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Rimed Victories |
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Dusk Treader
Moderator
Senior Member
since 1999-06-18
Posts 1187St. Paul, MN 
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This is the first piece I've written with any quality in quite a long time. I like this piece a lot and think the end fits with me philosophy of life. Please, read and enjoy. Expanses of snow stretched endlessly in all directions to meet a horizon utterly devoid of color. Impotent sunrays glittered on the shifting mantle with a fury that sent spikes of pain through my eyes. I stopped and blindly ripped a strip of silk from my tattered finery and bound my eyes fast against the glare. The band of silk made the light tolerable and with only one glance at my mired back trail I kept moving. The wind began to whip around me in a dervish of stinging ice as the sun began to fall on my right. Two days I had been out in this barren snowscape. My last memories of sleep were a few restless hours of nightmare ridden torment yesterday night. Each step sent pain screaming up my nerves from the open blisters on my feet. My mind was swiftly drawn from trivial pain as I heard the anticipatory wail of the hunting wolf. A second and a then a third followed the first cry. My horse must have made good it’s escape while I was sleeping, or the wolves wouldn’t be so eager to hunt. I cursed loudly. The stupid beast had been spooked by the lupines’ starvation wrought calls and fled into the night without even the good grace of offering the predators a meal. There was no way I could stop now, not without fear of snapping jaws and vicious canines. I estimated the foothills were only about five miles from where I stood and the city of Dishar lay only three miles beyond that. A rather momentous distance considering the twenty or so miles I had put behind me that day. I would only stop to eat the remnants of my food before I would begin the final leg of my journey. I took the home baked biscuits from my pocket along with a flask of water. I consumed my meager meal while vainly attempting to fend off painful images. No matter what I tried I couldn’t help but see the mother who had baked my meal lying ravaged in the razed ruins of Vilshain. Shaking off the vision and its sorrow I staggered to my feet. I had abandoned my hometown to act in my position of courier for the detachment of troops at Vilshain. Futilely I tried to justify my cowardice through all the lives I would save by alerting Lord Dylari. The sun had offered little warmth as I traveled throughout the day but as darkness settled the cold became empty. I lurched on in misery as winds stole the life from my limbs and froze the sweat of exertion to my skin. When the moon was poised a breath over the horizon I began to enter the steeper ravines and hills before the city of Dishar. The cold had dulled from stinging pain to numbness. As I walked onward a vague warmth began to move through my body. It added clarity to my mind and soon even my foolishly dark thoughts began to dissipate. The heat was so inviting! It warmed my thoughts and I was soon laughing at my former fear of the icy plain. A thought of the wolves brought images of little plush lap dogs romping through the snow. I couldn’t help but laugh, until my raw cawing was reverberating off the hills in frozen peals. The hilarity I drew from the situation ended in wracking coughs and finally silence. The utter tranquility and the warmth I felt soon weighed heavily on my eyelids. Sleep would be such a blessing; there was nothing to fear in this place. Giggles arose at a final vision of warm canine tongues washing my face, as I slowly sank into the lifeless embrace of the snow and all faded from stark white to impenetrable black. When sight returned I was not assaulted by sheer white of snow or the curtain of night, but by a hazy gray, as if all the land was swathed in mist. My thoughts were astonishingly lucid, a stark contrast to what my senses screamed in my mind. There was no cold, no chill wind biting my skin or any sensation at all for that matter. As I swiftly rose to my feet there was no crunch of snow, no protest of weary muscles. Too many fireside spook tales made me cast my gaze at my feet and to my chagrin found exactly what the tales said would be there. My own form lay crumpled below me; the skin was already blue and hung with ice. I screamed mindlessly, but there was no sound, only an unearthly silence. I stopped abruptly and wept soundlessly. Memories of my hypothermia induced delirium ran through my mind as despair's talons sank into me and I fled for the only humanity I knew. As I rushed on towards Dishar mantled in dread, blackness began to well on the horizon like a smudge of storms. This darkness consumed though and I watched as it grew closer. Desperation gave my unearthly form speed and soon I found myself within the walls of the great city. Not a sound arose from the gathered masses as I flitted from person to person outpouring my story of war in silent shouts. All the while keeping one eye on the encroaching darkness. The walls of black were rearing all around me now and the futility of my pleas weighed heavily upon my shoulders. I sank to the ground under the force of pure despair and wept again. What was I doing? Rang through my mind, I couldn’t give up! A village had burned, the village of my birth! All I knew were dead, myself included, and if I did nothing the beauty of Dishar would be wiped from the earth. I stood erect as the ominous cloud waxed ethereal. “To arms! To arms my friends and my countrymen! The legions of the Mountain King Velarrix ride for our lands! Let all of age bear arms against the destroyer of Vilshain!” I cried. All the people turned and stared at the podium of the high king on its high balcony. The gilt edged doors were flung open and Dylari stepped forth, wasting no time he began to speak, “You hear right, my people! The body of a fallen Vilshain messenger has been found with a message bearing the same words. Do not fear, we shall prevail and avenge those of Vilshain!” I slowly blinked spiritual eyes for threat of tears of joy and opened them to an explosion of white light and was lifted in its embrace on the wing of forgotten summer breezes. Abrahm Simons "And every state of mind, left to itself, every shutting up of the creature within the dungeon of its own mind - is, in the end, Hell" - C.S. Lewis [This message has been edited by Dusk Treader (edited 02-25-2001).] |
