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After we said goodbye...
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After we said goodbye... |
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Neeraja Senior Member
since 2002-06-22
Posts 812The Netherlands 
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The moment you disappeared behind the door my tears started running… after I was holding them back for so long… not wanting you to remember me crying… The good thing about airports is that no one pays any attention. Somehow I found my way to the train station, and despite the heat I felt so cold… so very cold. We’ve traveled by train so many times together, that the thought of going home without you was almost unbearable. The moment I got off the train I heard an airplane, considering the time it could have been yours… I tried to find it in the sky but it was too cloudy, I just closed my eyes for a moment and pictured you in my mind… sitting in that plane… and I wondered if you were trying to look through those clouds too… thinking about me as I was thinking about you. Coming home to that empty apartment was very difficult, I cried and cried. Everywhere were signs of you… your wet towel in the shower… I buried my nose in it… the remains of your breakfast… a half glass of cold tea… I drank it… I layed down on our bed, still smelling your scent… re-living our last night together. I closed my eyes, pretending you were still with me, knowing that this would make things worse but I couldn’t stop myself from doing that. After I calmed down a bit I went to pick up Boetha from Lucy’s place, I felt like a robot, I talked with Lucy, I even smiled…but inside I felt so empty. Back home Boetha ran through the apartment looking for you, as he always did, of course that made me cry again, he couldn’t find you and he went into his bench, looking sad… really sad, and you know how expressive his little doggy face can be. I was restless, so many thoughts… the pain of seeing you leave… not knowing when we will be together again… looking around I saw you… sitting on the sofa…looking at me and working on another sketch… you playing with Boetha… I saw the box with your pencils and crayons and your sketches on the wall… so many memories… wonderful memories but now so painful to remember… I simply didn’t want to think, so I tidied things up a bit. I vacuum cleaned the flat, knowing that I was destroying all your footsteps made me cry more… I can’t remember a moment in my life that I have shed so many tears…. And I realized I couldn’t walk away from my thoughts… your energy is still in the house… that should be a comfort…but it hurt so much… I skipped lunch, instead of that I walked Boetha. At the pond I met the old man with the bouvier, he petted Boetha and told me “she” was a sweet dog, and he told me also that “your husband” is very sweet to “her” too! (I think the bouvier is a girl) He made me smile because of the words “your husband". At dinnertime I ate a handful of taco chips and swallowed it down with red wine”. I watched some TV in the evening but I can’t remember what I was watching… At 10:00 I went to bed, the bedroom was so empty my love… just a place to sleep. I took the phone with me, and despite my efforts to make myself tired during the day, I couldn’t sleep… I was laying there in our bed… missing you more then ever, and I knew that every second you were moving further away from me. After a couple of hours of tossing and turning I heard the phone ringing , it was you!!! Your voice! It was your voice… telling me that you arrived home… all we could do was saying: “I love you… I love you…”, over and over again… you sounded so tired mijn lief… so very-very tired… Knowing that you were home safe, I fell asleep with your loving words in my head, and a void in my heart. To wake up a few hours later… realizing you were not there… and it felt so wrong… so very wrong… I took a shower, made tea, no tears this time just a frozen feeling inside. Boetha was making little sounds so I opened his bench, as always he run to the bedroom first, he jumped on the bed to find it empty! He just stood there… frozen… I could see him think! Then he jumped from the bed and run to the livingroom, searching for you there…then the kitchen… back to the bedroom again… he run to the shower… put’s his nose behind the curtain… but he couldn’t find you… that moment I realized that there were still more tears to cry… I took Boetha in my arms and sunk down to the floor… together we missed you to the bottom of our hearts… Later… much later… we took a walk… the sun was shining… but I knew that it would take a long time to feel his warmth again....... © 2002 Neeraja (All rights reserved) |
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| © Copyright 2002 Neeraja Wittebrood - All Rights Reserved | |||
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VAS Member Rara Avis
since 2000-11-16
Posts 7450Oregon |
it's a heart-wrenching read, Neerja, some powerful images and sensations shown. I'm a little confused, though, with... "your husband" and a call to you that "he's home" safely. Yet you and the dog seem to expect that your home is his home, so I'm having trouble settling the juxtoposition in my mind. Whether on the shoal or on the shore, |
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Neeraja Senior Member
since 2002-06-22
Posts 812The Netherlands |
Sorry Vas... I understand the confusion. "He" is not my husband (yet) but my friend... and his home is in America... while my home is in Holland... I hope it's all clear now? Smile... Neeraja |
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