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sweetcollege_girl Senior Member
since 1999-12-03
Posts 872just about where I want to be |
I posted this story a litte while back, and Sudhir helped me make it sound better..well, the first part anyway. I did the last part, and it doesn't sound as good...anyway, here it is! ~*~SCG~*~ Angelic beauty radiated from her face. Shimmering lights of the staid night lamp brought an ethereal effect upon her forehead where a tiny jewel of an unequalled contentment seemed to rest. Her eyes closed in peaceful slumber, restfully sleeping, and the pout of fair beauty emanated into a subtle smile. Her body rested, held in the loving arms of herself. Her hands lay on her belly, as if already patting the fruit within her to sleep in a most graceful, caring motherly way. She was asleep and so was the one inside her. Both calmed to a lullabied sleep entranced by the melody of distant songs from somewhere above the highest clouds. Imaginary harps played accompanied by the most soothing of flutes with a tempo managed by the softest of taps on a full-mooned cello. So composed, tranquil the scene was; that one could only imagine that it was heaven right there at that very moment. Night steadily went through her motions, and the shadows continued their tip-toeing dance. The peace, the silence could only build up an anticipation of something eerie like a fly singing in her ears, aiming to disturb, or winds howling and shutters of windows chatting to one another in cranky voices. But nothing so evil could have imagined to be happening. Meanwhile, the messenger had come, stealthily, just when the full moon had eclipsed. An assassin bringing upon his victim the kiss of death. His eyes were gleaming with a fire, to be consumed by none other than the sight of warm blood pouring from his victims heart. A shadowed dance in tip-toed steps he took and reached his unsuspecting victim. Silently, he pulled his sharp sword, seeing his reflection in the gleaming blade. He looked at the eyes gleaming with fire. He saw the future of the girl's life in his eyes. He dared the girl to open her eyes so he could see the look of pure horror and understanding in her eyes. She would try to stop him. He wouldn't listen this time. He couldn't take it anymore. He had to get out...But there was only one way he could do this. HE had to carry out his vow. As he neared his victim, the sweet scent of lilac filled the air. What is it with girls and flowers? he wondered. The light on the woman's hair cast a golden halo upon her head. But an angel she isn't. he thought. His eyes saw her as a sinner, who could never be forgiven. Lies and deception..adultery was an unforgiveable sin in his mind. As he readied himself for delivering his eternal message, the girl stirred. For an instant, he was willing to forgive anything she ever did...she looked so innocent. His sword dropped the tiniest bit in hesitation, but he remembered his vow which had become his mission. The sword, in that pronounced flash of wrath, punctured, unknowingly, two lives at once. Slowly he cleaned his sword with a lock of her hair, tarnishing the halo of perfection. Then, the noticed the picture on the nightstand. It was a sonogram of a baby..no older than 4 months. BEside the picture was a letter..he picked it up and opened it. Guilty tears filled his eyes as he realized what he had done. He couldn't take it anymore! He had to get out! Silently he stumbled into the shadows...still holding the letter telling him of his child.... Sudhir gave me some ideas of expanding this story...do ya'll think it could be expanded anymore, or leave it like it is now??? ~*~SCG~*~ [This message has been edited by sweetcollege_girl (edited 09-07-2000).] |
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| © Copyright 2000 Lavada Miller - All Rights Reserved | |||
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Sudhir Iyer Member Ascendant
since 2000-04-26
Posts 6943Mumbai, India : now in Belgium |
Hey Lavada, Thanks for honouring me so.... I liked this version better ... but as always, I say you can do more with this one... check your e-mail...  regards, sudhir |
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Night_Myst Junior Member
since 2000-08-16
Posts 34River Falls, WI |
Very good story. Personally, I liked the second half more than the first half. I think a lot of that had to do with the way it was divided. It seems like the first paragraph could be divided up into two to help bring the idea of the story moving more. As previously posted, I do agree that more can be done with this piece. Perhaps a glimpse in the mind of the assassin? Don't know if that'd work. Good story, I enjoyed it a lot. [This message has been edited by Night_Myst (edited 09-05-2000).] |
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sweetcollege_girl Senior Member
since 1999-12-03
Posts 872just about where I want to be |
Thanks all..I'll see what I can come up with...Sudhir, you are truly welcome!  ~*~SCG~*~ |
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sweetcollege_girl Senior Member
since 1999-12-03
Posts 872just about where I want to be |
ok ya'll...have another look! ~*~SCG~*~     "Poetry is what makes the invisible appear"-Author Unknown |
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Sudhir Iyer Member Ascendant
since 2000-04-26
Posts 6943Mumbai, India : now in Belgium |
COOL like ... regards, sudhir. |
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sweetcollege_girl Senior Member
since 1999-12-03
Posts 872just about where I want to be |
Does it really sound better? All I need now is a title! ~*~SCG~*~ "Poetry is what makes the invisible appear"-Author Unknown |
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sweetcollege_girl Senior Member
since 1999-12-03
Posts 872just about where I want to be |
*BUMP* I want ya'll to read this!!! |
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Erin Member Elite
since 2000-06-15
Posts 2527~Chicago~ |
SCG~~~I think that this was wonderful. But it doesnt seem finished. still holding the letter telling him of his child.... It sounds like there could be more added to it. But I really did like it!! ~*Each day is a treasure box from God, just waiting to be opened*~ |
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sweetcollege_girl Senior Member
since 1999-12-03
Posts 872just about where I want to be |
MORE?! You think I could add more???? Ugh...I'm not sure i'm up to this I'll see what I can do ERIN! ~*~SCG~*~ "Poetry is what makes the invisible appear"-Author Unknown |
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Erin Member Elite
since 2000-06-15
Posts 2527~Chicago~ |
I think that you could do it. I mean you came this far to write it then edit it so why not go for more??? ~*If I was to die & could be 1 thing I would be a tear born in your eyes live on your cheeks and die on your lips*~ |
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sweetcollege_girl Senior Member
since 1999-12-03
Posts 872just about where I want to be |
Well, ERIN...How much further do you think I can take it? What would you like to see added?....GIVE ME INPUT!!! ~*~SCG~*~ |
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Erin Member Elite
since 2000-06-15
Posts 2527~Chicago~ |
Well SCG I think that you should get further into the story. I mean you say he was gonna kill her (i think) till he found the letter saying it was his baby. So add more. Maybe then 9 months later this happened. And all that. You know what I mean??But its just as good the way that it is. ~*If I was to die & could be 1 thing I would be a tear born in your eyes live on your cheeks and die on your lips*~ |
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sweetcollege_girl Senior Member
since 1999-12-03
Posts 872just about where I want to be |
ERIN, The guy already killed her. That is very obvious. He found out it was his baby after he had killed her. Then he realized he had killed his baby too. "The sword, in that pronounced flash of wrath, punctured, unknowingly, two lives at once" See??? ~*~SCG~*~ "Poetry is what makes the invisible appear"-Author Unknown |
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Erin Member Elite
since 2000-06-15
Posts 2527~Chicago~ |
SCG~~~I am so so sorry. I didnt even see that. My fault! I must not have been paying attention. Ok then. Sorry for that. (I think Im going crazy now) |
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sweetcollege_girl Senior Member
since 1999-12-03
Posts 872just about where I want to be |
Aren't we all?  he he....ERIN, it is no big deal. Don't worry about it...k? So do you think you can help me with a name???? I really would like one! ~*~SCG~*~ "Poetry is what makes the invisible appear"-Author Unknown |
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