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quietlydying
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Senior Member
since 2001-06-10
Posts 935
the wonderful land of oz

0 posted 2002-10-11 12:01 PM


one quick thing.  that's not really the title.  it's the working title which will be changed as soon as i make up my mind.  i do have plans of continuing, but i'm having a little trouble.  seems that i have a terribly influencial mind and everytime i try to go further, i get too tired.  ::shrugs::  as well, i'm still deciding whether or not to go forwards in time, or back.  any suggestions?  once i decide, then i will be able to think about the title a little more.


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   The charcoal grey of the asphalt continued to intensify as the minutes sped by with the bright white dotted lines dissecting the roadway.  The sun had long since passed and the sky was dancing back and forth between different shades of blues and purples.  Rotted away fence posts with half entwined rusted barbed wire dotted the landscape as the small red rocket of a car coasted along the horizon.  The praries - you could drive for hours, and still feel as though you hadn’t gone ten kilometers.

   Though barely able to sit up straight, she was determined to make it in one shot.  Just another ninety kilometers or so.  Not even an hour.  Slowly her vision began to cloud.  Just a little at first.  Everything still clearly visible, the dry itchiness of her eyes a mere discomfort.  She blinked once, twice, but still no resolution.  Her environment growing foggier and foggier, she rubbed her eyes as her mouth simultaneously, and uncontrollably stretched to it’s widest possible position to let loose a horrendously exhaustive yawn.

   This was quite possibly the most lethal of her character flaws.  Not matter what, she was always right - even if she was the one to lose out.  As self-involved as she was, she admitted  she wasn’t perfect, hell nobody was.  But she was damn near close - and she didn’t need any half-wit insecure prude to tell her otherwise.  She would finish the trip in three days.

   She was struggling to keep control of her eye muscles as the windows into her soul desperately kept trying to close their shutters.  She rolled down one window, then two, and before long the tiny two door car was engulfed in the bitter cold that filled the fields surrounding her.  She blinked again, but by this time it had taken her a full three seconds to get her eyes back open.  She could make the last seventy kilometers in half an hour if she just sped up a little.  

   It was time for the next quick fix.  The sound coming from the speakers surrounding her was magnified, and the car was almost shaking to the sloppy guitar chords of her new favourite band of the week.  Tractor trailers flew by her in the opposing direction at the speed of light, almost as though they were on timed intervals.  

   She blinked again.  It took almost five seconds to reopen her eyes now and she was over-exhausted.  Everyone else had abandoned their hopes of making their destination that day and the highway was almost barren, except for the predictable roar of the semis screaming past.  Her eyelids slowly weakened even more and her powers were futile against her body’s willful desire for sleep.  Her hands cast in the eerie green glow of the various gages and displays on the dash, they slipped away from the steering wheel while her head fell into a silent bow.


/jen/


i just haven't been the same since that house fell on my sister.

[the closest thing i've found to heaven is sitting here talking to you.bif naked]

[This message has been edited by quietlydying (10-11-2002 12:04 AM).]

© Copyright 2002 jennifer elizabeth - All Rights Reserved
Christopher
Moderator
Member Rara Avis
since 1999-08-02
Posts 8296
Purgatorial Incarceration
1 posted 2002-10-11 01:00 AM


yeah - i've been here before... used to work some three hours away from home: up at three thirty, drive a few hours, work all day, drive three more hours, back home around nine. Four months straight without a single day off. I drank a LOT of mountain dew then.

Jen - this is vividly portrayed with some great description... uhm, perhaps a bit too much for such a short story? might i suggest a bit of adjective trimming. there is a lot to be said for giving a perfectly clear vision of what you're writing, but too much in such a short piece quickly overwhelms it and makes it a bit difficult for the reader to keep track of the most important part - the story.

this part is durn near perfect -
quote:
Not matter what, she was always right - even if she was the one to lose out.  As self-involved as she was, she admitted  she wasn’t perfect, hell nobody was.  But she was damn near close - and she didn’t need any half-wit insecure prude to tell her otherwise.
here, you not only have some great, straight-out prose, but you also accompany that with a feeling of the driver's attitude. it is prose with a purpose, something Ron's talked about recently in this thread.

Peace,

Christopher

Gentle Spirit
Member Patricius
since 2000-10-09
Posts 13989

2 posted 2002-10-11 08:43 AM


Very well written Jen.  I am interested in seeing where does she go next?  Great story line and very well presented.

If I have touched one heart through my words, then I have acheived my dream...

Local Parasite
Deputy Moderator 10 Tours
Member Elite
since 2001-11-05
Posts 2527
Transylconia, Winnipeg
3 posted 2002-10-11 08:14 PM


hey /jen/, here's my response to this...

I liked this, but it didn't do a great job grabbing my attention.  I think, as Chris said, you have a bit too much description and it kind of drowns out the events.  Something else that you have to be really careful of, when writing prose, is how frequently you begin your sentences in pronouns or names.  You use the word "she" so much that it becomes extremely redundant at times, especially as the first word in a sentence.

Another thing, you will want to make your lines more easy to read by throwing in some flow regulation... add a few commas, break up some of the longer sentences, give the reader time to pause in their head so that they don't find themselves droning on and on through a desert of a run-on sentence.

All your initial skills are here, but prose functions very differently than poetry does, and it seems like you had trouble deviating from old habits for the sake of writing this.

Sorry if this sounds negative, but I know you're a big girl, and you can take it.

Parasite

majnu
Deputy Moderator 5 Tours
Senior Member
since 2002-10-13
Posts 1088
SF Bay Area
4 posted 2002-10-15 06:45 PM


this is pretty cool, if a bit gruesome for what is implied. one thing, i believe when one goes down becaues of sleep deprivation there is a tunneling of vision, and loss of peripherals. you might add that.
Skyfire
Deputy Moderator 10 ToursDeputy Moderator 1 TourDeputy Moderator 1 TourDeputy Moderator 1 Tour
Member Elite
since 2000-12-27
Posts 3381
Riding
5 posted 2002-11-14 02:24 AM


Hmm... I'd definately like to see you complete this

I am a Knight who says Ni!

Chameleon
Member
since 2002-08-07
Posts 99
Australia
6 posted 2002-11-21 01:51 AM


I would too like to see it when its complete, a very good read.
the description of how character goes through the motions of alertness through to dreaming, i enjoyed.  

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