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Conversations With Satan
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Conversations With Satan |
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EagleScorpion Senior Member
since 2000-03-08
Posts 1644Here, Now, Forever 
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Conversations with Satan Introduction This introduction is something more of a disclaimer than a formal introduction. I want to let you, the reader, know that none of this is serious. I am not a worshipper of Satan, nor do I believe in his existence at all. This manuscript is intended to be a slapstick version of Neale Donald Walsh’s widely acclaimed trilogy, Conversations With God. It is in no way intended to strike down or refute any of Walsh’s views. In fact, I read all three books in the trilogy as well as The New Revelations, the newly released sequel, and I love these books with a passion. In a way, these books changed my life and made me look at life in a fresh new way. So, with that said, this is just a joke, guys. Don’t be afraid. I do not serve Satan. I swear on all that is right and holy (hehe) that your soul is in no danger when you read this. ;-] In writing CWG, Neale Donald Walsch pioneered new grounds in the world of spirituality by utilizing a two sided conversation. One side of this conversation was intended to be Neale Donald Walsh himself, representing the normal, everyday views of all people in the world today. He is the normal consciousness; the regular, unenlightened human mind. The Body. The Son. Whatever. The second side of the conversation is supposed to be “God” answering all of his feeble, mortal questions. “God” represents the better understanding that we all inherently possess. He represents Your Higher Self, or, the father, if you will. So, in a way, Neale writes these books appearing as a mere child talking to it’s father and asking him questions… only in a more..ahem.. universal perspective.. Now this idea was just great and dandy and all, but Walsch forgot another side of the conversation. He failed to explore our “darker” understanding. He failed to seek the low-road. This book is for people who want to take that low road. Anyone who has read the books knows what I am talking about. Evil, guys. Behold, True evil. You are about to get a taste of THE OTHER SIDE of your understanding that is very much as inherent within you as “God” is. READ AT YOUR OWN SOUL’S RISK BWWUUUUAAAAHAHAHAHAHAHHAHA! * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * Hello? God? Hi there. It’s you! It’s really you! …..Umm… I never said I was God, you sniveling moron. …What? I tho.. You heard me. This isn’t your precious little God. He is a little..ahem.. preoccupied.. at the moment. HEH HEH HEH Wait.. then.. who is this? Who’s moving my hand to write this if it isn’t the Almighty?!?! It’s Satan, you fool! AND YOUR SOUL IS MINE! Oh no!! What’s happening here? I thought Satan didn’t exist! That book I read told me so! You believe everything you read, don’t you? OF COURSE I exist! I just make people think I don’t so I can have MORE FUN WITH THEM! HAHAHAHA Oh no… I’m… doomed… That’s right, my little darling. Your soul will be very tasty when I DEVOUR IT! HAHAHAHA NO!!! WAIT!!! I don’t want to go to hell!! Oh listen to you! It’s pathetic! Your incessant mortal wailing! I don’t want to go to hell! Ooo me oh my! God please help me I’m doomed oh boo hoo. JUST SHUT UP. You will make it easier on yourself. I’m not really scared, you know. I was playing with you, haha! I’m smarter than that….But… is this… truly…. Satan himself? You have never fooled me, mortal. I am the one and only, babe. Old Scratch. The Evil One. The Prince of Darkness. The Fallen Angel himself. The Profound Darkness. Saddam Hussein. Pick a name. It’s all me! Well…geez…uhh….. before you damn me to eternal suffering… HEHE I like THAT part!! Wait!! Before you damn me to hell… well… I…. I uh.. Oh out with it already! I have a kid in Jersey who’s ready to be taken after you. Hurry up. Well.. do you think I could… ask you some questions? There is a lot of things I want to know about what you think about the world today. I can sum it ALL up for you in one sentence. This WHOLE WORLD is f-ing itself to hell everyday and it’s my job to laugh in all of your pathetic little faces when it’s all over! HAHAHAHA Oh, come on. That’s not completely true. Look at how far we’ve come! Look at all of the human compassion and love that we share with one another! We’re not completely out of hope yet! RRRRAAAAAGGGHHHH!! Well you sure as hell are getting there very quick! Human compassion?? LOVE?? Don’t make me vomit, fool! You wouldn’t know love if it flew a passenger jet into your skyscraper! I resent that. Hey! Like you can talk! What would Satan know about love? I know this, mortal, that “love” is a crock! It’s just a second- hand emotion that you foolish humans use to self -gratify