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Untitled - in need of advice
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Untitled - in need of advice |
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warmhrt Senior Member
since 1999-12-18
Posts 1563
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This is the beginning of a short story, so there is no ending here, per se. I would like comments on the general writing style (does it work?), content, etc. Thanks ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ I recall being second in line, waiting, while the door creaked and squealed as the driver opened it. I jumped off the last scuffed, black metal step of the school bus, and immediately felt some cheer and lightness creep back into me. It was as if someone had lifted a huge weight from atop my skinny, sixty-eight pound body. The day at school had been long - very long, and uncomfortable. I can still see that room, decorated with a patchwork of the students' attempts at art, and the heavy wooden desks, lined up like a marching band. That day, at that time, they were all empty. More importantly the woman whom I feared and disliked more than anyone in the world was out of my life for two long glorious days. That woman was my teacher, Mrs. Calhoun. She was a very stern, tall, big-boned lady, who smelled just like my grandmother. She sure didn't act anything like Grandma, though...nothing like her. A few weeks before, Mrs. Calhoun had taken a thick wooden ruler, and had told me to lay my hands together - flat - on the marred, golden varnished wood top of my desk. She then slapped them with the ruler hard enough to make a whacking noise. The sound I uttered then was unintelligable and unexpected. As I struggled to hold back tears by biting my lip, my young mind questioned the injustice of that punishment. A thoroughly nasty boy named Scott sat behind me, and he was always teasing and pestering me. On the day of the ruler incident, he had been yanking on my long, ribboned braids. I tried to ignore him, but finally gave in, turning around to hiss, "Cut it out!", as quietly as I could. Well, Mrs. Calhoun whipped around from her writing on the old, slate grey chalkboard, and she walked heavily, but quickly, straight to my desk. Her face wrinkled up as she sneered at me, asking loudly if I had been talking. The question seemingly reverberated a dozen times within my head before I mumbled a faltering affirmative answer. She hurried to her (what seemed to me then)giant desk to get the dreaded ruler. I had been witness to this enough times to know my fate, and I was frozen till I felt the whack. I don't know why I didn't squeal on that boy, but from then on I would forever loathe my teacher. Because I hated her so much after that, I also detested school with a passion. The experience had not only stung my skinny fingers, but had cut deeply into my developing ego. On this particular Friday afternoon though, I felt free, and would be for an entire week-end! I ran from the bus-stop, my shoes slapping the asphalt, and my book bag banging against my leg. We lived half-way up the hill, but I seemed to gain more speed as I got closer to the house we lived in then, which was my refuge. No one ever got hit or slapped there. The late spring day was cool, but sunny and near windless. A few large clouds with the consistency of cotton candy moved slowly, high in the wide blue sky. White flowers floated on the branches of the dogwoods in the thickets at the side of the road. I remember thinking of stopping to break off a couple of small, lower branches for my mom, but I knew Heidi was waiting, and hurried on. (cont.) mia < !signature--> ...got to be somewhere better than in the middle...~Wallflowers [This message has been edited by miapoetess (edited 11-16-2000).] |
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Christopher
Moderator
Member Rara Avis
since 1999-08-02
Posts 8296Purgatorial Incarceration |
Hi Mia - Aside from several spelling/grammatical.punctuation errors, which I'm sure you would pick up on an edit - I thought the style was well done... However, I'm not so sure it works within the framework of this point of view. I get the impression that the speaker is a younger child, and yet the "voice" is one of more maturity. Just a personal op - but I think unless you change the POV to one of remembering, the "maturity" of the speaker should be closer to that of her age.  Chris |
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warmhrt Senior Member
since 1999-12-18
Posts 1563 |
Chris, I went over it quickly (which I should have done before, I'm a horrid typist), and made a few changes. Any improvement? if not...advice on how to make it seem as if recalled at a more mature point in the speaker's life. I'd like to keep the language fairly simple...colloquial. Another thing...grammar and punctuation rules...haven't they relaxed to the point of almost non-existence? (Sorry...I've gotta say this...look who's talking about MATURITY, for gaaaawd's sake!)  I do sincerely thank you for reading and for your help. Now I just need some MORE HELP!!  mia < !signature--> ...got to be somewhere better than in the middle...~Wallflowers [This message has been edited by miapoetess (edited 11-16-2000).] |
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Romy Senior Member
since 2000-05-28
Posts 1170Plantation, Florida |
Mia, I think your story is very interesting, I am anxious to read what happens next! I really like the images you have used, "the scuffed, black metal step of the school bus", the students art described as a "patchwork" etc… It gets a little cluttered when you explain why you are so happy to get off the school bus. You tell the reader that you have been struck (with a ruler) by a mean teacher, but this incident was two weeks before? This could be why you don’t like the teacher of course, but is there anything else more recent that would add to feelings of dislike for her? Put that way, it does sound like a young girl talking about something in her recent past. You might consider leaving out the part about it happening two weeks ago if you are speaking from the point of view of an adult remembering something unpleasant long ago! I think you describe the episode with the teacher really well, and I got a pretty good vision of what the teacher looked like, but how does your grandma smell and why is this comparison important? You describe the punishment with lots of detail and I felt afraid too, and wanted the little girl to hurry and say something! You also did a good job explaining to the reader, who was behind the incident in class, the bratty little boy! It is a little confusing to me though, when you describe your teacher and the whacking incident and then tell us why you got whacked in the first place. Then you go back to how the teacher reacted to the bratty boy, and more of the whacking incident! Just a suggestion, but maybe if you explained the situation with the boy first, then describe your teachers reaction and describe her and what happens all in the same paragraph? I liked the comment you made after that kind of wraps it up, it’s really good! "I don't know why I didn't squeal on that boy, but from then on I would forever loathe my teacher. Because I hated her so much after that, I also detested school with a passion. The experience had not only stung my skinny fingers, but had cut deeply into my developing ego." I like your conclusion too, lots of nice images! I always get accused of using too many clichés though and I noticed your cotton candy clouds. (nice, but overused a bit!) I’m curious to find out who Heidi is! Hope you don’t mind my opinion for whatever it’s worth! Keep working at it, it's got me hooked! |
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warmhrt Senior Member
since 1999-12-18
Posts 1563 |
Debbie, Thank you so much for your comments and advice. I will keep it all in mind upon rewriting. The jumping around a little is because that's the way we talk when we recall an incident of the past. We don't usually put things in perfect order. I will, however try to make it less confusing. The "few weeks ago" reference ties in with that, I suppose, and also explains why she is so happy to be getting off the school bus, and why she hates school. I sincerely appreciate your time. Thank you Chris, You didn't reply to my reply to you. You aren't mad at me for teasing you, are ya?  It was just that the last thing I said to you was that you were grounded and NO computer. I would really appreciate another comment and somemore advice...you sound like you know what you're talking about. Please? mia ...got to be somewhere better than in the middle...~Wallflowers |
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