
since 2000-02-06
Posts 5146singapore |
this cracked me up! |
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An Interview With Cpat Hair, (The One You Weren't Supposed To See)
