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Life Lessons
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Life Lessons |
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AngelShell Member
since 2000-03-01
Posts 446not heaven nor hell so... 
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I guess you could say the world is a cruel and thoughtless place where the only one you can depend on is yourself. I myself have said that many times. And in a way I still believe it to this day, but something happened to me that changed my view slightly. Not much, but just enough. And you know what they say; a journey of a thousand miles begins with a single step. For me, that single step happened when I was 14 and very much in the dark about basically everything. I didn’t know what love was, not the love that every one talks about anyway. Sure, I loved my parents and my friends, but that’s not the same love. I pretended to be someone that I wasn’t just to please others. And in a way, I pretended to be someone else so that I wouldn’t have to be alone with myself. It’s so amazing how some little act can turn into a life-changing event, and like I said, even though it was only the first step, it was the biggest step of my life. I have never believed in God, and I still don’t. Not in the literal term anyway. Yes I do believe that there is 'something' out there that gives us faith and hope. But I don’t believe that it is a mere man. This 'something' has no physical shape, nothing to define it as one thing or another. That is what makes it so special. It is everything and nothing at the same time. There is no name for it, and I don’t think that I have ever really experienced it first hand, but I have definitely met someone who contained a little of this perfect 'something'. His name was James, and he taught me everything that I ever wanted or needed to know. He taught me that there is such a thing as forgiveness. In both your inner-self and in other people. He taught me that it is okay to make mistakes and it’s even better not to be perfect. He taught me that I don’t have to be afraid of who or what I am. And that the only way I could become totally satisfied with what I had was to find something that I loved and embrace it totally. He was so perfect in so many ways. He was everything that I ever wanted or needed in a person. From the moment I met him, something inside me knew that he was going to be my one and only love. As much as I denied it, it would resurface and the only thing that felt right was when I was with him. As the days turned into weeks and the weeks turned into months, it was hard for me to bury these feelings I had for him. I thought I was doing a pretty good job of it too. The best I could anyway. However, Jimmy had his own feelings, feelings that I knew nothing about. He’d tell me about his latest girl, and I’d smile and tell him that she sounded great. And when they eventually broke up, I’d fake my sadness. Jimmy always bounced from one girl to the next, never being able to settle down for more than a few weeks. I don’t think that it was because he was picky, or fussy. I think, that it was because we were meant to be together. Of course, this could just be something that I tell myself to make the way it ended not seem not so harsh. In the 6 months that I had known Jimmy, he had touched me in a way no one else had ever done. In the 6 months that I had known Jimmy, my love for him only grew stronger with each passing moment. And no matter how much I wanted to hate him from time to time, I couldn’t. It was impossible for me to hate him. In the 6 months that I had known Jimmy all my happiness and all my love for him was taken away in one heart beat. If either of us ever talked about death. It would have been me. Death was the thing that scared me the most. I was so scared that I would die never knowing what I was meant to do, never knowing that I’d done something worth while. I was so scared that I would die and there’d be nothing. Just a plain nothing. The afterlife was always something that I wanted to believe in but just didn’t have the faith, or the courage. Jimmy would always reassure me that there was something after this world. There had to be. But I couldn’t believe it one hundred percent. When Jimmy died I felt like a pat of me had died too. For three weeks I walked around in a constant state of numbness. I couldn’t feel anything. I didn’t eat, hardly slept. And when I found that I had no more tears to cry, I would just lie on my bed sobbing none the less. You don’t have to have tears to cry, for three weeks my heart was constantly weeping. I forgot everything that he had taught me. My world started to fall down around me. And I started to fear death even more. I’d wake up in the morning and be glad that I was alive, but terribly pained at the same time because Jimmy wasn’t. And every time I found myself hating Jimmy for dying and leaving me here alone, a little bit of the golden memories I still had of him died too. When it got to the point where I felt like I couldn’t go on I decided that death wasn’t so scary after all. It must be better than whatever this is anyway. The lyrics to a song popped up in my head “Life ‘ain’t livin’ baby and livin’ ‘ain’t free” *. How true that was. But I found a way to end the pain… It was the one-month anniversary since Jimmy had died. I crawled into the bathroom and locked the door. In my hand was a little silver razor blade. I had heard it hurt, but at that point I didn’t really care. I brought the cold blade up to my wrist and prayed for the courage to press down. Ironic I know, I don’t believe in God yet I pray to him to end my pain. As the first drop of blood was starting to form on my pale skin I felt someone behind me. Before I turned around I knew who it was. Jimmy had come back. I turned around to face him, to see him once again. I still had the blade pressed to my skin and when I turned around I saw Jimmy, my Jimmy. He was wearing his favorite jeans and a blue shirt. One hand was in his pocket and the other was outstretched towards me. I knew without him asking what he wanted. I lifted the blade from my wrist and placed in on his outstretched palm. Tears were streaming down my face now. Seems I still had more tears to cry. “You think this is the right way to go?” Jimmy asked, his voice as soft and as gentle as ever. I could speak; I didn’t know the words. “It’s ok. I left a little suddenly before I know. I didn’t realize that you didn’t know how I felt. I loved you. I love you. And I always will, and I don’t want to see you go out like this.” I looked at him and all the pain that I had been feeling for the past month welled up inside me once again and I collapsed onto the floor sobbing. “Why did you leave me?” I managed to get out in between the sobs. “It wasn’t my choice. You have to believe that.” “Why did you love me?” “Because I had to. I didn’t have a choice in that either, I had to love you because you were the only person that I ever could have loved. You were made for me and I was made for you.” “But now you’re gone and I don’t have anyone.” Jimmy bent down and stroked my head. “You’ll always have me,” he said pulling me up. “In here,” he pointed to my head, “and in here,” he pointed to my heart. “You have to stay here in this world because there are so many things that you have yet to do. Everywhere you go everything you do…take me with you. Show me all those wonderful places I know you’ll go to. Share with me all those great things you were destined to do. I’ll be with you every step of the way. Don’t ever think you’re alone.” He stepped back and I knew what was coming next. I was about to loose him again. Yet there was nothing I could say. He knew everything I felt. “Remember, take me with you.” Jimmy faded slowly and I was once again alone in the bathroom. Suddenly the blade dropped onto the cold tiled floor from nowhere. I stood looking at it for a few moments before I picked it up. Turning it over in my hand I noticed that there was something etched into the metal. It was a heart with angels wings. Later that night I sanded the edges of the blade down until all sides were blunt and drilled a hole in the top. It’s been ten years now and I still wear that blade around my neck everywhere I go. That night Jimmy taught me the most important lesson of all. I now know that death isn’t something to fear. Because when I do eventually die, Jimmy will be there to greet me on the other side. Even though I have had other loves in the past ten years, none of them have touched me like Jimmy did and I know that I will never meet another man in this life time that will. But that’s ok with me. There’s always the next life. *Lyrics from “Sunburn” by Fuel. [This message has been edited by AngelShell (edited 10-24-2000).] |
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merlynh Member
since 1999-09-26
Posts 411deer park, wa |
I always like to read someone's writings, when it seems no one else has done because of no replies. Every now and than it is really worth the read. This was one of those special ones I stumped upon. Thanks for the sharing and I hope you write more and learn. Thank you. |
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kaile
since 2000-02-06
Posts 5146singapore |
hi there i only hope that this is just a writing exercise and not based on your past experiences....in the event that this is in fact factual, i do hope that you are feeling okay by the time you read this and that you are always welcome to email me if you are still depressed... and yes, i enjoyed the story  |
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