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Alan
Senior Member
since 2000-09-12
Posts 1499
right next door

0 posted 2001-10-16 08:49 PM


The Storm
It was a cold Hallows eve that I decided to go camping.  It had been partly cloudy all day with a gentle southern wind blowing and I just wanted out of the house.  I called my neighbors asked them to watch over the place and told them where I would be if they needed me.  So I proceeded to pack to leave.  I had been having the same dream every night. Even in death she haunted me.  With fiery eyes and a heavenly voice.  She taunted me from the grave; it was slowly driving me out of my mind.  The love of my life, “ My Lady Love”,  died a year ago today.  
I was going to where we had planned to spend our honeymoon.  A little cabin on the southern side of the Canadian Rockies over looking the lake in the valley below, she loved it there.  She would walk to her own little spot and stay for hours watching the wildlife.  She had been there when the storm hit.  A northern blast roared in dropping temperatures by fifty degrees in less then three minutes.  Then the raging snow hit blowing so hard you couldn’t see.  We searched for her for days before we found her, leaned against a tree facing the valley.  She had a brown-eyed Susan in one hand and a note to me in the other.  It said, ”Honey don’t grieve for me. I died doing what I loved. I will be with you always in your heart and soon we shall be together again forever. I shall always love you.“  I left the note behind in a drawer at the cabin.
I could feel her presence through out the drive. It was as if she were sitting in the seat next to me. I stopped to get gas at a station just below the border. When I went in to pay the man inside, he made a comment about having a pretty wife. I told him my wife was dead and that I had no one with me.  When I went to get in my car I found a single brown-eyed Susan in the seat. I picked it up with shaky hands and just stared in disbelief. I looked around but saw no one.  The closer I got to the lake the stronger her presence got.  Finally I pulled into the lodge to get the keys. When I told the man what cabin I wanted, he told me it was closed. They had not opened it since I was in it last. I insisted that he give me that cabin, finally he agreed. He and his wife followed me up to the cabin, saying they just wanted to make sure it was safe. We walked down the path; he said it had not been cleaned since last year. I said it would be fine. On the way to cabin he noticed the flower and asked where I got it. When I told him about the station he turned white. He told me that none of the flowers had bloomed this year.
When we entered the cabin you could have heard a pin drop. It was spotless and on the table was a vase of flowers. I turned to him saying, “ I thought you said no one had been in it?” He told me that it had been kept locked. I said ok, with a smile. Knowing now who had did it.  After I unpacked I set down to enjoy some Iron-man beer, I got two out. One for you and one for me, cause we sat right here a year ago and shared two.  Being tired I drank mine and turned in. Again you came to me in my dreams this time it was so real. Finally dawn broke and it was a beautiful morning. When I got to the table I saw that both beers had been drank. I had almost decided that I had drank both but then I noticed the caps. One setting on top of each other bottom to bottom, just the way you did it. I checked the door; it was locked from the inside. I had a warm feeling run through me that caused me to smile.
I went outside into the morning air, thinking there is nothing better. The sun was up, with very few clouds and a gentle southern breeze blowing. It was turning into a picture prefect day so I decided to go to the lake. On the way down to the lake I did not see the first flower. I spent the rest of the day watching the birds play on the lake. It was getting dark by the time I made it back to the cabin. It had been most relaxing day I that I had in months. I got out a beer and sat down on the porch to watch the moon come up. Just one more thing that we shared on our honeymoon. In the moons reflection on the lake I thought I saw you dancing. Deciding that it was the beer I decided to turn in .As I walked through the door I would have sworn I heard you say,” goodnight my love,” just as you always did. Startled I turned and found nothing but the wind blowing through the trees.
The next day started out just the same, beautiful. I decided to go up the mountain to her private spot. It looked as if your death had taken all the color out of the area.  Again I heard you calling me in the wind. This time it was sounding different. As I continued onward you got louder saying go back. Ignoring it, I thought I was just hearing things I went on. Finally I got to your tree then I saw why you liked it here so much. The view was astonishing, you could see for miles. As I heard your voice saying run, the shy turned black and the wind began to howl. Just like it did the day you died.  I started back as the snow hit.  I could not see to take a step it was snowing so hard. Over the wind and the howling snow I heard you calling me, “ saying come to me.” I answered you saying I could not see. It was then that I felt a familiar touch upon my hands.  It was “My Lady Love” saving my life. She guided my steps to the cabin below. Once inside I felt her lips upon mine, it was a kiss of pure love from an angel. Then she was gone, as I sat down at the table I saw the two beers both opened. I drank one and went to bed. It was the best nights sleep I had gotten in a very long time.
As I left the next morning I found a note saying” Honey don’t grieve for me. I died doing what I loved. I will be with you always in your heart and soon we shall be together again forever. I shall always love you.“  I left the note behind in a drawer at the cabin. I looked up the mountain and said that I shall be back come spring. In the wind I heard her say…”I’ll be waiting.”

