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Attack of the Halbs
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Attack of the Halbs |
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Rainbowdust Member
since 2002-12-05
Posts 320Sydney, Australia 
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Inspired by a friend's obsession with the word "blah", this is about an alien race called the halbs. It's an attempt to write something in Douglas Adams style and effectively combine science-fiction and comedy. I'm not sure if it worked, but you can be the judge of that! ~~~~~~~~~~~ It was just another normal day at 17 Halblah Drive. Mrs Lahb was scraping chicken flavoured Maggi noodles off the wall, while her toddler was banging on his high chair with his fork. An empty red plastic bowl was upturned on his head. Mr. Lahb was reading the paper. "Honey," he said to his wife, "Maybe the stock market isn't our ticket to Forbes richest man on earth list." "It's 'my' ticket, sugar muffin," she replied. "How can 'we' be on Forbes' richest MAN on earth list when I'm a woman?" "Oh blah." he replied, putting the paper down and picking up his keys. He paused for a second and wondered where that odd word had come from. He remembered the phenomenal 'yaada yaada yaada' phase that had swept the world during the late 20th century thanks to a show called 'Seinfeld', but this 'blah' obsession seemed to have appeared from nowhere. * * * "I don't think we can see each other anymore." Leah mentioned offhandedly. "We're just too different, you and I." "What?" Michael gasped. "But I love you!" "It's only been three days," Leah said, beginning to file her nails again. "3 days in physical time," Michael replied, putting a hand to his head, "but I felt like I'd loved you for a thousand lifetimes whenever you looked into my eyes..." "Like, whatever." "You see?" he sobbed, "this is what I mean. You just don't care!" "Oh blah." * * * "Oh blah dee oh blah daa, life goes on..." Mrs. Hanson was singing to herself as she folded the laundry, and switched the television on with her elbow. A Japanese samurai movie was on. "Midori no paaka arimasuka!!!!" He was screaming as the samurai brought his sword closer and closer to his neck, but at the last minute, just slashed his ponytail off. "Doomo arigatoo!!" he exclaimed, happy to have his life saved. "Doko de tanjobi no itsu desuka!" the samurai said blandly. The subtitle came up, "BLAH." * * * Meanwhile, on the planet Zepto, the halbs heads of government were having an emergency meeting. "What are we going to do about these earth people?" one exclaimed. "They're causing our entire planet to go to the gods... I mean dogs!" "I know!" Wailed another, "We should have got that Rushabh boy when we had the chance! Now he's gone and made... you know... his word for the year, and caused the epidemic to spread too far! There's no hope left!" Quispy started flailing his numerous tentacles in the air in utter despair. "What are we going to do?" "It's all your fault for not sticking to the palindrome's like we'd discussed!" Said Retep. "You saw what happened when everyone stopped getting stressed and there was a sudden overflow of desserts all over the planet! We should have stuck to "halblah" as the secret password. It wouldn't matter which way anyone said it. Those MalayalaM people in India have got it right!" "You think we ever could have foreseen the earth people becoming obsessed with such a ridiculous word as "blah?" Nosaj cried, and then quickly covered his mouths... a little to late. He had said it. Nothing happened. Nothing continued to happen. Time stood still. And then it went backwards. "It's all your fault for not sticking to the palindrome's like we'd discussed!" Said Retep. "You saw what happened when everyone stopped getting stressed and there was a sudden..." Nosaj interrupted. "Ooh, deja vu." And Hsoj shouted, "It happened again!" The poor halb government. The "backwards" word had been an ingenious invention by the father of modern physics, Dilbert. After lifetimes of research, he had discovered a way to actually control time; to make it go forwards and backwards and stand still at will. But unfortunately, the fire which claimed his life also claimed many of his famous discoveries. The "backwards" word was the only thing he had mentioned to his wife. It was basically a real life Control + z button. Saying the "backwards" word would cause time to rewind a few seconds, erasing the memory of those few seconds in everyone's minds except the person who had said the word. They were then given a chance to make up for their stupendous error. And being your typical politicians, the halb government had kept the "backwards" word to themselves, using it extensively during times when they *ahem* didn't realise the microphone was on before a speech to the planet, or on the odd occasion they were stupid enough to agree when their wives told them they looked fat in a particular skin. The word which rewound time had been christened "blah" as it was backwards for "halb." And so, the halbs lived in peace on Zepto until the word "blah" became the latest buzz word on earth. Saying "Blah" had no influence on humans whatsoever, but it was wreaking havoc on Zepto, for the politicians were finding it extremely hard to trust one another. Money was missing from bank vaults all over the planet, and no one could ever remember anything. Halbs would wake up next to each other and not have a