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Long read the first entry if you dont want to read it all :)
| Passions in Prose |
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Long read the first entry if you dont want to read it all :) |
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Match Member
since 2002-07-01
Posts 286Canada Edmonton 
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No Bliss Letters to no one in paticular........ September 2 I guess are summer fling is over,Back to school at least i'll still see you. I can remember everything you said, I remember everything you say, Funny how that is I never remember what I say. Im on the verge of tears If only you knew you'd probably cry too. Was communication the problem? , Im sorry I culdn't tell you things , I can't tell anyone the things I hide. It's not my fault. Or is it? Actually it dose not really matter I put all the blame on me . But you broke up with me maybe thats what shocks me .... I mean .... Well I don't really know what I mean but I do know that I loved you and still do. I also know that we can't go back and I try to hide these feelings but they are so complicated that I had to tell someone. So naturally I told you. Did this scare you? Why did I tell you? How could I do such a stupid thing? I have no clue but what I know is that ill never show my emmotions again they made you and me both weak and ill become hard on the outside nothin will be able to pierce my soul , nothing will take the nip out of my tounge . Really ill never tell you this maybe you'll stumble upon it , Maybe not. It's just ramblings of a twisted, mortal, confusing, annoyed, teenager, and the world will never make sense. September.4 Youre dating somone else actually im ok with this but why her? I mean shes great actually I know her because she is my friend and shes yours aswell......... To nice for you. You need to move on right? Well so do I , and I am I think. Everything is so complicated. You and me are to diffrent I hid behind you , you hid me from all those freaks I envy. Why cant I be them. Today I smiled at the stupidest thing , Im glad I smiled, Im slowly learning how to smile . Im in a very thinking mood its quite weird because I realise that Ive said so many stupid things in my life. I dont even want to go into them .......... but you know some of them like those 3 words I mumbled to you over the phone. They probably scared you , It was meant to be a prank...... You took it seriously ........ Maybe it was , actually I know it was . Why am I blocked out , You refuse to talk to me. Why? I know about you and her and the lying. Why lie? Just sit in the inocence look of your face, you look to honest to be the liar you are. Maybe i make you out to be to mean . But I do belive that im all to blame , If only I could talk of all the things i've done or lied about .......... But my silence is for the best. September.5 Nothing ever changes. Im always me and I looked up some old things and can remember these words "I hate being me". Why would you say that? You are the carefree happy one, who is a good boy. Who is the virgin, non exsperienced kisser, the one who other peoples parents adore. You've never been to the office for a bad reason, I've been there atleast 20 times. So why hate being you when really I'm the one who should hate being me. September.7 I woke up today the sun peeled through the curtians , making me in a bitter mood, Like the sun shouldn't shine when im in a bad mood. Im so shelfish why would I think like that? Who knows? Even I have no clue. Not like it matters this is just a lame letter to no one, Im mad at myself today an likely it has something to do with "You". Maybe you were happy this morning and I could sense it thus making me bitter and foul. I know thats not right you have to be happy. I want you to be happy. September.8 What can I say today was a good day but also bad , I ran into you at the mall, wohoooo I was very happy to see you. Untill I saw her standing behind you almost hidden as if I wouldnt notice her. Why did she try to hide? I wouldnt hurt her, I know the secret people tell me things. My first instinct was to rip her eyes out I could take her , But I thought wisely and decided to be kind she was after all my friend. Right? So I chatted with you and her and I had a couple laughs then we parted and I had this nawing feeling inside. She isn't such an angel, you'll probably kiss her more. Now i'm just depressed. September.9 Well today I actually called some poeple , I was sick of wallowing . So I called a few people but ended up doing nothing. Maybe ill call you , NO! You might just not answer like always. God times like these I wish I had a true friend. Somone I told everything to. Nothing to hide . My family just wouldn't understand. I need to be at peace with myself. Everything I think or do is useless ....... I can never change. September.12 It's worse now I can see you everywhere your name is in all my text books. I can't escape the hell of seeing you. I heard a rumour that you might change classes. Is it because you and her have that connection we didn't? Or is it that you can't stand the stench of being around me? September.13 I can't take it anymore , you said that public affection was bad , But now you go and kiss her infront of the whole school. Was being with me so bad that you had to hide from your friends or even your classmates. Remember the time that you saw some people and you ran all the way around the block to get away. Maybe thats what screwed up the relationship, actually we never really had a relationship it was all the drama. I really need to get over you but I still smell you on me your smell is so sweet and good , it clams down my wretched thoughts. If I don't leave this place soon I think i'm going to barf my food out. My lunch by the way was a good full helping of cheese fries and two slices of cherry pie. I need to fatten myself up, its better then wallowing in you. Tonight maybe ill call some more people I know...... Maybe ill even call you, If only I could dial those easy didgits. Im going to eat more pie. September.14 Someone called me today. I do not know who, nor prbably never will. My mom answered the phone and thought I was at school when actually I was in my closet having a nice nap. I had decided to come home early you were really getting to me. Naturally my mother dear didn't take a message, like it was so hard to find a friggin pen to erite down a name at least! We really should get caller ID. I've told my mom a billion times that anyone who is anyone has caller ID. Her simple reply everytime is "I guess we are not anyone". She usually says this with a grin and a small chuckle. Parents should learn to listean! Setember.16 I decided to stay at school today . Didn't want to get caught skipping. Im leaning against my locker when you come walking up. At frist your strides were confident but when you got closer you took smaller steps and looked around as though you were lost. Were you lost? I could smell you. Your smell the intoxication of my heart.I had my eyes closed, didn't want you to see the salted tears watering in them. It was to risky to show my emmotions. They had screwed me over to many times before. I looked at you,your cool icy blue eyes looking into my shivering brown ones. Hi Hi ( I bit my lip to keep from screaming.) Do you think I could have my jacket back? I gave it to you back then but I need to give it to my new girl now , You understand right? (No! Why is it her and not me?) That is what I wanted to say but all I did was nod handing over the jacket to you. You were off down the hallway, you ran to her lifting her up. I saw you put the jacket on her and pull her tight against your hard solid chest. She would be able to hear your heart and you would march down the hallway to the beat of it. My vision went blurry after that. My emmotions were at it again. I cant see past all the pain and torture that goes on in the places we call, |
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| © Copyright 2002 Ashley Schell - All Rights Reserved | |||
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Gemini Senior Member
since 1999-12-15
Posts 1203Wisconsin, USA |
Ah, the roller coaster effect of love and loss and for a couple days feeling good then bad again. It's all a part of healing and I would say you are dealing with the pain of loss very well. Your words express your feelings with much emotional qualities from the heart. Give yourself time, lots of time, and please go easy on yourself as you are special, I can tell that by the way you write. |
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