[This message has been edited by Alan (edited 10-16-2001).]

© Copyright 2001 Alan - All Rights Reserved
Startime
Member Ascendant
since 2000-10-03
Posts 5918
Canada
1 posted 2001-10-17 01:44 AM


STUNNING!!!ABSOLUTELY STUNNING!!!!I was captivated from beginning to end. MAGNIFICENT STORY, ALAN.
Wesley the Blue
Member
since 1999-09-02
Posts 426
Forest Lake, MN, USA
2 posted 2001-10-17 01:55 AM


Ok, I said people would critique, so I guess I will be the first.

over all it was a wonderful story with plenty of imagry and a good flow.  The first paragraph seems to jump a bit towards the end.

"So I proceeded to pack to leave.  I had been having the same dream every night. Even in death she haunted me.  With fiery eyes and a heavenly voice.  She taunted me from the grave; it was slowly driving me out of my mind.  The love of my life, “ My Lady Love”,  died a year ago today."

To me that just seems too quick a ransition, I dont know what you can really do with it other than soften it with something instead of jumping right into talking about "her"

other than that its mostly little gramatical errors that I picked up, such as

"Knowing now who had did it."

or the past tense of "drink" I think is "drunk" but I could be wrong on that one.

Still a wonderful story and Im glad you shared it with us.  I hope to read more of your work in the future.  Keep writing.

"Never underestimate the power of idiots in larget groups."

Dee
Member Elite
since 2000-08-19
Posts 2330
Queensland, Australia
3 posted 2001-10-17 06:49 AM


Hey Alan, loved the story   Check your email for a more in depth crit  

Dee

I wish you every happiness and may you always have the best of the good things in life.     a brand

HopeS
Member Elite
since 2000-12-22
Posts 4596
Perth Western Australia
4 posted 2001-10-17 11:00 AM


Like I said at The Meadow and like we spoke about online this was .......
Excellent to read Alan !!!
It had an eeriness about it , but also sadness
it was heartfelt and touching , I was certainly touched ?? I am glad I came over to read again
Hope

Alan
Senior Member
since 2000-09-12
Posts 1499
right next door
5 posted 2001-10-17 11:15 AM


Startime.thanks

Wesley.thank you.your points on it were well founded..

Dee.Thank you..your email was helpful

Hope..I know how you feel about stories so your reading this twice makes it that much more special. I hope you like the finished product as well as you did this. at this time i have no plans on posting it anywhere.
SO email or wiat until we talk tonight to let me know. Thanks for being such a great friend.
alan

HopeS
Member Elite
since 2000-12-22
Posts 4596
Perth Western Australia
6 posted 2001-10-17 11:25 AM


Thanks Alan just recieved the update
much appreciated
Hope

SEA
Deputy Moderator 10 ToursDeputy Moderator 5 Tours
Moderator
Member Seraphic
since 2000-01-18
Posts 22676
with you
7 posted 2001-10-18 09:58 AM


Alan, this is a fantastic story.....very heart felt....wow, I don't know what to say really.....you took me to the cabin, and let me feel the longing.....very well done.  
The Lady of Shallot
Senior Member
since 2001-10-03
Posts 818
USA
8 posted 2001-10-31 04:34 PM


I would say go with more specific imagery, it read "too cold" more emotion is needed, it's got to be emotional right?  It just didn't grab me in the right spot, you know?
Make the words original, so unusual that when reading them, the reader won't forget.
"beautiful" is an overdone word. Write it as if it were poetry only in prose form.
I don't know if this helps or not but there's something missing. I like the theme,
the entire story but it was too "read" I felt like someone was reading this to me instead of me reading it.
(Oh, entirely too much use of the word "when")
and let me give you an example of sentence structure
you wrote:
"It was a cold Hallows eve that I decided to go camping. "

more effective, brings the noun FIRST, makes more impact.

I decided to go camping one cold Hallows Eve.
much less wordy but says the same thing.

hope this helps.

-befriend yourself and you will never be alone-

[This message has been edited by The Lady of Shallot (edited 10-31-2001).]

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