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Hiding Fear
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Hiding Fear |
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Sunshine
Administrator
Member Empyrean
since 1999-06-25
Posts 63354Listening to every heart 
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This is not easy. Everyone is saying “you’ll do fine,” and this is not easy. There are going to be several dozen of people present, possibly a hundred, maybe more, and this is not easy. But then, what is? Preparing a presentation is one thing, and topics or themes should come easy to a person who wants to write. But when one is not in charge of a script, or can set the theme, things don’t come that easy. Trust me on this one. Soon, very soon, in less days than encompass a month; in fact, from this date, three weeks and two days from now, I will be in a position that will not be easy. I will be giving a speech. I put this here, and now, because I am anxious. I thought if I spoke of my fear, I would overcome that which constricts my mind. A long time ago, I learned to speak before audiences. That in itself is mind-blowing for a woman who stuttered in her childhood, turned shy at a direct stare, and hung her head in the presence of others. Self-esteem, I had not. Today, I have a silver of it, and hang on to it like the lifeline it is. To speak before an audience of strangers is one thing. Most likely, I would never see strangers again. But I am speaking before an organization that, in some cases, the members have known me for ten years. I cannot hide, for they have elevated me to a position they believe I can handle. I believe I can handle the position as well. That is not what worries me. In this particular instance, the Theme of the talk is what spearheads the next year of the association to which I belong. This year’s theme centers around and about family. My hands grow cold. I believe, and I always shall, that I was raised by a wonderful mother and father. They had their faults. I have my fault in overlooking their faults, and will not, and have never, laid blame. The three siblings, while raised under one roof, and even while the parents attempted to raise us, one on one, three by three, same as same, are all individuals, as it should be. I do not understand my siblings, and often wonder, “is it my job to do so?” I helped raise them, a bit, being the oldest. I believe they love me. I love them. Still, a “Nelson” family we were not. Or perhaps we were? My parents were in love, and lived in providing and giving love. I grew up to think that divorce was a word that was non-existent in my family. That is called “naïve.” And I was. I readily admit this. But when it came to expectations, I was expected to “do well”, “make proud”, “don’t disappoint”. The words were not said, but it was “expected.” As times went on and times changed, as change comes, I knew that my folks lowered their expectations. I am sorry for that. I am sorry that some decades and generations ago, families started a decline we have yet to come back from. I am even more sorry that I got caught up in the degeneration of generations. And for this, and because of this, because of my own shortcomings, I have failed, in my eyes. Probably not in yours, as some have said to me, “so it goes.” I know better, and sit here, quietly, in my own room, silently shaking my head. Many would tell me I did my best. Well to some, perhaps, yes, I did. Others would say, well, otherwise. I live with Otherwise. So I prepare a speech on family. I keep it away from families in general, my family in particular. I center on what our association is as a family. I try to incorporate what makes a family, without pointing with pride to anything in particular. And I say this, toward the ending: "F stands for faith. What we have in each other, and is what keeps us going, and growing in the knowledge that someone has placed their faith in us. “A stands for Ambition. Some of our members change within their own nucleus. Some of us have to leave this association to pursue other goals. Some of us stay, but revise and renew our professional lives accordingly in order to grow. None of us stagnate. “M stands for Members and Mentoring. Whether one serves on the board, on various committees, or participates by sharing knowledge, that experience shared does not end, but begins a new cycle. The member who mentors with their education and wisdom imparts history to this organization. “I stands for Intelligence. Any person who goes beyond their “job” and makes a career does it by interacting with others who have the same goals. They take what they know and add to it daily, by listening and by sharing. Intelligent people are those who continue to strive. "L stands for Learning and Living. Both encompass a giving of one’s self and our members continue to give of their time, talents, and energies to those who would live to learn. “Y stands for Youth and Yesterday. We bring in the young members of our legal profession and mentor them with yesterday’s achievements so that they will have vision for the tomorrows to come, in order for them to take this organization and lead it on to better moments.” So, I leave it. I believe in all of the above, and I believe I can still make a difference. I may not have done as well as I could with my family, but I have this habit of adopting people into my life. I look on them as more than friends, and sometimes, more than family. I try to make a difference. I shall continue to try. I don’t know where these genetics of mine came from, but somehow, I am not willing to let them go. Is it possible? Can one person be a “family?” I hide my fear. |
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| © Copyright 2001 Karilea Rilling Jungel - All Rights Reserved | |||
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Marilyn Member Elite
since 1999-09-26
Posts 2621Ontario, Canada |
Sunshine, family's are made up of many different things. Some family's have no blood relation, so to much blood relation...lol. Family has to do with ones capacity to love and give. When we care and respect people they become our family. I have friends that are my family because I love them so much. Do not be afraid my friend. I have faith in you and your abilities. I believe you will do wonderfully with your presentation. Fear is something none of us can avoid but without fear there can be no courage.  Marilyn. |
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Sunshine
Administrator
Member Empyrean
since 1999-06-25
Posts 63354Listening to every heart |
Marilyn, I so appreciate you reading this. As soon as I posted it, I thought "what did I do that for" and if nothing else, I know I can put my faults before all, and those who choose to comment...and those who choose not to....it really doesn't matter. I bypassed the fear of letting people know I am human and make mistakes... and I'm not dead yet! So, what doesn't kill me, helps me, right? Thanks for reading, and for taking time to give a comment. I'm still a bit anxious, but too busy to stop and worry about it! Hugs, Sun |
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Martie
Moderator
Member Empyrean
since 1999-09-21
Posts 28049California |
Karilea--this is wonderful...I love the honest look at your life and family...and the way you relate it too what you are doing...If you use the FAITH in your presentation I think if will be wonderful. I had a friend who told me that the way to grow as a person is to do something every day that you're afraid of. I haven't followed his advice too often, but I think what he said is meaningful. He was a very wise man. |
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Sunshine
Administrator
Member Empyrean
since 1999-06-25
Posts 63354Listening to every heart |
Thank you Martie. Four days to go. Wish me luck! |
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