clue what had just happened, and poor students found themselves feeling as though they were stuck repeating a particular math equation forever! Something obviously needed to be done, and at the end of his tentacles, Quispy demanded action: "Kcatta!" He shouted, and then, sheepishly, "I mean, attack!" * * * Down on earth, the 'blah' epidemic had truly reached epic proportions. Teachers were at a loss trying to correct thousands of essays with 'blah' taking the place of adjectives, events, names... or any other detail the student happened to forget. "Did you do your homework?" Was met with, "oh blah to that," and there was even talk of "blah" replacing the current cafeteria menu of "Surprise me," or, "I don't care." At 17 Halblah Drive, Mr. and Mrs. Lahb were finishing a delicious dinner, when they heard the strangest sound. It was as if a million soft wind chimes were blowing in a late afternoon breeze. The sky darkened suddenly, and they felt a strange change in the air. "Can you feel that?" Mrs. Lahb asked her husband. "I can't describe it... it just feels really... blah..." "I know," replied her husband, and the couple went outside to see what the big blah was about. "Deja vu!" Nosaj was screaming again as they lowered their impossibly gargantuan rainbow coloured flying plate closer to earth's atmosphere. "We come in revenge!" came a booming voice, just to make sure the humans didn't get any wrong ideas. "You are destroying our civilization so we are here to destroy you first!" And with those words, a tiny mosquito came flying out of the impossibly gargantuan rainbow coloured flying plate. This first mosquito was followed by another, and another, and another. And each mosquito made a (excuse the term) bee-line for one human's ear, where it stuck itself, buzzing, "Eeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee" continuously. Everyone covered their ears and ran screaming into their houses. The halbs laughed and gave each other high 15s at the success of their secret weapon. There was nothing more annoying in the entire universe than the sound of a mosquito buzzing around near your ear. It was only a few hours before all the leaders of all the earth's countries who weren't being impeached for something or another assembled below the entrance of the impossibly gargantuan rainbow coloured flying plate, begging and pleading with the halb's for mercy. "What do you want from us?" the lone woman Prime Minister of Australia cried. "We'll do anything, please! Just get rid of these mosquitoes!" Nosaj smiled in glee and shouted, "You must stop saying the word 'blah'!" The halbs laughed and gave each other high 15's at the success of their secret weapon. There was nothing more annoying in the entire universe than the sound of a mosquito buzzing around near your ear. The earth people looked puzzled as in the middle of his speech, the halbs started laughing and high 15-ing each other. "Well?" Retep asked expectantly. "Aren't you going to ask what we want from you? Tell us that you'll do anything as long as we get rid of these annoying mosquito's?" "Um," the Prime Minister of Australia said, "We just did. And you said that we must stop saying the word 'blah'... The halbs laughed and gave each other high 15's at the success of their secret weapon. Nosaj caught on and suddenly shouted, "Argh! Stop saying that word! You see what it does to us? It makes time go backwards, and it's driving us crazy! Your lack of vocabulary is having disastrous affects on our planet! Stop saying the 'b' word, and we shall call off our mosquitoes and leave you alone." The Prime Minister of Australia agreed and said, "Okay! From now on, the new buzz word is "Fosters!" A cricket chirped. But no one heard it because of the incessant whining of the mosquitoes. "It's Australian for beer!" she added. Someone coughed. But no one heard it because of the incessant whining of the mosquitoes. "Aw, bugger it!" She said, throwing her hands in the air. "Who can be stuffed?" "Stuffed..." every human's mind started putting "stuffed" in to their sentences instead of blah. They realised the incredible versatility of the word "stuff". "Another beer?" "Nah mate, I'm stuffed." "Wanna watch TV?" "Can't. TV's stuffed." "Ow! I hit my leg on the table and now my shin's stuffed!" "Hey, change the channel!" "You do it! I can't be stuffed!" "Huh? What did you say?" "Stuff it. Wasn't important anyway." And cheering broke out all over the world at the new buzz word for the century. And the halbs were pleased, and they called off their mosquitoes, and headed back to Zepto in their impossibly gargantuan rainbow coloured flying plate. They decided to still take an extra precaution and change the "backwards" word from "Blah" to "Halblah" as previously suggested. And they celebrated, thinking their problems were finally over. But meanwhile, back at 17 Halblah Drive........ The soul would have no rainbows, had the eyes no tears. |
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| © Copyright 2003 Shireen - All Rights Reserved | |||
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SPIRIT Senior Member
since 2002-12-29
Posts 1745California Desert |
I imagine that you had a lot of fun writing this piece - hardly BLAH is it???????? |
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Cpat Hair
since 2001-06-05
Posts 11793 |
(chuckling) amusing..and revealing of human nature as well.. I enjoyed |
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