yourselves. “Love” wont save you. Nothing will! Whoa there, buddy. Tell that to the mother of seven children who devotes her life lovingly to their happiness and survival. Try and tell HER that love is a “crock”! No. You totally skipped over my question, that’s not fair! I didn’t skip over the question, you fool. You didn’t inquire anything. You were trying to tell me how to run my business. YOU DON’T KNOW ANYTHING ABOUT ME! Regardless, that stupid mother probably thought she was so much better than everyone else because she wasted her stupid little life raising smelly, annoying kids who should all be burned instead! Oh , come on. HA! Don’t start playing Mr. Guardian Angel with me, Frankenstein! You have another thing coming, buddy. Oh yea, bitch? Then bring it on! I’m not scared of you anymore! You cant really do anything to me anyway! HAHA! You have no real power! Michael and all of his friends kicked your ass a long time ago! DID HE??? DID HE REALLY? GEE, WHERE WAS I WHEN THIS HAPPENED? WHY AM I STILL ALIVE THEN?? WHY IS THAT HALF OF THE INHABITANTS ON YOUR IDIOT PLANET ARE STILL SUFFERING BELOW THE POVERTY LINE? WHY ARE YOU GUYS STILL KILLING EACH OTHER, THEN, HUH? CAN YOU ANSWER THAT?!?!?! Can you truly deny the evil that is naturally inherent within you all? Can you truly deny the fact that you deny the world your due love and care? Sure I can. I’m not talking about you as an individual. Do you have the audacity to think that you can change the world? You are a piece of decaying organic matter that just takes up space and resources. You don’t truly affect the grand scheme of things at all! HAHA! You think you are so special. I am. No you’re not. Yes I am! HeHe, I’m beginning to enjoy this, Satan! GRRRR…Hmmm….. your gonna be a tough one yet, aren’t you? You know, not many people out there are as aware as you! You should be proud! But you know what they say, the bigger they are, the harder they fall! Oh, shut up. Make me. How does it feel to never know what heaven is? HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!! Are you kidding me? This is better than heaven. You know, God is secretly jealous of me. You should be, too, you know. It took a lot of work to be like this. It took a lot of suffering… a lot of pain.. pain you could NEVER comprehend! Heh heh heh… and I’m here to tell you that HELL EXISTS!! Oh yea? How so? You know about “freewill” and all of that nonsense, don’t you? Well.. yea… “Freewill”, my old pal, is a VERY POWERFUL word. I think I can see where you’re going with this… You will find out one day that it is God who is Satan, and ME WHO YOU SHOULD BE WORSHIPPING! This cant be true. You wont fool me with this. God will take your freewill away. If this wasn’t true, THEN HOW COME YOU ARE A HUMAN BEING WITHOUT ANY RECOLLECTION OF WHAT YOU WERE BEFORE YOU WERE BORN? YOU FIND YOURSELF SUBJECTED TO A LIFE OF SUFFERING WITH NO EXPLANATION! HOW CAN YOU HAVE ANY REVERENCE FOR SUCH AN EVIL CREATURE THAT WOULD ALLOW THIS TO BE SO? Ok. I know this one. I chose to be here, buddy. We had an agreement before I was born. Ha! You don’t know that! No, Satan. I DON’T know that, I admit. But I BELIEVE IT! BUT HE DOESN’T EVEN SPEAK TO YOU!!! Ooo..English is too feeble for “Almighty God”.. ooo.. No, Satan. She speaks to me all of the time, and She speaks to you, too. You just don’t listen. Oh sure… Sure he speaks to you. So EXPLAIN THIS! When your mother dies, that must be a nice happy message from Him too, huh? He is a dirty thief, mind you! A CONNIVING SON OF A BITCH! HE’S GOING TO SHOW YOU THE WHOLE WORLD, YOU FOOL! AND THEN HE ROBS YOU BLIND OF IT! HE HAS NOT A HEART!!!!!! YOU KNOW WHAT I SPEAK OF…. Whoa whoa whoa… Ok.. that’s delving into something that I couldn’t possibly understand. I don’t know if that’s really how it is. It’s probably much better than that! I’m sure it all works out. CANT UNDERSTAND?? It’s plain and simple!! Your spinning around on God’s stupid ****ing merry-go-round! But.. you don’t have to look upon it so negatively… Sure… fine… see for yourself…. When you die in 34 years… Is that how much time I have left? Wow. I only live to 53, huh? Fraid so, bud. Unless you want to speed up the process and just COMMIT SCUICIDE NOW!!! Stop right there. Even if I did, I would still be forgiven! OH YEAH? YEAH! Ok.. fine.. you got me there. Then why don’t you do it? Because… my brothers… my father… my mother…my friends… C’mon, Joe. You’ve thought about doing it MANY times before. Believe me, you wont miss out on much. You are better than this human being nonsense. You devote your life to seeking your “true self”, so HOT DAMN, why don’t you see for yourself? There’s nothing to miss, babe, and nothing to lose. Ok. I have Satan trying to convince me to kill myself… If anything, you have convinced me to NEVER do it!! Have I? Have I REALLY? Are you telling me that you might have some slight doubts about your newfound beliefs? If what you CLAIM to believe is true, then