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just a deranged rambling
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just a deranged rambling |
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kaile
since 2000-02-06
Posts 5146singapore 
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Saturday, September 14, 2002 I'm supposed to be studying my organic chem notes but just can't set my mind and heart to it...it's 12.20am now and frankly, there are a lot of things i will much rather do with my time rather than playing the ever hopeless game of catching-up...i'll probably regret this the next morning(aka last day of holidays!) but heck, i thought i would scribble some words before i fight on... i think it's way ironic how i seldom have the mood for any non-studies related pursuits during term time and yet i don't exactly accomplish much with my studies either...how exactly is my youth being depleted? i want to find some god-forsaken place, sit back and reflect upon my life...think about the events that have befallen me these past few months(notably, Myanmar trip and Anderson sec school attachment), internalise those memories in my fuzzy head so that these experiences will always remain relevant, try to squeeze every ounce of contentment and euphoria i felt and spread them thick on my consciousness so that i can survive the rest of the semester relatively unscarred...which isn't much to look forward to, what with the horrible lab sessions i want to take my own sweet time to think...but time is a luxury i no longer have...even as i am typing this, i am constantly looking at the clock("Don't spend too much time rambling, you still have to study man!") what's the point of my deranged mumbling? i guess, there are a lot of things i always put off doing, thinking that i would do them during my holidays (self-indulgent reflection being one of them)...just wondering whether this is a vicious cycle i am subjecting myself to When i work in a few years' time, will i make time out for myself to accomplish the things i want to do?(since i always feel that studying is a 24hr job; working isn't) Or will i be so involved in preparing teaching materials and trying to build rapport with students that i will still find it hard pressed to find time for myself?(disclaimer: I feel that i dont study for its intrinsic benefits. I'm just going through the motions and paying my dues for a "brighter future") Will i alwyas look forward to the holidays, since this is the only time when i can unleash the real me, though cliched as it sounds? Scary thoughts huh? i guess the reason why i am taking up this journal writing is beacause i feel compelled not to let my life slip by just like that...granted that i am a procrastinator(and proud of it), i hope to find it within myself to make peace with myself... Feeling better after i took up time to write this journal....perhaps it's the wee hours of the morning and my emotions and thoughts are playing havoc on me, demanding that i appease them....ha!...just that it's 12.45am and i should probably get back to studying Grant me the strength to resume control of my life always, faterider |
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| © Copyright 2002 heng kaile - All Rights Reserved | |||
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Kethry Member Rara Avis
since 2000-07-29
Posts 9082Victoria Australia |
Kaile, did you know control is sometimes found in letting go. Excellent ramble. Kethry Here in the midst of my lonely abyss, a single joy I find...your presence in my mind. Unknown |
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