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Maverick Wolf
Member

since 1999-11-13

Posts 94
Scandia, MN

0 posted 2001-02-26 09:40 PM

Welcome to the traveler's mind.

Is it fate, or a twisted reality? The trip was perfect. Beautiful sights, wonderful company. What else could be better? Of course, all good things have to come to an end. Time for the trip home.

It could be so simple. Take a jump and experience the thrill. It could be so simple if it wasn't an act of betrayal. But is it really? Would he know? Of course he would. But why did he have to tell? It really would be so easy. He isn't here, and she is. Why can't I ask? Is it morals? Lack of confidence? Confusion?!?! It could be great, or it could be disasterous, or it could be both at the same time. Wait, she'd never say yes, who am I kidding? I wish I could explain my dilema to her. Maybe she could help. But what would I say? How could I say it? I can't. The agony. Don't tell me that others suffer far much more than I. I know that. It's just that this dilema seems more real somehow. Maybe it's the waft of her purfume through the air. The anguish, the desire, the doubt, the mystery. Thank goodness it's only a two hour flight.

Yesterday's history, tomorrow's a mystery, and today is a gift. That's why they call it the present.

Midnight Dew
Member

since 2001-01-07

Posts 50
Forest Lake, MN

1 posted 2001-02-26 10:23 PM

Wow. To use your format-as someone who doesn't know you, I kinda like it, it represents the conflict very nicely. It's short, sweet, and to the point, which you know is my favorite style. It's a very interesting piece overall.

As someone who does know you...I don't know what to say.

~Caitlin Hull~

"The Holy Spirit makes up all our souls, and when it 'flexes' it makes us do great things."

Dawn Eclipse
Senior Member

since 2000-01-31

Posts 637
The Horsehead Nebula

2 posted 2001-02-26 10:30 PM

Interesting story Jason.. what inspired this? I like how you asked questions to get your point across. Nice idea.

"Forget regret, or life is yours to miss. No other course, no other way... No day but today"
~Broadway Musical RENT~

*Cassandra Roseen*

Alwye

Moderator

Member Elite

since 1999-06-16

Posts 3850
In the space between moments

3 posted 2001-02-26 10:44 PM

A nice start here Jason, but do you mind if I make some suggestions? First off, the idea and thoughts were good, but the format in which you wrote tended to make me a little confused. Maybe if you broadened your ideas...told us about the girl, about the trip in general, the things that lead to this moment in the main characters life. Why is the main character considering these things? What would be the consequences? The rewards? Overall, a good beginning, but as is this needs much more explanation. I'd like to see a rewrite, I think you could make this into something truly interesting.

*Krista Knutson*

I'm a slow dying flower
In a frost-killing hour
The sweet turning sour and untouchable...
-Natalie Merchant

Dusk Treader

Moderator

Senior Member

since 1999-06-18

Posts 1187
St. Paul, MN

4 posted 2001-02-26 11:17 PM

I agree with Krista's ideas for this piece. Right here I think you have the skeleton, but it need to be fleshed out. Create reasons and scenes for all the questions. Draw out the girl for us. As it stands this seems to be just a stream of consciousness that could have come from any point for any reason. This could be made into a great tale, methinks.

"And every state of mind, left to itself, every shutting up of the creature within the dungeon of its own mind - is, in the end, Hell" - C.S. Lewis

Secret Whisper
Member

since 2001-01-25

Posts 298
Through the Looking Glass

5 posted 2001-02-27 11:15 AM

I agree... Good sights, good food, good company. But yes, all good things have to come to an end.

"I wish I could explain my dilema to her. Maybe she could help. But what would I say? How could I say it? I can't." .... and why can't you?

I went on a trip not too long back and it was like tasting heaven in brief, wonderful bites. But yes reality came back, leaving me starving for that morsel of happiness. But that doesn't degrade the memory... that can only be perfect.

You had two hours you say? What did you do with that??????

"Close your eyes, and you'll see. Cover your ears, and you'll hear."

JOY 14
Senior Member

since 1999-09-22

Posts 1419
Wisconsin USA

6 posted 2001-02-27 03:51 PM

So many questions. My head is spinning. Was yours? I agree with the others, about a re-write. But I do like the concept of thoughts on a plane ride an awful lot.

Joy

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