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Coming Home |
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Midnight Dew Member
since 2001-01-07
Posts 50Forest Lake, MN |
He walked into their home, a bundle of red roses in his hand, a hopeful dream in his heart. Today was the day. He was finally going to make what they had into something more, although how it could be, he didn’t know. The ring was in his pocket. Funny how that thin gold band with the translucent stone atop it could mean so much. Yet it did. He had loved her for five years and she him. From the time she had been his waitress at the local diner. He had smiled back at her and left her a big tip. On one dollar bill he had written his name and his number and two words. Call me. And she had. That dollar bill was now framed on the wall. A shrine to their love. They were happy. He didn’t know why he had waited so long to ask her. Something always seemed to come up to delay things. But she understood, and made him love her more for it. And now the time was come. He shut the door behind him and slipped off his shoes. “Sweetheart?” He called up the stairs. “Are you home?” No one answered. He paused, the house felt somehow empty without her sweet voice singing back a response. He shrugged to himself, assuming that she was upstairs somewhere and could not hear him. He walked up the stairs slowly, calling as he went. “Sweetheart, are you here?” Again, no answer. He walked through their home; their elegant castle that she had made their own in some special way. They had found such joy in decorating it, in finding special items to call their own. He started down the hallway to their bedroom, noting yet again the cleanliness of the stark white hallway. “Love, are you down here?” They had decided on white because they both thought it was bright and summery, suited to their lifestyle together. Full of joy. His eyes then noticed the stain marring the white. Scarlet rivulets spreading out from a pool of red. Red that matched the flowers he held in his hand still. He pushed open the door and saw her crumpled shape lying on the floor before him. “Love? What’s wrong?” Even as his eyes took in the fact that the scarlet streamed from her, his heart refused to accept that as truth. He looked around for some sort of explanation as to why she was just lying there. His eyes took in the broken window, the naked knife lying on the floor, the huge bruises on her face, the mats in her golden hair from being pulled. “Sweetheart? Talk to me,” was all he could say as he knelt in the scarlet and gathered her into his arms. Her soft body yielded to him, yet felt different. He knelt, trying to nail down that difference, even as he continued to call to her. “Sweetheart? Honey? Love?” He stared down into her vacant eyes, still blue as the sky at midnight and tears formed in his emerald ones. He realized what was missing from her body. The warmth, the spirit that infused her was dissipating. He could no longer feel it. Everything clicked into place and the tears disappeared. His eyes were clear as he gathered his dead wife, for she was his wife in everything except name, closer to him and bent his head over her. He stayed like that for moments, passing through time. An eternity it seemed, yet no time at all. Then he raised his head and he screamed. ~Caitlin Hull~ "The Holy Spirit makes up all our souls, and when it 'flexes' it makes us do great things." Like write! |
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| © Copyright 2001 Caitlin Hull - All Rights Reserved | |||
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Maverick Wolf Member
since 1999-11-13
Posts 94Scandia, MN |
Talk about a twist. The beginning leaves us all expecting a nice, happy return, but you lead us to the ending nicely. My first impression wasn't great. I wasn't sure I liked it. But it grew on me a little bit. Now I think about it, and I like it. Great write. It's a little deeper than one might realize at first read. Keep it up. Yesterday's history, tomorrow's a mystery, and today is a gift. That's why they call it the present. |
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Romy Senior Member
since 2000-05-28
Posts 1170Plantation, Florida |
All I can say is...Wow! |
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Midnight Dew Member
since 2001-01-07
Posts 50Forest Lake, MN |
Jason-Thanks for the compliments and for being honest at first, even when you didn't like it. Debbie-Is that a good wow or a bad wow? Thank you!! ~Caitlin Hull~ "The Holy Spirit makes up all our souls, and when it 'flexes' it makes us do great things." |
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&dispose Junior Member
since 2000-01-30
Posts 18 |
Reminds me a lot of several events in the movie "Assassins"...... Otherwise I think it seems a bit cliché (especially compared to your other works) and I did not particularily like it. But keep writing. "Ask the sheep, for their beliefs. Do you kill on God's command?" - Megadeth, Holy Wars... |
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Romy Senior Member
since 2000-05-28
Posts 1170Plantation, Florida |
I liked it! (Good Wow!) |
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Pearls_Of_Wisdom Member
since 2000-09-02
Posts 175 |
Midnight Dew, I liked it over all. Just a few thoughts (all intended as good-natured suggestions)... Don't we get to find out how she died? Or at least some reason why, even if it's just one or two sentences? Otherwise, it seems like a random murder, which supposed is rare. It did end on an emotional note and I can see that maybe you wanted to leave a cliffhanger, but just an idea. At times, I thought the description/emotions went a little over the top. Is there a way to make it seem less like you're telling a story and more like the readers are watching this all happen? Certain parts like the "naked knife", and saying "scarlet" so often instead of just "blood" seemed to be bordering on artifical, IMHO. Also, the beginning bothered me a little too, but I think I can point out a small thing that might improve it. There are a lot of short sentences that can add impact, I know, but they'd have even more impact, I think, if they were used more sparingly. And, later in the story, what if you started a new paragraph at "He pushed open the door"? Might have more suspense that way. Now on to the more positive comments... I liked the contrast between the white pristine hall and the blood. I thought it gave the subtle impression of how perfect and well-ordered their lives were, and left us wondering how the man will put his life back together again after this, or if he will be able to. I also admired the way you snuck in the backstory (i.e. information about their lives previous to this) seamlessly, giving us only what was crucial. Furthermore, I really felt for the guy standing there with his roses and wedding ring and everything and finding this when he got home. Poor guy! Also, the all-is-well tone at the beginning did a good job of foreshadowing and setting us up for the ending, although we had to keep reading to find out what that was. A fine job all in all. Keep it up, Ashley |
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