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| © Copyright 2001 Abrahm Simons - All Rights Reserved | |||
LoveBug
Moderator
Member Elite
since 2000-01-08
Posts 4697 |
Abe, this is magnificant! As usual, the description and imagery is perfection, and the story itself is just amazing. I love the ending line, especally. You've done yourself proud once more!  "Men judge generally more by the eye than by the hand, for everyone can see and few can feel."-Machiavelli |
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Pearls_Of_Wisdom Member
since 2000-09-02
Posts 175 |
Hi Dusk Treader, Once again, I have to admire your skill in description. This was imaginative and ambitious. You succeeded in creating a fantasy world of your own. I'm not quite sure what to make of this piece. I have a few suggestions that you are free to take or leave as you see fit. I think my few complaints could be eliminated if you shorted this a little (it seemed to drag a little in places), and if you cut out some of the adverbs. A few adverbs (i.e. words that end in -ly) here and there are fine, but using too many, IMHO, made the narration sound a little melodramatic. I mean, once you've conveyed the character's state of mind, we readers can probably guess for ourselves how he screamed, how he looked, etc. Leave some of it up to us; let us use our imaginations too. I think you have a wonderful skill in giving lots of sensory and emotional detail, but using it sparingly might be more powerful. That way, we could get lots of detail on the most important elements of the story and be able to focus on those. I did like the way, at one point, you made us think that the character was talking, when it was that other person speaking the same words. That was neat. I also liked the ending. I was expecting something much more depressing, and this was a nice surprise. I thought the last paragraph / sentence was neat, but I would suggest making the last sentence into a complete sentence, because it technically isn't at the moment. I know that artistic licence can be a good thing, but perhaps the last sentence should be complete. ("Warm light that..." is a continuation of the last sentence. You could have used a comma in between the two, but I agree with the dramatic impact of seperating it into two sentences.) Eg. "The warm light wrapped me in its [it's means it is] folds and carried me on the wing of forgotten summer breezes." [I'd suggest not ending a story with ... because that idea is conveyed anyway. Anyhow, let me know what you think of my suggestions. Thanks for the read! Ashley |
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Alwye
Moderator
Member Elite
since 1999-06-16
Posts 3850In the space between moments |
Welcome back to the world of writing, love! A fabulous tale here, I enjoyed reading. Keen, unique images here and I especially loved the idea of the moon being a breath under the horizon....that really struck me. Exellent work my dear, I'm glad to see ya back!  *Krista Knutson* I'm a slow dying flower In a frost-killing hour The sweet turning sour and untouchable... -Natalie Merchant |
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Dawn Eclipse Senior Member
since 2000-01-31
Posts 637The Horsehead Nebula |
Wow Abe! What a tale you have here. Welcome back to writing! about time too... i've missed your vivid images in a tale that leaves me wanting more. Wonderful story.  "Forget regret, or life is yours to miss. No other course, no other way... No day but today" ~Broadway Musical RENT~ *Cassandra Roseen* |
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Wesley the Blue Member
since 1999-09-02
Posts 426Forest Lake, MN, USA |
I realy enjoyed this one. Good to read your stuff again. Keep writing man. Keith every day is a new day with which we can change the world |
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Dusk Treader
Moderator
Senior Member
since 1999-06-18
Posts 1187St. Paul, MN |
Erica - Thank you for the encouragement, I really appreciate it! Ashley - Thank you for your insight, your pseudonym is quite fitting, I think. I've done a little rewriting to try and fix some of the things you pointed out. My thanks for the critique, it was well recieved. Krista - I'm glad you enjoyed it, love. Thank you for reading and supporting!  Cassie - Thank you for reading and replying Cassie. Hopefully more stories will be on the way Keith - Thanks for the reply Keith. I'm glad you enjoyed it "And every state of mind, left to itself, every shutting up of the creature within the dungeon of its own mind - is, in the end, Hell" - C.S. Lewis |
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Silkdragon Member
since 2000-06-24
Posts 65 |
Well, Abe, this was a truly excellent read. I think it's one of your best works on here, actually. Very well written, you use words beautifully. You'll recall, after I first read one of your stories, I said you should read the "Light and Shadow" books. That's why. Your style seems similar. ^_^ Anyway, I particularly liked this part: The stupid beast had been spooked by the lupines’ starvation wrought calls and fled into the night without even the good grace of offering the predators a meal. I don't know, I just liked how you put that together. ^_^ All in all, good job! Erin |
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