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Above and Beyond - Chapter Three
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Above and Beyond - Chapter Three |
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Irish Rose Member Patricius
since 2000-04-06
Posts 10263 |
It wasn't even mid-morning yet, and Frank was already anxious for Katherine to come for lunch. He needed something to take his mind off of the monotony and the sound of the clock ticking on the wall. He was remembering another wait. One when he and the aircrews were ready to go on a one-way mission in Germany, one he didn't really expect to come back from, one taking him behind enemy lines and yet, at the time, He was still in good shape and thinking about all of it now, he realized that at the time he even surprised himself in keeping himself from shaking while being shot at, missed and slipping through another portal of life and surviving, he certainly did. Any man would shake if truth were known. The drive kept him going, the risk of it all and living on the edge. There was something about it that ignited him from the inside out. Something that held the end of a sentence just a little longer and muted your breath when silence meant the difference between life and death. The past was very much a part of him and always would be and as trite as it sounded he felt the past was the past. There had been times during those days when Frank felt a slow torch burning inside and only one thing could keep him going. He wanted fuel, passion, something, and someone with electricity. To just" be" there for, someone, could he be and would he? His last attempt at an "affair" failed for there was the emotional connection at first, and dinners and talk but after awhile he could not let her in. She was bright, attractive, but something was missing. Coldness over the surface where you feel the other person is holding back and not allowing the vulnerability, not allowing the potential for pain and there is such a potential for pain in any two people who lay their hearts out to bleed. Frank wanted and needed a time of dizziness, a time of caring and sharing with someone and he wanted his heart to be alive again. And there is Katherine, and he will be there for her as long as she needs him, but Katherine will marry surely sooner than expected. Big blue eyes and long blonde hair, although it didn't seem she was in a hurry at this point. How he wished he could go back and turn it all around. He wanted to put that torch to good use and let it burn brighter in the love he felt for Katherine. God, how he wished he had fought for her, and not stayed married to Barbara. He always felt that had he left for good, he would possibly never have the precious times he did have with Katherine, those times that he held onto, each one settling into a salty tear of thanksgiving on his cheek when no one was around, sometimes just sitting in the dark, he would taste them and feel his love for her. Had it become necessary Frank would have taken care of Katherine 100% of the time, given up anything for her. Fate had not been kind to him and in his heart he felt he was responsible for losing the days and weeks he had to be with her. Oh, of course that would have meant a change in his career and perhaps an even bigger change in Barbara's career for she was not one to ever give up her career. She was a good mother 95% of the time, and yet at times, she could go into a rage, and nothing made any sense. At times, she would for no reason, make him feel as if he should have never come home from Iran, never come back from Germany or France, and yet there was Katherine, his daughter who always made his eyes light up and his heart swell with pride. Frank could never be certain if he had left Barbara, would she turn her temper to Katherine and the idea terrified him. Surely to God, she would never hurt the child, but still, he couldn't take the chance for he knew that even emotional turmoil and yelling seriously damaged a child. At times, the guilt and the fear he felt for being away all those times ate at him. Nothing would change it of course, now and Frank knew that, but still he felt that he should have done more, seen more, and not turned away when he knew Barbara was controlling and manipulative. His own marriage had become a one-way mission and had led to where it was today. After thirty years of marriage, he found himself living in a shadow of an existence and felt deep compassionate love would never find him. No one would ever reach inside to where he must still be alive. He was breathing, he carried on, went through the day and made it through the night sometimes afraid to go to sleep. Many times he would wake up and wake out on his deck and just stare at the moon. "God, are you there? Do you even exist? You must, I'm still here and why? I've seen too much, lost too much, and it hurts. It hurts and I've never told anyone else. Who could I tell? Who would see me cry? No one is going to see me cry, let me tell you" and many times he would bow his head and remember the faces, remember the seconds where eternity fell to earth and scooped up another soul and carried it away on wings of eagles. "Damn, I'm bored to death, I can't stand this, and I feel like I'm barely living." Government bureaucracy had become mundane and the endless paper work was tiring. What he really wanted to do was write his memoirs but where did he start. How did he break through the barrier he had built around him? He missed the moment to moment snapping of the whip