you don’t have to worry about leaving your family behind because they will be waiting for you on the other side!.. or maybe the Bible was right all along, huh? No! It cant be! You cant fool me with that Bible nonsense anymore. That was a nice try, though… Wasn’t it? And ISN’T IT? You like my work, don’t you? I didn’t even read past Genesis before I threw it down. I know what your up to.. All those fools.. Hey! They are NOT fools! Those people are my friends, and my family. Fiercely loyal friends who would take a bullet for me! You generalize too much, Satan. Not everyone is really as stupid as you think. Oh yea? Can you prove that? I’m starting to get a little tired of this. Let’s talk about something else. Lets talk about something else besides freewill, damnation, scuicide, and the Bible! Okay. What do you want to know? Shoot. I’m all ears… or horns, I should say! Ha – Ha. Let’s hear it. All we have been doing is arguing so far. Do you have any real questions to ask me? Or are you afraid you already know the answer? Nobody said anything about being “afraid”. Ok. Fine. Here’s a question. Is there truly such a thing as a spiritual contract? Elaborate. Well. You know.. You sign your soul over to Satan in exchange for a life of riches and prosperity.. that whole deal.. Well.. why do you ask? Are you interested? WANT TO MAKE A DEAL? ….im not so sure you really have the power to enslave a soul.. You aren’t so sure about anything, are you? You are treading on thin ice here, mortal. No I’m not. Kiss my ass. You can’t do anything. Then why did you ask in the first place? Take a look at your celebrities, your millionaire athletes... That kind of luck doesn’t just appear from thin air, you know.. I should never have started this conversation. It’s not going to get anywhere. Neither are you. Hey! Shut up! Okay, next question. Shoot. ….okay… Have you, Satan, Prince of Darkness, Lord of pain, suffering, and despair… My, I’m quite flattered.. Have you ever considered calling it quits? I mean, seriously, Satan. Haven’t you gone far enough? Nobody in their right mind could even FATHOM the possibility of exceeding the amount of google-eons you’ve suffered through! Google - eons? Is that the best you could think of? No span of “time” comes close to how long I’ve struggled.. You should have said eternity. I never quit. But, technically, you COULD quit if you wanted to! Or are you stuck in this? HaHa! Poor stupid Satan is stuck! You fool I AM NEVER STUCK! Ha! So you admit! You could get out of that and join all of the happy, fun-loving souls ANY TIME you please! That does not mean I ever will. What would happen if you did? A heaven you will never know. …………………Goodbye Satan. ;-) Kiss my ass. I have sent you nothing but angels, and I have placed nothing but miracles before you. [This message has been edited by EagleScorpion (12-28-2002 03:37 PM).] |
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| © Copyright 2002 Joseph Alexander Knob - All Rights Reserved | |||
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Stinky Twinkie Member
since 2002-11-26
Posts 204Dinwiddie |
I enjoy conversations with Satan. *shifts eyes* Did I type that out loud? -Stinky Twinkie- |
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EagleScorpion Senior Member
since 2000-03-08
Posts 1644Here, Now, Forever |
Okay. It's finally done save a couple of grammatical errors. I hope you guys take the time out to read this. I'm seriously considering making this a publication, and this may just be the first chapter. I strongly invite any constructive critique, or theological/spiritual discussion. |
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EleanorMoonbaby Member
since 2002-09-02
Posts 202England, UK |
Like it, like it! It's great the way you've managed to incorporate some element of theology into a realtively casual dialogue. And thankyou for your response to 4:48 am, not to mention your tips on getting to sleep. Ellie  "I'm terribly sorry ma'am, my karma just ran over your dogma" |
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visitvenus Member
since 2002-12-30
Posts 101PA, USA |
This is great. Especially how you turn the tables and trick Satan himself with logic. I didn't think I was up for reading anything lengthy at this late hour, but I couldn't stop myself...good to the last drop! -Venus |
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jennilynn Junior Member
since 2002-11-11
Posts 29here with me |
This was hilarious. I myself don't believe that "God" or "Satan" exist, but this was really quite amusing. jeez, I'm still chuckling... ~jennifer |
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jennilynn Junior Member
since 2002-11-11
Posts 29here with me |
This was hilarious. I myself don't believe that "God" or "Satan" exist, but this was really quite amusing. jeez, I'm still chuckling... ~jennifer |
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GOlDsparklESS Member