to his emotions. Only thing was, the emotions had been long since torn from so many trials. Frank dialed his voice message one more time to see if Katherine had tried to call while he was online. No, she hadn't called yet. What he really wanted to do was check for a response to his ad and everything in him told him it was a big mistake. Still, Frank would wait and take that risk. He thought of the woman who would perhaps take the time to respond. Does he have to be pretty? Does she have to be rich, talented and unbelievably sexy? Does she have to be thin and beautiful? That wouldn't help Frank and in his heart and he knew it. In the blackest tunnel he had been in and he felt he was there now, beauty and a thin waist would not help him. Words? Could words help him? Could a touch of magic help? If they could, would Frank listen, would he look forward to reading the thoughts of another person, a woman who was lonely and frightened and see his own thoughts on the screen? Would he find a woman who was scared to death of turning around and finding someone else gone from her life. Nothing would bring him out of this black haze hanging over him for a short time except lunch with his daughter. Frank had to get out of this office He grabbed his jacket and coat, walked out down the hall and into the foyer. Outside the weather was becoming more and more alarming. "Not as beautiful as the hills in Germany during my Christmas there. Why is it so easy to remember the good memories and why the hell do the ones I fight keep resurfacing? Does anyone go through this and if they do are they real? Are they brave, does anyone come forward and open their gut and take a chance that someone will understand and that someone will connect in a way that just gives you the comfort of knowing you have a comrade? Comrade, seemed an old-fashioned word, or at least one you don't hear nowadays." Frank knew that he had placed a tall order without even realizing it. He had tried to tell himself that he was placing it for a diversion, but in his heart he knew he was reaching and reaching far. The most precious gifts are the ones that come from a distance. He remembered those endless dinner parties Barbara had planned. God, how he hated them! It was bad enough he had to attend the military functions he was obligated to attend, and she went, but Frank would have preferred to stay home had he not felt that at times, he was little more than an intruder in his own home. The times he was home he wanted nothing more than to gather Katherine and head for the forest, or the park, or simply take in a movie or order a pizza. Frank was ashamed to admit Barbara really wasn't foremost on his mind during the later years of their marriage, although in the beginning he felt she could have had so much more had she not tried to stifle his military career. He knew, he knew he too was to blame. If she had come to him softly and asked him to give it up perhaps he would have but no, he knew he would have to serve as he did. Right or wrong, he did and it was in the past. Katherine certainly wasn't the worse for it, or was she? Do you fool a child? Did she know? Did she wonder why he put up with it as much as he did? He wanted her to be proud of him, as she was when he received his medals, and when he received his commission and just because he was her father. Nothing more could he ever give her but he lost something. He lost the chance to know what it felt like to wake up beside someone and have endless conversation brimming over with never enough time and arms to wrap around you when you were scared. Frank wondered if love like that truly existed and if it did, where was it? Katherine entered the front door of the government building in a burst of excitement. Her long blonde hair was glistening with snowflakes framing a blushed face from the cold, and her eyes were shining "Dad!" she called to him. "Over here, sweetheart." She must have some sort of news for she was grinning from ear to ear. All thoughts of the ad he had placed were somehow put on hold as he took her hand and hugged her. "Well, someone is in an awfully good mood, what's up with you and let's eat, I'm starved. Ever since you mentioned that cheeseburger, it's all I can think of." He looked at her and knew that nothing, not her receiving her masters degree, not the many awards she had received from college and certainly not her passing the bar had prepared him for the moment that was going to come right here, right now as she obviously had another announcement to make. They left the building; Frank always put his arm around Katherine's waist and wanted nothing more than to let her know how precious she was to him and how proud he was of her. They walked to his car and Katherine could contain herself no longer. Taking off the leather glove from her left hand she simply reached it out displayed the most beautiful round one-carat stone you could imagine. Nearly jumping in ballet style, she began laughing and in between her cold visible breath evaporating through the air, her words came pouring forth. The ones he knew he would hear and yet did not want to. "Dad, Dad, I'm engaged. I found him, I found Tom and he's wonderful, oh Dad you must meet him, and I have so much to tell you. Do you know how great it feels to be with the one person you trust and love more than anyone in the world?" "Sure, sweetheart, of course I do." Frank felt the pit of his stomach cave in for he had just lied to his only daughter. Kathleen |
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