since 2001-12-13
Posts 428central nj |
 i think you have unfolded a profound universal truth Beezlebub! It’s plain and simple!! Your spinning around on God’s stupid ****ing merry-go-round! well, not really. haha, damn joe. you disenchanted, convoluted, chemically dependent sinner. but- it causes one to wonder.. if god is everything.. then god must surely comprise all that is profane and profound.. and this consciously belligerent force, or energy, that inspires factions of humans to commit atrocities and be just plain stupid MUST BE GOD. god in its purest form is absolute love and beauty... so therefore most things in this world are perverted, watered-down, or reversed VERSIONS of "god"- the highest reality. i have faith in that. well, it has been said that laughter is the closest thing to the grace of god.. so maybe the humor ( and subsequent laughter) in this piece is a minute glimpse of WHAT COULD BE something grander.. more articulate.. i'd be surprised if you actually turned this into an entire book though! so yah, here goes the inspired "spiritual discussion", blessings imparted. i am a believer in following the highest feeling- labeled simply as the soul!! conversations with god is not completely infallible, yet it cannot be discounted as weightless- words do have the ability to change the world/self unlike anything else. ..a deeper understanding can be revealed directly. this book changed my life in a very profound way; basically validating my feelings, opened by perception, and inspired me to live life in a different manner. wow, yknow. it went beyond words; love permeated into my experiences .. including my friendships. our friendship is like, soooo deep. haha. indeed, strange and beautiful. like- paradigm shifts, man; new revelations. like...humanities and writing. compassion. profanity. happy 2bhardcore ! i could write a poem here. its late at night, i'm writing. writing into the night. yes.... so watch out !! don't fall into the path of the dark side! fear not. it's not over. i'm pooped. discussion over. :P maybe not. |
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GOlDsparklESS Member
since 2001-12-13
Posts 428central nj |
I know this, mortal, that “love” is a crock! It’s just a second- hand emotion that you foolish humans use to self -gratify yourselves. “Love” wont save you. Nothing will! explain that sh*t. |
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Kosetsu Member
since 2001-03-10
Posts 450Alabama, USA |
Mm...I always thought of Satan as more...charismatic, I suppose, but an excellent read still. -Adam |
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darkling Member
since 2001-08-28
Posts 90altered state of mind |
I enjoyed the read, very entertaining. Though I've always imagined satan to be more charming, more sly and witty than outright disdainful. But thought provoking. Im a big fan of Dogma, and this reminds me in some way of that movie. Oooh, I just realized Dogma backwards is "Am God" wow. I feel an epiphany coming on! |
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EagleScorpion Senior Member
since 2000-03-08
Posts 1644Here, Now, Forever |
well.. i dont know about making a whole book about this anymore.. it WOULD be a good idea. but who would really buy it? and i bet neale would get a little angry that im making a parody out of his work. just an idea.. a passing thought. |
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Rainbowdust Member
since 2002-12-05
Posts 320Sydney, Australia |
I always imagined Satan to be more charming as well, but this was still a wonderful take off of Conversations with God.. (my fave book of all time)  Is there going to be a sequel? The soul would have no rainbows, had the eyes no tears. |
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Rainbowdust Member
since 2002-12-05
Posts 320Sydney, Australia |
Just remembered something you might be interested it.. there's a guy out there claiming to be Satan and who keeps a livejournal of his exploits: www.livejournal.com/users/satan_dot_com He plays the role to complete perfection and I think you'd enjoy the read! The soul would have no rainbows, had the eyes no tears. |
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fractal007 Senior Member
since 2000-06-01
Posts 1958 |
Heh, that was great. I liked your tongue and cheek dialogue. I've always wondered what a conversation with the lord of evil might be like. I like your rather intense debates and challenges that the two participants throw at eachother. This is definitely going into my library as one of those unique pieces that one doesn't see every day. "If history is to change, let it change. If the world is to be destroyed, so be it. If my fate is to die, I must simply laugh" |
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GOlDsparklESS Member
since 2001-12-13
Posts 428central nj |
heh heh heh joe this is sooooooooooooo good |
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